A Secure's Understanding of Avoidant Breakups.

I did not mean to create drama here and I didn't know my comment would create this. I am a long time lurker and I saw the drama unfold where they asked for their own space, so I am familiar with what happened. It seemed to me they were looking for a free space to talk without being questioned for their discussion. I understand the other view points that they are trying to be supportive and not harm this space and thinking they are contributing to the healing process. I see it's not intentional, but I also think it's wise to have empathy and see it through their lens, their frame of reference. I am not speaking for them, I am empathizing from what I saw unfold.

You might be asking what my stake is here? My gf is avoidant and our relationship works fine, but I would like to understand her more. Over the years, I learned that she doesn't like a lot of interjected questions, especially if they are personal, but if I stand back and listen with patience, she will eventually give me the answers I need. I don't have the same "complaints" or difficulties with her style that some others on here seem to have, so I don't post.

I was happy when this support side was opened and I gleaned a lot of information from the few posts where they were able to talk amongst themselves with a smattering of supportive posts by others. I saw the problem begin when the threads were interjected. I can relate to this. So I guess I am unhappy that this side seemed to get derailed. I am not saying I am the correct one here and I don't even think this is a matter of being correct on anyone's side. I get that people are looking for clarity, but I see this section as being for avoidants to understand themselves better, not for others to understand them. It's often commented that they left after becoming frustrated and feeling disrespected. It may not be how others would feel about the situation, but it's the reality, they did leave. I only wish this space could be restored to a place where they can feel safe.

Hey Dd....I think the issue here is now we have non DAs (and I will take responsibility for my part as well) speaking on behalf of DAs.  The DAs that left chose to leave a while ago and what I am realizing is that, when we (non DAs) tell others..."this is not your space", we are removing the opportunity for the DAs to speak for themselves.  This is a public forum....people are going to interpret "those who support them" in different ways.  We can respect DAs by allowing them to have their own voices...if they do not like something...then speak to it.  But I don't think this post is being disrespectful since the poster even said she would move it.  She was clarifying an understanding she gleaned by reading this forum...just as you are doing the same...just not asking for clarifications.  I am glad to hear that your relationship is working.  

for me it’s an issue of time and practicality as well. it’s true that the forum isn’t appropriate for me and what my objectives are at this point in my journey. I am full time self employed and take care of people’s needs all day, as well as parenting children at home and grandparenting, too. I also take care of my dying mother which is a sad thing given the painful dynamic there.

I love my life and it’s well balanced but most of my energy is directed toward takin care of the needs of others and i really enjoyed carving out a small block of time to interact with others here who can relate and share their personal issues and viewpoints around being avoidant and working to know themselves better.

I really got irritated by the interruption of others who turned the threads to their own needs, but i don’t mind accepting that is the way it is here and moving on. it just takes too much time to wade through it, it isn’t what i want or need. I have managed to find a couple people to share experiences and growth with without the public forum complications and it works good.

so, to each their own and we can all take what we need and leave the rest. i do see that DA’s are continually solicited for relationship advice from those who want to improve their own relationships, without much thought given to why the DA is here (which in my case was to further heal from a breakup from someone i love).
During my own healing from heartbreak it was kind of astounded to see so many people beating up DA’s and picking their brains to improve their own relationships.
It looked very selfish to me, but that’s my perspective.

Yeah , no problem.
i did explain when i introduced myself and in my further postings that i was dealing with a breakup from someone i love. But I got slammed in my message box by people wanting relationship advice. I mean, come on. i just broke up, i might be hurting, can you see?

i even had someone ask me if my relationship had anything to do with feelings, essentially. or if it was just an arrangement.
Just because i focused on my issues around avoidant behavior instead of the way i felt about my partner, i guess.

we love, we hurt. and in my case it’s really helpful to say no to other people’s needs at the end of my day and find fellowship that acknowledges my own need to just ‘be’ without offering anything. I have lots to offer but just not here. This wasnt for me. Didn’t work out but i am fine and found what i need. it’s all a learning process