Post by keyboardworrier on May 12, 2016 19:33:57 GMT
It's taken a midlife crisis, a separation and reading Jeb's books for me to work out that I am fearful avoidant, and it's so hard getting people to understand.
I was never very confident with girls and my early dating history was characterised by me being either over-eager and frightening girls off or being hurt. That was especially true of a major relationship in my early 20s, a girl with whom I was besotted. She went away to college, ended the relationship and it took me a long time to get over it. In fact I think I didn't, as the same pattern repeated in subsequent relationships, namely that after a few weeks or so, even when I was really keen on the girl in question, I'd panic (literally have panic attacks) and end the relationship. I was figuring it'd go wrong anyway, I can now see that may well have been me deciding I'd avoid getting hurt by controlling matters myself.
I did the same when I met the girl I married. However, she was quite tenacious (although now I think she is of an anxious attachment style) and she wouldn't let me end it. I worked out it was something psychological, and that there was something there worth battling through for, but didn't understand it might be fearful avoidance. We stayed together but it was up and down in the early years. She would test me to see how much I wanted to be with her, I'd think "I can't deal with this" and found myself wondering if it was the right relationship. Eventually I ended it. She was massively upset, called me, we met up, we reconciled. We carried on seeing one another, she had a falling out with my mother, we also had an incident at a house party where I wasn't comfortable, I 'moped' (an anxious behaviour) and she got angry. We left, she was annoyed and she hit me over my eye. No real damage, she bought me a gift to apologise. I didn't think at any point "I can't be with someone who'd hit me", I wonder if I was just grateful that someone wanted to be with me? I don't know.
Things settled down, she asked me to move in with her (although she has recently said this happened the other way around). We lived together for 5 years or so, I admit at times I found myself wondering if she was right for me. She had to ask me why we weren't engaged, and I said "OK, let's get married". No actual proposal. I think I thought "living together has gone OK, marriage could be good for me". Again I can now see that I didn't have the depth of feeling that I should have. We didn't have a great sex life, partly because I had a possible addiction to porn. Again, addictions and seeking satisfaction without emotional connection are signs of fearful avoidance. I couldn't admit this to her, for fear she'd leave me, see what I really was and want nothing to do with me.
We married, I think she wanted children (though she wasn't absolutely immovable on this); I was worried about having a child, about our combined insecurities, and we weren't very good at looking after ourselves, the responsibility. I was afraid, she was also kind of lazy, so I was concerned I'd end up doing it all (I already cooked, did the dishes, the shopping, etc). I thought I was being a good provider, though I can see this could look controlling. I would also resist some (not all) invitations to do things together, just going out for a drink. I wasn't always sure what we had to talk about, though we did have common interests. Some, but not all.
Now to the crux of it. About 2 years ago she left her job; she felt she was being singled out, that her employers wanted her out, so she took an offer of a settlement and left. I wanted her to use the money to learn to drive, gain some independence and confidence, but she didn't. She was going to take a couple of months but ending up not working for 18 months and then took a job on a much lower salary. This was because her confidence had been really battered, but because I don't read emotions very well I didn't see it. I felt she was loading more responsibility onto me, and my confidence in my abilities isn't that high. I seem confident, but am worried I'm not that good, that I'll be found out.
I think the stress of this and my tendency to overthink kicked off a midlife crisis. I tried to talk to my wife, I had to psych myself up to do it, but she responded very defensively (she said she felt cornered by me) and I didn't take it any further, but I wasn't happy. I offered some moral support to a female acquaintance, we started talking, and soon we were in an "emotional affair". I know it was a midlife crisis now, because the way we spoke was me essentially trying to relive my lost youth with her, as well as examining my marriage, picking faults with my wife.
The emotional affair became a real one, and the stress of this all led me to suffer a lot of mental distress. I eventually suffered a massive panic attack, thinking that I was married to the wrong person, and I left, with virtually no thought for the consequences. My wife thought I had just left, didn't know of the affair. I then started having anxiety, insomnia, bouts of depression and even paranoia (horrible).
I worked out this was a midlife crisis, it then took me a while of reading all manner of books, on line articles, etc, before I worked out that the reason that I wasn't massively upset by the separation, but was also not head over heels with 'the other woman', was the same issue as before. Fearful avoidance. Both my wife and 'the other woman' have stated their love for me, even after what I did to my wife she said she still loves me, but I don't 'feel' it. I have been more open about myself with 'the other woman' than with my wife, which is good, but I keep thinking that had I known that fearful avoidance was the issue I might have been able to work on this with my wife.
I now fear that is too late, as she knows of the affair. I tried reconciliation but was on antidepressant medication and was behaving weirdly. My wife hadn't obviously wanted to reconcile, we were going to try couples counselling but I told her it wouldn't work as I didn't love her, and she assaulted me and threw me out. She has since said that she stills loves me but didn't think I was committed enough to a reconciliation for it to work. I think that's because my depth of feeling isn't there, that I'd have to be thinking of her and how she was feeling, reassuring her, being utterly open about my whereabouts, etc, and I fear I would go wrong. I also know it'd cause family issues; my parents and sister have as good as said she wouldn't be welcome, though I know it's my life not theirs. However, I'm not very good at standing up for myself.
My wife wasn't perfect, I wasn't with her out of love and nothing else, because that'd have to mean I'd been open with her, revealed my emotions, and I struggled with that. However a part of me wishes I'd known this all before, that maybe with work and by forcing myself to open up, I might have come to love her. I care for her, and still do, but my avoidance and traits of fearful avoidance feel as though they stopped this.
'The other woman' isn't perfect, but somehow I feel more open with her, and force myself to be, even though sometimes I know she is hurt by what I say. I have felt that she might be 'my last chance' (I'm 47), that establishing another relationship wouldn't be possible because I am a) afraid of life somewhat, and won't do new things that easily b) I'd have to be open about myself, and that telling someone that you aren't very emotional and need to go slowly, etc, isn't a great way to sell yourself. More than anything I wish none of this had ever happened, that I'd know what the issue was and could have prevented this. I've hurt someone I care for greatly, and getting her to understand, as well as getting my family to understand that I struggle to connect emotionally, even with them, and am not the person they think I am, is so hard.
Does this sound like fearful avoidance to you? I am conscious that people think I'm trying to categorise myself, to explain what's happened and that I should accept that I am "just me", but inside I feel I'm not. I'm scared about being on my own, I want a relationship, but letting someone know who I really am, makes me apprehensive. People just don't seem to get it.
I was never very confident with girls and my early dating history was characterised by me being either over-eager and frightening girls off or being hurt. That was especially true of a major relationship in my early 20s, a girl with whom I was besotted. She went away to college, ended the relationship and it took me a long time to get over it. In fact I think I didn't, as the same pattern repeated in subsequent relationships, namely that after a few weeks or so, even when I was really keen on the girl in question, I'd panic (literally have panic attacks) and end the relationship. I was figuring it'd go wrong anyway, I can now see that may well have been me deciding I'd avoid getting hurt by controlling matters myself.
I did the same when I met the girl I married. However, she was quite tenacious (although now I think she is of an anxious attachment style) and she wouldn't let me end it. I worked out it was something psychological, and that there was something there worth battling through for, but didn't understand it might be fearful avoidance. We stayed together but it was up and down in the early years. She would test me to see how much I wanted to be with her, I'd think "I can't deal with this" and found myself wondering if it was the right relationship. Eventually I ended it. She was massively upset, called me, we met up, we reconciled. We carried on seeing one another, she had a falling out with my mother, we also had an incident at a house party where I wasn't comfortable, I 'moped' (an anxious behaviour) and she got angry. We left, she was annoyed and she hit me over my eye. No real damage, she bought me a gift to apologise. I didn't think at any point "I can't be with someone who'd hit me", I wonder if I was just grateful that someone wanted to be with me? I don't know.
Things settled down, she asked me to move in with her (although she has recently said this happened the other way around). We lived together for 5 years or so, I admit at times I found myself wondering if she was right for me. She had to ask me why we weren't engaged, and I said "OK, let's get married". No actual proposal. I think I thought "living together has gone OK, marriage could be good for me". Again I can now see that I didn't have the depth of feeling that I should have. We didn't have a great sex life, partly because I had a possible addiction to porn. Again, addictions and seeking satisfaction without emotional connection are signs of fearful avoidance. I couldn't admit this to her, for fear she'd leave me, see what I really was and want nothing to do with me.
We married, I think she wanted children (though she wasn't absolutely immovable on this); I was worried about having a child, about our combined insecurities, and we weren't very good at looking after ourselves, the responsibility. I was afraid, she was also kind of lazy, so I was concerned I'd end up doing it all (I already cooked, did the dishes, the shopping, etc). I thought I was being a good provider, though I can see this could look controlling. I would also resist some (not all) invitations to do things together, just going out for a drink. I wasn't always sure what we had to talk about, though we did have common interests. Some, but not all.
Now to the crux of it. About 2 years ago she left her job; she felt she was being singled out, that her employers wanted her out, so she took an offer of a settlement and left. I wanted her to use the money to learn to drive, gain some independence and confidence, but she didn't. She was going to take a couple of months but ending up not working for 18 months and then took a job on a much lower salary. This was because her confidence had been really battered, but because I don't read emotions very well I didn't see it. I felt she was loading more responsibility onto me, and my confidence in my abilities isn't that high. I seem confident, but am worried I'm not that good, that I'll be found out.
I think the stress of this and my tendency to overthink kicked off a midlife crisis. I tried to talk to my wife, I had to psych myself up to do it, but she responded very defensively (she said she felt cornered by me) and I didn't take it any further, but I wasn't happy. I offered some moral support to a female acquaintance, we started talking, and soon we were in an "emotional affair". I know it was a midlife crisis now, because the way we spoke was me essentially trying to relive my lost youth with her, as well as examining my marriage, picking faults with my wife.
The emotional affair became a real one, and the stress of this all led me to suffer a lot of mental distress. I eventually suffered a massive panic attack, thinking that I was married to the wrong person, and I left, with virtually no thought for the consequences. My wife thought I had just left, didn't know of the affair. I then started having anxiety, insomnia, bouts of depression and even paranoia (horrible).
I worked out this was a midlife crisis, it then took me a while of reading all manner of books, on line articles, etc, before I worked out that the reason that I wasn't massively upset by the separation, but was also not head over heels with 'the other woman', was the same issue as before. Fearful avoidance. Both my wife and 'the other woman' have stated their love for me, even after what I did to my wife she said she still loves me, but I don't 'feel' it. I have been more open about myself with 'the other woman' than with my wife, which is good, but I keep thinking that had I known that fearful avoidance was the issue I might have been able to work on this with my wife.
I now fear that is too late, as she knows of the affair. I tried reconciliation but was on antidepressant medication and was behaving weirdly. My wife hadn't obviously wanted to reconcile, we were going to try couples counselling but I told her it wouldn't work as I didn't love her, and she assaulted me and threw me out. She has since said that she stills loves me but didn't think I was committed enough to a reconciliation for it to work. I think that's because my depth of feeling isn't there, that I'd have to be thinking of her and how she was feeling, reassuring her, being utterly open about my whereabouts, etc, and I fear I would go wrong. I also know it'd cause family issues; my parents and sister have as good as said she wouldn't be welcome, though I know it's my life not theirs. However, I'm not very good at standing up for myself.
My wife wasn't perfect, I wasn't with her out of love and nothing else, because that'd have to mean I'd been open with her, revealed my emotions, and I struggled with that. However a part of me wishes I'd known this all before, that maybe with work and by forcing myself to open up, I might have come to love her. I care for her, and still do, but my avoidance and traits of fearful avoidance feel as though they stopped this.
'The other woman' isn't perfect, but somehow I feel more open with her, and force myself to be, even though sometimes I know she is hurt by what I say. I have felt that she might be 'my last chance' (I'm 47), that establishing another relationship wouldn't be possible because I am a) afraid of life somewhat, and won't do new things that easily b) I'd have to be open about myself, and that telling someone that you aren't very emotional and need to go slowly, etc, isn't a great way to sell yourself. More than anything I wish none of this had ever happened, that I'd know what the issue was and could have prevented this. I've hurt someone I care for greatly, and getting her to understand, as well as getting my family to understand that I struggle to connect emotionally, even with them, and am not the person they think I am, is so hard.
Does this sound like fearful avoidance to you? I am conscious that people think I'm trying to categorise myself, to explain what's happened and that I should accept that I am "just me", but inside I feel I'm not. I'm scared about being on my own, I want a relationship, but letting someone know who I really am, makes me apprehensive. People just don't seem to get it.
