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Post by Preeti on Jun 7, 2016 20:03:30 GMT
What can convince a dismissive avoidant to realize himself and to change? I wonder what are the factors that has led for dismissive avoidant to think about counselling or wanting to change?
Background:
I'm 35 married to a dismissive avoidant and he wants to leave me totally. During one n half years of marriage, I had caused Physical permanent changes On him on
1. Physical violence
that he openly admitted that it was his mistakes n will never do again that happened when I had intruded his space
Anyway I'll cut short about his classic behaviors because I want to be very focused on the topic. I want to hear if anyone has changed himself or herself or seen partner change, it will be highly helpful to share your experiences particularly.
Despite thus understanding, Id love to help out my husband and deeply feel for him. As he may have not known that the marriage would not worked first him, n does not even know that go has such a mental block, I feel for him much more
To influence him :
1. The only way is to change myself for him. Offering him space
Being mindful to keep very minimal communication
Not join him on his private hobbies
Not help him on chores he like to do himself
While I could do these consistently for a period of months, what's the long months term plan to
1. Influence him to change on each if his topic behavior
On what each topic of issue that stands in lack of intimacy n causes suffering - Importantly how?
2. how to earn his trust?
3. How to suggest to read jebkinnison' book without offending him? What communication style could it be communicated?
4. How to stop boredom happening to him other one date he may leave
5. What keeps us to be patience, tolerant jopwdul
6. Any other topics I may gave missed
thanks people
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
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Post by katy on Jun 8, 2016 1:29:16 GMT
My sense is that a man who has already resorted to physical violence to control you is very far down the continuum of being a dismissive avoidant. Most physically violent men make sincere-sounding promises that it will never happen again, until you do the next thing that they don't like and then they will hit you again. Once a person has given himself permission to be physically violent, the next time they decide to hit, it will be easier for them to be violent.
My opinion is that you need to leave a physically violent husband as soon as he hits you the first time, not wait for more abuse. If you feel that you have to try to save the marriage, you could talk with a battered women's shelter or a counselor who specializes in domestic violence to find out if there are rehabilitation programs that your husband could attend to get to the root of his emotional problems so that he will learn to modify his violent, controlling personality. I also wouldn't expect him to attend the program, but you could try.
At the same time, you need to understand that domestic violence does not get better. You cannot be compliant enough to stop repeat violence. Reading Jeb's book is probably not going to change the personality of a man who would resort to hitting his wife.
You said that your husband wants to leave. Most battered women have the problem that they cannot leave - their husbands stalk them and often injure or kill them rather than lose them. Normally the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when she wants to leave.
It's not what you want to hear, but a man who has already hit you is most likely going to do it again, and the violence always gets worse. My opinion is that you would be much better to accept the fact that he is not a good husband and that you would be much better off without him. If you stay, the violence will most definitely get worse and you will be constantly trying to placate him. If you split up, you can move on to find a relationship with a kind, loving person.
Best wishes,
Katy |
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Post by mailuma94 on Jun 8, 2016 19:08:23 GMT
He did hit me but after the incident, he has fully changed and didn't repeat it.
Not only that he has assured he will never do this again. And, he tells that thus is thx only mistake he has done in the marriage. Whatever be it, im glad he has changed on this point although it was very tough to make hkm understand.
What worked was - "if you don't change, I won't hesitate to complaint legally."
Although he cried out of his self pity thinking what still happen to him if I'll go in that moment to make a complaint. He really did verbally agree it was his only mistake in the marriage and he had changed. Whatever reasons may be i'm glad he changed
* he hints me ambiguously
Love is not enough
(I didn't understand but in the internet when I came across love is not enough, liking is important too) I felt very bad.
* though I made him change this, he had started disliking me in return and kept telling how could you tell me you will go to police. This is only one of the reasons why go dislikes me. Good knows what's in his mind
I want to be very subjective again, humans are made to do impossible things. I know this could cost me life. Why can't science or technique or processes could unveil?
Can I ask him to read Jeb Kinnison' s book now (at this point we are already living in separate room in same house and he is talking about divorce seriously) I want to try my best to make it work. So in this situation, is it good to ask him to read this book. Secondly, would it mess up with has emotions and cause him pain to find out thus, will it disturb his happiness that he may further hate me or blame me for showing him whole is?
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147
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Post by katy on Jun 8, 2016 21:06:53 GMT
I hope that you'll be able to look inside yourself to try to understand why you want a situation like this to work. In my opinion you are just setting yourself up for a horrible, unhappy life. You might want to read a book by Patrick Carnes called The Betrayal Bond where he discusses the difficulties people have in leaving intense, frightening situations. People tend to be drawn back into difficult situations instead of being able to gain perspective and take care of themselves by leaving. Betrayal or trauma bonds are why emotionally and physically battered women have such a difficult time leaving men who are so damaging to them.
My first husband was a mean-spirited, abusive man and it became a nightmare living with him. I divorced him after he hit me. As an example of how dangerous abusive men can be, after the divorce was final, my first husband stalked me, threatened me, several times tried to run me off the road, and pointed a gun at me. I am very lucky that he did not hurt me.
I got married again and my second husband is a kind, decent person. It's like a night and day difference.
It's very embarrassing to admit that you made a mistake marrying a person who ended up being so horrible, but the only chance you have to create a happy life for yourself is to end the marriage and move on. And, again, please listen to what he is saying - he does not want to be married and he has been violent once. Living with threats of the police is not a happy marriage - that is warfare. I do not believe that reading Jeb's book is going to cure him - he's a troubled man and it's clear that you and he are not a compatible couple who have a good future.
Please take care of your self and try to find a resource who can help you to understand how to move on from a domestic violence situation.
Katy
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