Don't date if you don't love yourself enough?

I am the shallowest of the pools (DA) and you are right, I don't understand the constant need for reassurance, but I wonder if it can work for both sides.  I need space and have been in relationships that weren't conducive to space, so I did learn that I need a partner that can give me that.  My last partner was very good about giving me the space I needed and it gave me a more positive view of relationships.  (I am a person who thought I didn't need relationships, typical DA).  Without these experiences, I don't think I would have evolved much.

I wonder if an AP found a partner that gave you more of what you need (reassurance, stability), can that grow into feeling loved enough to grow the confidence inside and therefore needing less?

I understand your point of view. From my own logical view point, I wonder if a person that relies heavily on others for reassurance can grow alone as much as they could grow with outside positive reinforcement.  I mean, we all became insecure from outside negative reinforcement.  

Yes, I see your quandry. Your goal is to become more self sufficient.  With the absence of the triggers, it's difficult to work on yet a relationship may do nothing to heal your inside.  I do believe though it's possible to have a happy relationship as an AP with the right partner.  I have a friend who is AP and I believe her husband is secure.  She has learned over time to give him space and he definitely loves her.  She still has episodes, but she's very happy and they have been married over 20 years.  

I brought it up to my therapist that I don't necessarily want to give up my avoidance entirely or that I might not be able to change it and is it possible to have a happy relationship with a person that would accept that part of me.  She said I may not have true deep intimacy, but both partners could definitely be happy this way.  I think I have come to terms with, yes, I want to grow and I will continue to, but that happiness with a partner is my real goal.

It's complicated stuff!

alpenglow, what does being lovable look like to you? what kind of evidence do you need to convince yourself that you are lovable?

I'm not actually sure.
The evidence I seek is someone falling in love with me I guess?

In other areas where I also feel deficient, for example work or school, some external evidence helped to convince me that I can't be possibly be "stupid". Good grades for examples. Even though I still downplay my "success", this inner core belief has become slightly less powerful over time.
But the "not lovable" core belief is not as easy to refute, because one does not encounter situations where one can be disproved as often. For example, in the course of your life, you might be evaluated  in an exam or work situation more often than meeting people who might potentially fall in love with you. This is at least the reality of my life.

Ideally, one shouldn't need external evidence to prove or refute one's own worth. But I don't know of any other way to validate myself and change my thought patterns. I know that external validation is central among APs.

Found this interesting comment somewhere online, which combines self-love and learning acceptance from others (in a loving relationship):

"So then the question is "is someone out there willing to accept me?" I think the statistically accurate answer is "probably." But I think the ability for a person to accept love, to accept acceptance, and to *feel loved*relies a lot of the one's ability to practice self-love. That's just a fancy way of saying RuPaul's famous "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?" If you can't accept your own flaws, how can you accept the flaws of another person or believe it when a person tells you those flaws are okay to have? I think not being able to practice self-love prevents a person from receiving love completely, thus leading to the false belief that they are "unlovable."

That mentioned, I do not think that being unable to accept oneself, and thus being unable to "accept" love, makes someone inherently unlovable. The love that I describe is a huge process that takes lots of time to master. It is learnable, given that you have something to learn from. I say that because a lot of love gurus out there recommend that people stay away from matters of love if depressed, if feeling low, etc. "Look inside, do things you love, forget about finding someone to like. Then your self-esteem will improve" they say.

But to be honest, I never learned much about self-acceptance or self-love when I "looked inside" because I had so heavily internalized negative messages around me. Now, this comes from my experiences as a black woman, as someone who has been told via individuals and institutions that I should not accept myself, and as someone who had not seen a lot of examples of black self-love growing up. So when I "looked inside" for validation, I relied a lot on denial and the racist narratives I already knew to "love" myself. I'd retreat into my hobbies and use them to compensate for my feelings of inherent unlovableness. I'd think things like "at least I'm good at xyz" without resolving my self hate.

I think for those who are told over and over that they are not worthy of love, external support and love is absolutely key to guiding a person back to self-love. Seeking out and leaning on a community of people who love you can help you learn self-acceptance when such things were never modeled for you. That is to say, seeking out love when you feel unloved is okay, with caveats.

Caveats: I think people sometimes conflate what I'm saying with the concept of codependence or emotional neediness, which is understandable. Sometimes people don't just lean on a loving community; they depend on that community completely for self-worth. That's very different from looking to a person to learn about acceptance, and I do not think that such things are healthy.

tl;dr: I think everyone is capable of being loved(being accepted). I think that it's really hard to receive (thus feel) and reciprocate love when you don't have models of acceptance. I think it is okay to seek out love when you have not achieved perfect acceptance, given that you do not become codependent on those who love you"