What are we?

Oh geez, yes it is incredibly difficult. The anxiety is impossible to control so don't beat yourself up, but you can find resources and support to bring yourself to a more secure place.

Can you talk to us more about when the switch was for you from avoidant to anxious and the point that triggered this for you?

For me (I am also FA) this happens actually the moment I am dating someone. Before that I am very dismissive and uninterested, but from the second we are dating I switch to anxious. This can then calm down if my partner is secure and stable.

This trip was the first thing we planned on doing together as a couple and yes, it kind of signified commitment. She wasn't chasing me actively before but she'd show me she liked me every chance she'd got. We were friends for more than 10 years and we're both part of an old group of friends. We were dating for about a month when the trigger happened and she didn't fully switch to full avoidant until the conflict after the party. There were signs before, she'd have those difficult times at the office and she wouldn't let me anywhere near her to comfort her during those times, and other smaller things like avoiding more sensitive conversations. But she was still eager to commit, talking about how things will be when we moved in together, even talking about kids, which kind of freaked me out. She's also told her family about me, and how eager her parents are to meet me. I was kind of reluctant and clearly explained to her that I want to see them and meet her friends, it's just that my anxiety and fears keep me from doing this at the moment, but that I'm so eager to meet them all. Her forgetting me by forgetting the trip... that's very interesting. She idealized me too much I think, all the more reason for her to be disappointed and turn avoidant on me.

Thing is, she's planned the weekend off on her own two weeks before but she had a colleague of hers stay at her place for some time until he found a place to rent. He was leaving that Saturday and she had to be around for him to move out. So somewhere around this time I suggest that we take the trip, but she'd forgotten all about it eventually.



It was very strange the way we started dating; I was reaching out to her (since she was a good friend) in very small dosages because I really liked talking to her and nothing more, or so I thought. I'd usually meet her and then go dark for days or weeks at a time since I was sensing some feelings for her and that scared me.



So the last time we hung out as buddies I slept at her place, woke up in the morning, got bored so I washed the dishes since she was still asleep. I hugged her before I left that day and here I was again, running for the hills like never before.



Anyways, I reach out to her a week later, somewhat scared and feeling guilty for behaving like that, thinking I should really have the guts to tell her I'm not interested so she shouldn't waste her time on me. So we meet up again, talk about stuff - her therapy sessions, my therapy sessions, some small talk when I finally muster the courage to tell her that it's very hard for me to be vulnerable and I just feel like running and never look back the moment someone gets close to me, hoping she'd just leave me alone. She tells me she's just the same, she's running when someone gets close to her. She also tells me she panicked when she saw me doing the dishes. I'm telling her not to take my distancing personally and that I feel like she's trying to control me with her acts of care. It just broke my heart telling her that, since I knew there were genuine acts of care and nothing more.



So anyways, I think she has some awareness of what's going on with her judging by what she'd told me that evening, but I believe it's very hard for her to actually see it happening when she's in the middle of the distancing act, which could just be her equivalent to the emotional storms I'm experiencing - when I just feel abandoned and rejected by the whole world and see her as the most evil person on the planet. Very hard and painful...

I noticed her being somewhat more herself when we're going out and there's other friends around; she almost seems unchanged and doesn't seem distant at all. We hung out with some friends this Sunday and she seemed really cool, but once we got back to her place and it was just us, she just turned off like a light bulb. More or less, something like this . Asked if she felt comfortable with me being around, she said she doesn't mind in a very standoffish way. I think she's actually very scared, just hiding it well.

So we talked a bit yesterday about the relationship on both our accord and one idea to the next, I'm telling her that I don't want to be ashamed with who I am and what I need in a relationship and that I'm very curious about her needs also and how I can meet them better. I told her I sometimes feel uncomfortable around her, but that's just my fears and negative thoughts and I don't hold her responsible for them, I just want her to know that I don't want her to blame herself, to which she replied: "If you're uncomfortable, why are you wasting your time?" This kind of puzzled me and I felt so heartbroken for her... it wasn't "Why are we wasting each other's time?" which led me to believe she feels like she's a burden or something, that she's unlovable, that all she is to me is a waste of time.

Thanks hello for your advice, I know what you're saying but I'm willing to stay a bit longer, that's what I told her too... I think it's a bit early to call it quits.

She's getting edgier with each passing day and more emotionally immature. I actually felt she was behaving like an 18 year old angsty teenager lately. She had moments being mean these days, with me reacting neutrally, then she comes around and tries to "mend" the situation in a very non responsible way, blaming her behavior on some external factor but never taking responsibility or saying sorry. 

She's trying to look aloof and uninterested, but I noticed what I say has a huge impact on her and she's not always able to hide this. I may say something totally unrelated to her, and she draws negative conclusions about herself from the conversation; she's overly vigilant for negative cues when I talk. 

She has a lot to learn about herself, and yes, she has low self esteem. I'm her first experience so she might have to bang her head against the wall a few times before realizing the issue here isn't me entirely.

Strange thing is, she's been calling the shots on when we should hang out, I didn't even initiate anything for more than 2 weeks now. The closest I've come to initiating has been "Hey, we can hang out whenever you want" and that's it. She even said we haven't seen each other very often the last week.

Late edit - she just asked to hang out again today, we've been seeing each other on Saturday, left her place on Sunday and she also wanted to hang out Sunday evening evening with some friends but I had other plans.