Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 14:30:38 GMT
The thread got derailed from whether it's possible for an AP to move to the DA/FA side of the spectrum. In case you're wondering about the AP-AP relationship. I was in one, I quickly became avoidant. Another reason why I wonder how possible is it to flip sides.. Sorry, I did not mean to derail. The more I think about this, maybe it's possible, because they say that insecures can become secure over time. So I guess it's possible to change your style? Maybe, it's a function of who we are involved with at the time? I don't know. In other threads, I have said I haven't flipped to the AP side, but maybe it's because I have never been involved with an avoidant, other than casual stuff. Maybe it depends on where a person is on the spectrum. |
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Post by cricket on Mar 2, 2018 16:01:14 GMT
I become major avoidant when involved w an AP or even w a secure but at the same time I think maybe it's just because I don't like them "enough". Then those beliefs start popping up how I never like anyone that likes me or guys that I really like never like me enough.
But yes I definitely think attachment styles can change if you are with someone of a certain style long enough.
Even secures can change to insecure.
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 2, 2018 17:01:43 GMT
The thread got derailed from whether it's possible for an AP to move to the DA/FA side of the spectrum. In case you're wondering about the AP-AP relationship. I was in one, I quickly became avoidant. Another reason why I wonder how possible is it to flip sides.. Sorry, I did not mean to derail. The more I think about this, maybe it's possible, because they say that insecures can become secure over time. So I guess it's possible to change your style? Maybe, it's a function of who we are involved with at the time? I don't know. In other threads, I have said I haven't flipped to the AP side, but maybe it's because I have never been involved with an avoidant, other than casual stuff. Maybe it depends on where a person is on the spectrum. No worries! I constantly think about it. It's so tiring to be AP, I'm sure it is the same as FA/DA, but at least not as many intrusive thoughts. They kill me |
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 2, 2018 17:06:23 GMT
I become major avoidant when involved w an AP or even w a secure but at the same time I think maybe it's just because I don't like them "enough". Then those beliefs start popping up how I never like anyone that likes me or guys that I really like never like me enough. But yes I definitely think attachment styles can change if you are with someone of a certain style long enough. Even secures can change to insecure. Exactly! I think that's what happened to me. When I was with an AP I was mega avoidant and even when I wasn't with someone that was AP I would behave the way a secure leaning on the avoidant side would, but maybe it's down to the fact that I often see guys as losers in regards to dating them. Maybe that was self-control over my feelings idk. Once I got with my avoidant bf, whom I didn't of as superior in anyway, suddenly I felt inferior and soon seeped into AP. Fantastic hahaha |
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Post by cricket on Mar 2, 2018 17:57:42 GMT
I become major avoidant when involved w an AP or even w a secure but at the same time I think maybe it's just because I don't like them "enough". Then those beliefs start popping up how I never like anyone that likes me or guys that I really like never like me enough. But yes I definitely think attachment styles can change if you are with someone of a certain style long enough. Even secures can change to insecure. Exactly! I think that's what happened to me. When I was with an AP I was mega avoidant and even when I wasn't with someone that was AP I would behave the way a secure leaning on the avoidant side would, but maybe it's down to the fact that I often see guys as losers in regards to dating them. Maybe that was self-control over my feelings idk. Once I got with my avoidant bf, whom I didn't of as superior in anyway, suddenly I felt inferior and soon seeped into AP. Fantastic hahaha "Losers" lol why do you see them that way? The more I dug into my core beliefs about relationships and men in general , I found that I have a very negative outlook on both yet I want a happy relationship. My want is in complete opposite to my beliefs about them. So I am working on changing those beliefs and not thinking or assuming that all men or liars or jerks or "losers" haha. It's challenging but interesting. When I first got w my Avoidant I didn't even like him or think he was very cute then he activated my attachment style and all of a sudden he was God's gift. Haha |
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Post by gaynxious on Mar 2, 2018 22:50:00 GMT
The thread got derailed from whether it's possible for an AP to move to the DA/FA side of the spectrum. In case you're wondering about the AP-AP relationship. I was in one, I quickly became avoidant. Another reason why I wonder how possible is it to flip sides.. Agreed, and largely my fault. I had commented earlier that as an AP I am struggling to not be avoidant with the extremely AP man I am kinda seeing so I forgot to state how I thought that tangent was relevant. But I also said I don't think this is an actual change in my attachment style so much as we each can have different attachments to different people. |
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Post by madamebovary on Mar 3, 2018 1:15:47 GMT
mmmmmmm, i actually feel the same if i'm pursued by someone i'm not interested in or someone i've not immediately felt attracted to. I will feel like they want something from me or that they're not good enough for me or there's something wrong with them to be SO interested in me. it's ok if they are very slightly interested and get to know me first, but if they are just straight up interested when i am not feeling the same, i get weirded out. I don't mind being pursued, but i'm often quite suspicious of being pursued by people i'm not interested in. it's a little like they "connected" with me but i didn't "connect" with them even if we could converse etc (probably because I wasn't connecting with them on a particularly deep level and i was putting on a particular version of me). I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think (and it’s really sad and shows how much that early family stuff messes with you), but I think that my biological mother leaving when we were very small (and me constantly trying to get her to love me forever after that) and the relationship with my father and stepmother (chaotic, abusive stepmother and avoidant father who turned the other cheek) just set me up to feel like chasing after someone hard is what you’re supposed to do when you love someone. The only times anyone has turned it around and pursued me, I have thought either “what’s wrong with them... why do they like me?” Or I’ve felt suffocated... and needed to distance. I’ve never stayed in any relationship where the other person pursued me hard. My longest relationship started as a friendship. I knew he wanted me, but he was able to give me space as I dated other people (who ignored me) and he was such a constant, secure presence in my life... it just worked. |
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 3, 2018 13:10:41 GMT
Exactly! I think that's what happened to me. When I was with an AP I was mega avoidant and even when I wasn't with someone that was AP I would behave the way a secure leaning on the avoidant side would, but maybe it's down to the fact that I often see guys as losers in regards to dating them. Maybe that was self-control over my feelings idk. Once I got with my avoidant bf, whom I didn't of as superior in anyway, suddenly I felt inferior and soon seeped into AP. Fantastic hahaha "Losers" lol why do you see them that way? The more I dug into my core beliefs about relationships and men in general , I found that I have a very negative outlook on both yet I want a happy relationship. My want is in complete opposite to my beliefs about them. So I am working on changing those beliefs and not thinking or assuming that all men or liars or jerks or "losers" haha. It's challenging but interesting. When I first got w my Avoidant I didn't even like him or think he was very cute then he activated my attachment style and all of a sudden he was God's gift. Haha SAME!!! First with my DA i thought "he's ok" and thought about dating other people. Then he activated me and BAM I'll marry him, have a family and blablabalbalabalbla. I was even surprised when my friend said "oh he's cute, good job". I didn't think much of him, but he was lovely, cannot deny that. I just thought his clothes were ugly lol and it was hard to see past htat for a while. I'm so vain, maybe that's why I think most guys are losers. I admit it's unhealthy to view majority of the males as losers, but they just seem feeble, irresponsible, dumb and bad with money. I hate that. They're boys not men to me |
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 3, 2018 13:12:25 GMT
The thread got derailed from whether it's possible for an AP to move to the DA/FA side of the spectrum. In case you're wondering about the AP-AP relationship. I was in one, I quickly became avoidant. Another reason why I wonder how possible is it to flip sides.. Agreed, and largely my fault. I had commented earlier that as an AP I am struggling to not be avoidant with the extremely AP man I am kinda seeing so I forgot to state how I thought that tangent was relevant. But I also said I don't think this is an actual change in my attachment style so much as we each can have different attachments to different people. That's a very good point. I had the same with my ex. I was a biiiiiitch lol. He ended up stalking me for 4 years, he even once resorted to getting me smashed to be intimate with me. Last time I checked you can't give consent that way ;p faggot haha |
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 3, 2018 13:14:46 GMT
mmmmmmm, i actually feel the same if i'm pursued by someone i'm not interested in or someone i've not immediately felt attracted to. I will feel like they want something from me or that they're not good enough for me or there's something wrong with them to be SO interested in me. it's ok if they are very slightly interested and get to know me first, but if they are just straight up interested when i am not feeling the same, i get weirded out. I don't mind being pursued, but i'm often quite suspicious of being pursued by people i'm not interested in. it's a little like they "connected" with me but i didn't "connect" with them even if we could converse etc (probably because I wasn't connecting with them on a particularly deep level and i was putting on a particular version of me). I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think (and it’s really sad and shows how much that early family stuff messes with you), but I think that my biological mother leaving when we were very small (and me constantly trying to get her to love me forever after that) and the relationship with my father and stepmother (chaotic, abusive stepmother and avoidant father who turned the other cheek) just set me up to feel like chasing after someone hard is what you’re supposed to do when you love someone. The only times anyone has turned it around and pursued me, I have thought either “what’s wrong with them... why do they like me?” Or I’ve felt suffocated... and needed to distance. I’ve never stayed in any relationship where the other person pursued me hard. My longest relationship started as a friendship. I knew he wanted me, but he was able to give me space as I dated other people (who ignored me) and he was such a constant, secure presence in my life... it just worked. Wow... That's so sad. I'm so sorry you went through this  if there is anything I can do let me know. I can relate though, when people chase you too hard it's overbearing, when they don't give you any attention you become the overbearing one |
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Post by cricket on Mar 4, 2018 0:40:29 GMT
"Losers" lol why do you see them that way? The more I dug into my core beliefs about relationships and men in general , I found that I have a very negative outlook on both yet I want a happy relationship. My want is in complete opposite to my beliefs about them. So I am working on changing those beliefs and not thinking or assuming that all men or liars or jerks or "losers" haha. It's challenging but interesting. When I first got w my Avoidant I didn't even like him or think he was very cute then he activated my attachment style and all of a sudden he was God's gift. Haha SAME!!! First with my DA i thought "he's ok" and thought about dating other people. Then he activated me and BAM I'll marry him, have a family and blablabalbalabalbla. I was even surprised when my friend said "oh he's cute, good job". I didn't think much of him, but he was lovely, cannot deny that. I just thought his clothes were ugly lol and it was hard to see past htat for a while. I'm so vain, maybe that's why I think most guys are losers. I admit it's unhealthy to view majority of the males as losers, but they just seem feeble, irresponsible, dumb and bad with money. I hate that. They're boys not men to me That's so interesting. I use the word shallow. I have totally been turned off by surface stuff too like clothes or shoes or he told a bad joke. Haha I've talked about it w my counselor and we think its possibly a way I keep relationships away. Im working on not being so shallow when it comes to dating. It's definitely not doing any good having those neg beliefs about guys. I'm realizing how I think about guys is what I end up attracting or liking. It's not true tho.its just generalizing which isn't helpful. Not all guys are liars or not respectful of my feelings, it's just the ones I end up choosing that are. So maybe it's the same for u. So maybe if I change my inner dialogue about guys to a more positive one then I'll meet a better type of guy. |
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if there is anything I can do let me know. I can relate though, when people chase you too hard it's overbearing, when they don't give you any attention you become the overbearing one