podo
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Post by podo on May 12, 2016 22:47:30 GMT
I have a very hard decision to make after almost 3 years. Do I want to be in a relationship that is so dysfunctional that I'm not sure relationship is the right word?
I would prefer to be in a relationship with mutual respect, support and intimacy. Excitement from both sides about spending time together and introductions to each other's circle of family and friends. A relationship that may one day develop into a lifelong commitment...
I don't want to set aside time to spend with my partner only for him to disappear for several days with no warning, leaving me to figure it out for myself, rejected and alone.
I don't want to communicate purely on his terms and sometimes face a wall of silence when I reach out.
I don't want my legitimate feelings to be dismissed as overreacting.
I don't want to excuse hurtful behaviour because I'm not supposed to confront him about his challenges.
I don't want to spend my time wondering what I am being punished for even when I have been as patient, encouraging and forgiving as I can manage.
I don't want to feel miserable the majority of the time.
I want to walk away even though it makes me very very sad.
Even the gentlest of conversations about 'how the relationship is going' end up with defensiveness and denial. He is unable to articulate whether he wants the same things I do or how he feels about me.
I have tried taking a break twice before so it would need to be final this time. That's what makes it so hard to have confidence in my decision.
All advice welcome.
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katy
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Post by katy on May 13, 2016 1:22:57 GMT
In a few paragraphs you so accurately described the inner sadness and feelings of rejection that arise in the rejecting phase of a relationship with an avoidant.
I think it's really hard to finally decide to make the final break, but, on a very practical level, he's probably not going to get better. If you have left twice before and he didn't have a wake-up call and completely change his behavior, it's because he cannot or will not change. And, most importantly, if he's in your life, taking up your energy and thoughts, there won't be room for a nice, kind, supportive person to come in to be part of a real, reciprocal relationship.
It's sad, because somebody this avoidant is probably doomed to a very isolated life. But, it sounds as though you have tried to help him and he's not open to changing. Especially since you're not married, there's no point in also dooming yourself to a miserable life. This is probably the same kind of advice that the experts would give to a person dating an alcoholic - save yourself and, if by some chance, the alcoholic fully recovers, that's the time to reconsider a relationship.
None of this is easy because we're all kind people and want to help other people and because we have good memories of the first, loving phase with the avoidant. As you read so many stories here, you'll see that avoidants seem to be great at first and then flip into the rejecting behavior which you have described so well. From all of the stories, I think it's pretty apparent that the good, happy avoidant probably isn't coming back. There's definitely more to life than constantly feeling put down and unloved.
Best wishes.
Katy
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Post by erasmus on May 13, 2016 3:30:45 GMT
Katy said what I would have said, and said it better. It's hard and sad, but it sounds very much as if it would be harder and sadder to stay.
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podo
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Post by podo on May 14, 2016 5:46:48 GMT
Thank you so much. I do feel that it is the right choice if not the easiest.
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Post by Jaeger on May 14, 2016 13:59:08 GMT
The choice is always yours. I appreciate that it can be difficult to choose to break up with someone you obviously care for a great deal. Katy has said most of the things I would answer as well.
In reaching a decision, it might be helpful to answer some of the following questions for yourself :
- How many times have you indicated to your partner that you need something different than you're currently receiving?
- What has been the reaction?
- Has it led to long term changes?
- Taking these things into account, how big is the chance of the changes you need happening in the near future if they haven't already?
- If your partner's behaviour doesn't change, would the relationship give you enough to be truly happy?
One of the biggest ones for me, looking back, should have been 'Are my basic needs being met?', along with 'Can I truly be myself with this person?'
Good luck making this tough choice and keep us posted.
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Post by erasmus on May 14, 2016 16:00:11 GMT
One of the biggest ones for me, looking back, should have been 'Are my basic needs being met?', along with 'Can I truly be myself with this person?' Yep. In the unlikely event I'm ever in the position of looking at a new relationship again, I should probably have those questions tattooed one on the inside of each eyelid. Podo, seconding Jaeger's good wishes and the hope that you'll keep us posted. |
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podo
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Post by podo on May 14, 2016 23:57:00 GMT
In reaching a decision, it might be helpful to answer some of the following questions for yourself : - How many times have you indicated to your partner that you need something different than you're currently receiving? - What has been the reaction? - Has it led to long term changes? - Taking these things into account, how big is the chance of the changes you need happening in the near future if they haven't already? - If your partner's behaviour doesn't change, would the relationship give you enough to be truly happy? Thank you all for your encouragement. I have been giving this a lot of thought while we have not had any contact and asking myself some similar questions. Sadly too many times without any sign of significant change or even acknowledgement that he has caused me any pain. I definitely need more from a relationship than he is able to give so it is clear to me now that it is time to let him go. It has been a bit longer than usual since I last heard from him. I would usually have tried to coax him out of his silence by now, letting him know that it's safe to make contact. I'm not sure if he will break the silence on his own. On previous occasions he has reappeared after I have pretty much given up hope but I may just have to accept that I won't get any closure. |
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katy
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Post by katy on May 15, 2016 0:36:49 GMT
I can totally empathize with how upsetting the erratic coming and going can be. I didn't know anything about avoidants when I was dealing with all of the erratic behavior from an avoidant. After months of crazy pushing and pulling, I learned a little about avoidants and I had decided that I was going to walk away. Suddenly, the avoidant popped up and everything seemed to be back to normal. He was delightful, we had a plan, and, to my naïve self, he seemed "healed". The next thing I knew, he had disappeared again for two weeks, and when I complained that disappearing wasn't part of the new plan, he got furious and everything essentially ended in a very sad, unresolved way.
I guess what I'm saying is that your avoidant may pop up again and sound totally normal and you're going to have to be prepared how to negotiate that event if it happens. It's really easy to discuss all of this in the abstract, but when a real person finally seems to be healed, it's very hard to really understand that it probably won't last.
Best wishes to you.
Katy
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