Post by Muf on Jun 5, 2016 17:30:17 GMT
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for the article. I wonder post my break up this is the relationship we had and cannot help wonder if only I knew why the 'Avoidant' person behaves the way they do I would have been more successful.
What makes me confused though is that we had a very intense and close 1 and a half year of my two year relationship (1 year of which was long distance). Even if in the first year she at times went silent and stopped talking to me and then when I talked of it with her she would say its her way of telling me whenever I had made her sad, with time I learned to deal with it and things seemed fine. But real problems started when we were even close by distance and actually felt we had most issues whenever we had a great weekend together (we still lived in different cities if not countries now) - whenever we had a great time I would feel like connecting more with her when she went to her city but after 5-6 days she started to shut down and avoid me. This made me quite anxious and I would try to connect with her more and she seemed to withdraw more and more, over time she started to pick on me with small things like 'can't you hold the microphone closer, you are so annoying', whenever I would say you pick the restaurant for dinner she would say 'you are so indecisive', these things led me to not be able to talk to her which is actually really unnatural for me as I have always considered it my very good strength to connect closely with people in my teams who would easily confide in me their personal issues, all these things and the new conflict made me a bit insecure. The worst came when she would protest that I don't talk to her and I would say 'love but I cannot talk easily because whenever I start to say anything warmly you start calling me names like idiot or stupid'. It became so hard for me but I was so in love with her that I kept asking her we should meet more so that we spend only 'us time' as whenever we had 3-4 days things would get as before, but only for her to withdraw and shut down every time after she left. Before we broke up (she broke up actually) she turned down my request to meet 5 times, but always on the pretext that she wanted to see me but meeting for a few days was not enough, I would be confused but I understand her anxiety. The worst was when we finally found 3 weeks off together she then cut short the plan to only 5 days saying she thought meeting for 3 weeks when we had been having problems was not a good idea. I just never understood how us not being together would solve our issues of not being able to be close. Its not as if she didn't love me, she used to talk of a lifelong relationship but the weirdest thing was she never said 'I love you' until the day she broke up saying she just couldn't say earlier.
I kept asking her to work on our problems for they didn't seem so serious to me as in my head the way out was very easy - to get close and talk and communicate, but she shut me out for the final time.
Now that I think of it I keep remembering how I had to try so so hard to get her to talk of her issues at work when she couldn't get along with her team or classmates, she got uncomfortable but always thanked me that I got close to her like no one could. But also at times she acted in a manner that made me feel I had been alone in some close moments - once after a really close evening together she started accusing me out of the blue that I wasn't happy with her after I helped a (girl) friend out with some money, it was a very innocuous thing but it felt as if something flipped and she started accusing me of not being happy which made me really sad and confused as I started having doubts if what we had that evening was even real if she says this. Also one time before she flipped like this and started fighting with me again when a classmate, again a girl (if it matters), requested to keep her bags at our airbnb apartment for 3 days. My girlfriend knew that it was something very innocent that I would help out anyone with but she again started saying mean things to me out of nowhere even after I told her that morning how happy I was with her. This is even more confusing as we both knew that we were very loyal to each other and she knew I was totally committed to her.
Its just that I am too confused now what happened with our relationship, we were so close together but she would shut me out within days after it and not see it as such whenever I pointed out. We would have great intense evenings but she then she would sometimes say I am not happy with her. Even when she broke up she didn't specify any reason, a few days before that said I am not happy with her while I kept requesting to meet and how much I loved her.
Its the most painful for me not even knowing now how she ever saw our relationship. Both of us are loyal and good people, no one hurt the other knowingly, but I don't know if she just stopped loving me or pushed me away by closing down days after telling me 'I was love of her life'.
Can you help me out Jeb making sense of above?
Thanks a lot!
Thank you for the article. I wonder post my break up this is the relationship we had and cannot help wonder if only I knew why the 'Avoidant' person behaves the way they do I would have been more successful.
What makes me confused though is that we had a very intense and close 1 and a half year of my two year relationship (1 year of which was long distance). Even if in the first year she at times went silent and stopped talking to me and then when I talked of it with her she would say its her way of telling me whenever I had made her sad, with time I learned to deal with it and things seemed fine. But real problems started when we were even close by distance and actually felt we had most issues whenever we had a great weekend together (we still lived in different cities if not countries now) - whenever we had a great time I would feel like connecting more with her when she went to her city but after 5-6 days she started to shut down and avoid me. This made me quite anxious and I would try to connect with her more and she seemed to withdraw more and more, over time she started to pick on me with small things like 'can't you hold the microphone closer, you are so annoying', whenever I would say you pick the restaurant for dinner she would say 'you are so indecisive', these things led me to not be able to talk to her which is actually really unnatural for me as I have always considered it my very good strength to connect closely with people in my teams who would easily confide in me their personal issues, all these things and the new conflict made me a bit insecure. The worst came when she would protest that I don't talk to her and I would say 'love but I cannot talk easily because whenever I start to say anything warmly you start calling me names like idiot or stupid'. It became so hard for me but I was so in love with her that I kept asking her we should meet more so that we spend only 'us time' as whenever we had 3-4 days things would get as before, but only for her to withdraw and shut down every time after she left. Before we broke up (she broke up actually) she turned down my request to meet 5 times, but always on the pretext that she wanted to see me but meeting for a few days was not enough, I would be confused but I understand her anxiety. The worst was when we finally found 3 weeks off together she then cut short the plan to only 5 days saying she thought meeting for 3 weeks when we had been having problems was not a good idea. I just never understood how us not being together would solve our issues of not being able to be close. Its not as if she didn't love me, she used to talk of a lifelong relationship but the weirdest thing was she never said 'I love you' until the day she broke up saying she just couldn't say earlier.
I kept asking her to work on our problems for they didn't seem so serious to me as in my head the way out was very easy - to get close and talk and communicate, but she shut me out for the final time.
Now that I think of it I keep remembering how I had to try so so hard to get her to talk of her issues at work when she couldn't get along with her team or classmates, she got uncomfortable but always thanked me that I got close to her like no one could. But also at times she acted in a manner that made me feel I had been alone in some close moments - once after a really close evening together she started accusing me out of the blue that I wasn't happy with her after I helped a (girl) friend out with some money, it was a very innocuous thing but it felt as if something flipped and she started accusing me of not being happy which made me really sad and confused as I started having doubts if what we had that evening was even real if she says this. Also one time before she flipped like this and started fighting with me again when a classmate, again a girl (if it matters), requested to keep her bags at our airbnb apartment for 3 days. My girlfriend knew that it was something very innocent that I would help out anyone with but she again started saying mean things to me out of nowhere even after I told her that morning how happy I was with her. This is even more confusing as we both knew that we were very loyal to each other and she knew I was totally committed to her.
Its just that I am too confused now what happened with our relationship, we were so close together but she would shut me out within days after it and not see it as such whenever I pointed out. We would have great intense evenings but she then she would sometimes say I am not happy with her. Even when she broke up she didn't specify any reason, a few days before that said I am not happy with her while I kept requesting to meet and how much I loved her.
Its the most painful for me not even knowing now how she ever saw our relationship. Both of us are loyal and good people, no one hurt the other knowingly, but I don't know if she just stopped loving me or pushed me away by closing down days after telling me 'I was love of her life'.
Can you help me out Jeb making sense of above?
Thanks a lot!
