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Post by dann98 on Mar 7, 2018 15:39:33 GMT
So I had a surprise conversation yesterday about what's going on between us atm. She initiated it and it was very honest and mature. She said she feels like we have nothing in common other than our problems and it feels like that's all we talk about, and truth be told, we did talk a lot about our problems. She also said she kind of lost the spark but she's been talking in therapy about this and she still doesn't know whether she's lost it after the argument we had last December (I was an emotional wreck during the argument and cried a lot) or due to the fact that it's just not meant to be. The way she shut down around that period was shocking; she just went from madly in love to basically zero emotions in about two days. She says she wants to try and not end relationships as she did before, at the first sign of difficulty. She also says she's confused and doesn't understand why she gets so annoyed by me; she got annoyed by the smell of my chewing gum yesterday. That's how the conversation actually started. She tells me she doesn't like the fact that I'm talking about my problems, yet I never seem to do anything to fix them. That I'm avoiding her friends and it saddens her that I don't make an effort to get to know them; like I'm not part of her life. She also says without therapy she would have rejected me after the first kiss and she usually does that with all the boys. She just flips them off and moves on "because she doesn't want to make them suffer". So what the hell was that? I'm so confused right now... I asked her if she felt rejected by me being vulnerable and sensitive around her.. said she doesn't really know but she hates that side of her, that she's ashamed by her feminine side and doesn't want to show it to anyone. Sorry if the text is a bit incoherent but I'm writing on cell.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 16:44:23 GMT
dann98, I've had that issue of being annoyed by small things about a person. For me, it was low level anger. I was actually very hurt by my bfs actions, but I couldn't pinpoint the exact issue for a long time, so the anger "seeped " out in small ways. I finally did come to realize the big issue and we are still working on it. Hopefully you will be able to talk it out more with her.
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Post by dann98 on Mar 7, 2018 17:01:40 GMT
Yeah, I'm planning on doing so. Man it feels really good to have an actual conversation now and then. She just seemed so closed off and annoyed the past weeks.
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Post by dann98 on Mar 21, 2018 21:34:59 GMT
So me and my girlfriend went through another talk on things, just minor stuff that we discuss in individual therapy.
Told her my therapist thinks I'm denying my masculine side, which she said she noticed and finds kind of unattractive.
So we just expanded on this a bit more and this is where I tell her I want to spend time with her and do things together and that I feel she doesn't want to move things forward. She says that's true, she doesn't. Also says she doesn't feel the initial spark and she can't do anything without that spark. We've been sexless for quite some time now and I don't see an intention anytime soon.
So anyways, I'm asking her what is she still doing in this relationship? Why doesn't she just leave? She says she doesn't know when, how and what to do.
She's sleeping right next to me right now and I just feel like the last ounce of attraction I have for her begins to fade. She killed off everything beautiful thing between us, then she says "I know we had these really nice moments and I miss them, but they were four months ago..."
I did my best acting secure around her and I told her maybe she's feeling triggered by something in my behavior. She said no, she doesn't feel triggered at all.
I'm really confused and I don't get it. She switched off emotionally in just two days after a conflict we had on Christmas.
Why is she still staying? A secure would never do that, right? A secure would either leave or stay and work on the relationship. She's staying but not willing to work on it. Wtf? She calls every day, we do sleepovers, we hang out with friends, we go to concerts, but yet nothing changes between us. We're not getting anywhere...
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Post by dann98 on Mar 25, 2018 7:26:43 GMT
Amblin, thank you for your insight and also read on your post about your ex. Indeed, it sounds oddly familiar, also similar with most of the stories here about FA's. I left kind of deflated and mad the morning after the talk, she started masturbating in her sleep and moaning that night and I just got enough of it and went to sleep in a different room. Told her about it in the morning, not that I'm bothered about the sleep thing since it's, well, sleep, but told her the whole situation feels awful to me, seeing her pleasure herself when we haven't had sex for months. She seemed very detached about it, told me yeah, it kind of sucks, why didn't you wake me up? But that's not the point. She's acting like I'm emotionally contagious or something. She doesn't take responsibility for any situation or at least doesn't want to; she's just throwing in all these negative "conclusions" she has about me and the relationship, like "I don't feel like in the beginning", "We're just talking about our problems", "We have nothing in common", "let time do its part", "there's no chemistry", "you're acting womanly" - which in my opinion is bullshit since all I am is affectionate and caring as much as I can, but also fearful around her which is just her triggering me. And then, when I try talking about issues she just says "Well, I told you how it is", almost like she's just throwing in the conditions of the relationship, and it's my business whether I like it or not. She doesn't take any responsibility for my feelings and it almost seems like she gets these ego power trips out of it. Almost everytime we talk, it feels like she's just throwing in that extra bit which she knows will hurt me and put her in a place of power and control. And then I'm telling her she's hurting me, and she says "well, it's not like I'm in a good place either. But I want to put myself first and not feel guilty about it." Feels to me like she doesn't know who she is and where her boundaries are, so she will just go to extremes; it just feels so fake. So after the talk that morning and me getting slightly mad, she's acting like nothing happened and keeps running her "happy relationship scripts" asking me if I need a ride to work that morning, and if I want to hang around on Friday because she'll be away for the weekend (again, third weekend in a row). I discarded her and she didn't contact me since Thursday. She has had just two brief relationships and she's in her thirties - one about 10 months and the other 8 months. She's told me about the latter, how it went to shit because they weren't doing anything and the guy was jobless and smoking pot all day so I thought well, seems legit to leave him but looking at how things are with me now I don't think that was the whole story. Was reading this article and it just fits her perfectly: www.abandonment.net/abandoholics-anonymousI don't know if I'm ready to leave yet and the situation is very complicated since we're in a group of common friends. But it just feels like we're done anyway so might just do it sooner than later. |
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Post by mrob on Mar 25, 2018 8:56:52 GMT
You do realise that some of this is about you, too. Why are you still chasing her? As someone said to me recently “Sometimes love just isn’t enough”. It’s all good to be pointing the finger and complaining about her behaviour, but why not change the one thing you can? You.
A truly secure would walk away and not stand being treated like this. Perhaps it’s time to look inwards.
Also, have you read the Jen Kinnison book? It says the same thing as the article.
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Post by dann98 on Mar 25, 2018 9:36:32 GMT
I agree this is about me too. I'm willing to work on things with her though. Problems surface in any relationship and what happened between us shouldn't be irreparable.
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Post by mrob on Mar 25, 2018 9:50:21 GMT
That wasn’t meant to sound accusatory. Thing is that if you can’t see the role you’re playing, then you can’t do anything about it. She’s got to see there is something wrong, too, and the liikelihood is that until she crashes and burns, she won’t see it at all. That is what I had to do. The pain got so bad that I had to look at this. My own pain, and the guilt of the pain I’ve inflicted on others.
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Post by dann98 on Mar 25, 2018 10:05:01 GMT
I do see my role in this and I keep ruminating about situations where I should have acted differently. What's done is done and I truly really wish to move things forward with us but it's just me pulling in that direction. It's really sad how we just switch partners at the first sign of trouble, it just doesn't feel the right thing to do... instead of leaning in, learn about ourselves and try to heal. But it takes two for this to happen indeed.
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