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Post by david21 on Jan 13, 2018 18:15:08 GMT
5 months. A constant struggle from day one. There was none of this "pursuing" that I so often read on here that DA'a do. It was me putting in all the effort from day one - in every aspect of the relationship. I've never met anyone in my entire life, male or female, who displayed such little emotions or care about anything (other than her work). When she ended it, becuase "I would never be okay with how little she communicated. And that I deserved to be with someone who showed me their emotions", it was as if she was talking about the weather. Again, she could simply care less. I never heard a word from her again.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 18:19:02 GMT
With time the myriads of smallavoidant behaviours can really erode your feelings of self worth. I am fairly skilled at processing feelings, not taking things personally and having my own life but the resentment still crept in. It seems to be a human need to experience love - this must first be self love and self compassion which then gives us the well to draw from to give to others. When we repeatedly tolerate behaviour that makes us feel bad, however subtly, we can't fail to become less loving ourselves to begin to be manipulative to get attention. Often the manipulation was so under the radar that I didn't even recognise it but in effect my falling into place with his behaviours was being done in order to keep the peace - to get me more of what made me feel good. In short whilst I felt I was the good guy in this we were both controlling things in order to get our needs met. With some distance I now see that the loving thing to do for him would have been to be honest and then to leave and wish him well with all my heart - and to offer myself the same wish rather than demanding that he supply me with whatever I needed to feel good even if that was not within his power. Thank you for starting this thread summer, it has given me food for thought. Yes, love ourselves first, and ask ourselves if we would accept such a relationship for our sister/daughter/best friend, someone we truly love? I think that might be my future litmus test.  I'm afraid if I write anymore about my exDA I will fall for him all over again...  Other than space and time needs, his Avoidance isn't as bad, cheating, canceling, etc. but then your story makes me ponder if he would go the way of your ex if we were to continue? This is what is so great about such a forum - I think I really made up my mind after reading and comparing stories like yours. It gives me better perspective about what was right and wrong about my relationship. Do you regret having spent so many years on this relationship? Was it a case of investing so much time and effort, you didn't want to leave? If you can turn back time, would you have left earlier? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 18:21:03 GMT
5 months. A constant struggle from day one. There was none of this "pursuing" that I so often read on here that DA'a do. It was me putting in all the effort from day one - in every aspect of the relationship. I've never met anyone in my entire life, male or female, who displayed such little emotions or care about anything (other than her work). When she ended it, becuase "I would never be okay with how little she communicated. And that I deserved to be with someone who showed me their emotions", it was as if she was talking about the weather. Again, she could simply care less. I never heard a word from her again. Congrats on getting out, you dodged a bullet! These types get worse with time. |
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Post by david21 on Jan 13, 2018 18:39:17 GMT
5 months. A constant struggle from day one. There was none of this "pursuing" that I so often read on here that DA'a do. It was me putting in all the effort from day one - in every aspect of the relationship. I've never met anyone in my entire life, male or female, who displayed such little emotions or care about anything (other than her work). When she ended it, becuase "I would never be okay with how little she communicated. And that I deserved to be with someone who showed me their emotions", it was as if she was talking about the weather. Again, she could simply care less. I never heard a word from her again. Congrats on getting out, you dodged a bullet! These types get worse with time. Thanks, Curious. I only wish I felt that way Still reeling 3 months later.... |
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Post by ocarina on Jan 13, 2018 19:01:11 GMT
With time the myriads of smallavoidant behaviours can really erode your feelings of self worth. I am fairly skilled at processing feelings, not taking things personally and having my own life but the resentment still crept in. It seems to be a human need to experience love - this must first be self love and self compassion which then gives us the well to draw from to give to others. When we repeatedly tolerate behaviour that makes us feel bad, however subtly, we can't fail to become less loving ourselves to begin to be manipulative to get attention. Often the manipulation was so under the radar that I didn't even recognise it but in effect my falling into place with his behaviours was being done in order to keep the peace - to get me more of what made me feel good. In short whilst I felt I was the good guy in this we were both controlling things in order to get our needs met. With some distance I now see that the loving thing to do for him would have been to be honest and then to leave and wish him well with all my heart - and to offer myself the same wish rather than demanding that he supply me with whatever I needed to feel good even if that was not within his power. Thank you for starting this thread summer, it has given me food for thought. Yes, love ourselves first, and ask ourselves if we would accept such a relationship for our sister/daughter/best friend, someone we truly love? I think that might be my future litmus test. I'm afraid if I write anymore about my exDA I will fall for him all over again... Other than space and time needs, his Avoidance isn't as bad, cheating, canceling, etc. but then your story makes me ponder if he would go the way of your ex if we were to continue? This is what is so great about such a forum - I think I really made up my mind after reading and comparing stories like yours. It gives me better perspective about what was right and wrong about my relationship. Do you regret having spent so many years on this relationship? Was it a case of investing so much time and effort, you didn't want to leave? If you can turn back time, would you have left earlier? I am not sure if I look at it as wasted time or as something I spent time on - I was mostly trying to be ok with his behaviours rather than get anywhere or change anything. That taught me alot in itself so I don't really regret it. We were each others lives really so it was like tearing off a band aid - filled with pain initially and that I suppose is what made it difficult to leave, together with all the good parts and the fact that he was never abusive or unkind. I am super happy single at the moment and don't really feel much need to be with anyone romantically - perhaps never again. It might sound strange but when I was looking for him to fill a hole in me, I felt that I really wanted a partner whether it was him or not and that by staying with him I was preventing this from happening. Now I feel open to a relationship if it happens but equally open to it not happening. By this I mean a relationship with anyone - not my ex. I came into the relationship fairly fresh from divorce and a traumatic short term relationship which left me bruised - so I certainly wasn't in a place where I was available myself - of course I couldn't see that at the time, hindsight is a wonderful thing! I think relationships fulfil different needs according to life stages - I have had my children, have a secure job, my own home and am financially fine so I am not wanting any of these things in a relationship nor do I want marriage, so in many ways it worked for me as it was. I am also somewhat avoidant so that helped. I think as I grew in the relationship my needs changed and I was able to see the beauty of emotional intimacy (in small doses!). He hadn't really caught up - although he was working on it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2018 3:17:02 GMT
My ex and I met at through a bible study at my church. At first, I thought he liked me...he was saying really nice things and we sat together...but he was very laid back and his actions were more friendship then interested. One day we ended up having a 2 hour conversation about families, beliefs etc and he said 2 things that I should have paid closer attention to...1. In all his relationships the girl was the pursuer 2. His longest relationship was 6-8 months. I will admit that I was smitten by him....still trying to unravel that one...so I ended up being the pursuer. It was 5.5 months before we had our first date...I was all in...he was still dipping his toe in the water. Dates would usually be 1 or 2 night where he would ask about coming over, then we would watch Netflix and possibly go out for dinner. Between those dates, I would usually be the one to initiate contact...sometimes it felt like throwing a dart with regards to whether he would reply and the timing of that reply. One time in particular..it took 3 days before I heard from him. He also liked to say " I might come by.." thus allowing him to change his plans and cancel on me. I honestly never felt prioritized...even when our dating became more structured...it was on nights where it was more convenient for him to stay at my place...and they were also the days he had softball/dodgeball and class...so it further limited our time together. He never told me his schedule for work (he was in retail at the time) but would occationally say he had a particuliar day off and would see if I could take that day off too. For the first 3 months of our dating I never met anyone important to him. One night, in the 3rd month of our dating, he told me that he knew early on that I wasn't the one...I was surprisingly calm and told him that he should make sure that whoever he dates, that she would support his dreams. The very next day he invited me to meet his best friend and then after that, I met his parents. It was surreal. We seemed to be doing better and he started saying " I love you"... but I could not shake the feeling that he wasn't all in..that he was there physically but oftentimes he was checked out emotionally. We did have a few really amazing times and those are what kept me going. I wanted him to be that way consistently....loving, attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, understanding, connected...but after a moment of connection..he would always distance...as if to say "Don't count on me...remember I have doubts". When he told me his sister had invited us to stay over..I thought it was a positve sign...after all we had been dating 10.5 months....but late that night when everyone else had gone to bed...he revealed that he had been praying and felt God told him we were not each other's best. I was devastated. I saw my ex 3 months ago...he came over and we slipped into our old pattern of being together except that he made it clear that he did not want any emotional investment. Now I am faced with him coming back to the community at my church tomorrow. I have such mixed feelings about this...so I am just going to be gentle with myself..
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