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Post by ocarina on Feb 9, 2018 21:40:43 GMT
After years of gradually increasing self awareness - meditation and some therapy, I can recognise when I check out and I am infinitely more emotionally attuned. Despite the awareness however, I still find it difficult to maintain a state of presence. Even though the experience of zoning out is not very pleasant, I still find myself sinking into it more often than I would like and I would love to break this cycle.
I started a new and pressured job six months ago, just after my relationship imploded and I moved house. The job is fabulous - well paid, challenging and my skills are really appreciated. I come home at the end of the day to a house full of children and job number two - feeding them, cleaning and all the rest. I am often tired - physically and mentally and my coping mechanism is complete numbing - I will sometimes eat mindlessly, surf the net - or just generally turn into a zombie whilst the jobs don't get done, I am not present for my children, I am really just existing rather than living and whilst it's kind of peaceful, it also feels unpleasant - like being stuck in the mud and leaves a nasty aftertaste.
I am not in a relationship but I do feel confident that when this happens I will be more capable of emotional openness that I have been in the past, but day to day, when tiredness or hunger hits - I head straight into the zone of not being there. I know from many years of learning that this solves nothing but seem unable to break the cycle. Does anyone have any advice please!? |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 9, 2018 23:40:21 GMT
I also do this!!! It's usually when I'm not happy. I just don't out. I call it "frozen".
For me just exercise and eating well helps. In think it's a dissociative state
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 0:04:25 GMT
Congrats on the new job! It sounds really great. I know it's tough working, raising children and keeping house all on your own. It's my life too. Cut yourself some slack. It seems nowadays, they want women to do it all. I don't have the zone out, but I procrastinate chores like it's my job lol. The most important is just being there for your kids. I keep a schedule, which includes dedicated kid time. The same time every day during the week, a half hour of whatever they want to do. When my daughter got older and she was busy, busy , busy with her friends and activities, we would have brunch out once a week. You and the kids will get used to the schedule and it becomes automatic. I like to compartmentalize, so I like having dedicated times to get things done. I know at 7:00, I'm doing dishes, but at 8:00, it's kid time, zone out at 9:30  |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 10, 2018 14:17:30 GMT
Thank you both - I think you're right about it being a dissociative state Yasmin. I can access it by choice but get stuck at times - almost feels like disappearing as a kind of escapism when everything feels too much.
Mary thank you - the job is really good - just difficult to cope with full on work, motherhood and finding some time for myself too - it doesn't make it easier that I have alot of children - spanning the range of single figures up to the grand old age of 21 so their needs are pretty varied. The younger ones sap my energy and take alot of input whilst the older ones need some kind of gentle presence. I think it's good to remind myself not to expect things to be perfect!
I found the words below on Leo Babauta's excellent blog Zen Habits - quite fancy the idea of Urge Surfing (normally I am into actual surfing but I broke my arm a week or two back which is cramping my style somewhat!). I am sure this is a technique that would be useful in relationships too - once you recognise less than helpful habitual behavioural patterns. :
Urge Surfing
A mindfulness technique that has proven effective for dealing with addictions is called “urge surfing,” a widely-used technique developed by psychologist and addictions-pioneer Alan Marlatt.
It’s something I used successfully when I quit smoking cigarettes more than a decade ago, and I’ve used it many times since then for other types of urges.
Here’s how I practice it:
Notice when you have an urge. Pause instead of acting on it, and just sit with it mindfully.
Notice where the physical sensation of the urge is located in your body. Is it in your stomach? Chest? Mouth? Focus on that area of your body and try to mindfully notice the sensations you feel.
Allow them to rise and peak, and then crest and subside, like a wave. Just watch them, as if you’re watching a wave. It’s not anything to panic about, it’s just a sensation rising and falling.
You can do this for a minute or two, or even longer. After the urge subsides, it might come back, and you can repeat this. You can also move on to other areas of your body where you notice urge-related sensations.
Why this works: We interrupt the part of our brain that just acts immediately on urges, and shift to a new part of our brain. This pattern interruption is crucial to dealing with urges. We also learn that the urge isn’t anything urgent, isn’t a command, but rather just an interesting sensation that we can distance ourselves from
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 16, 2018 0:46:23 GMT
This could also be about "introversion"-- you needing space to yourself more than you are getting because of being a working parent who is mostly either at work or parenting. Are there ways you could get more time to yourself to do something that isn't the numbing web-surfing, etc? Do you have a partner you could arrange with to each get a certain amount of time each day to go off by yourself? Take a walk on your lunchbreak at work? Hire a babysitter once a week?
If you can find ways to get some of that quality alone time, maybe you'd feel less of a need to zone out when you are with your family.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 20, 2018 15:33:59 GMT
This could also be about "introversion"-- you needing space to yourself more than you are getting because of being a working parent who is mostly either at work or parenting. Are there ways you could get more time to yourself to do something that isn't the numbing web-surfing, etc? Do you have a partner you could arrange with to each get a certain amount of time each day to go off by yourself? Take a walk on your lunchbreak at work? Hire a babysitter once a week? If you can find ways to get some of that quality alone time, maybe you'd feel less of a need to zone out when you are with your family. Yes to the introversion - I am a loner by nature and working with lots of people then coming home to lots of children puts a proper strain on the system. I bring much of this on myself - something of a perfectionist, exercise alot, work excessively and take on more and more - together with being a single parent and taking on all the household stuff - and two children on the autistic spectrum - yikes feel exhausted even thinking about it. I find it difficult to take a break - something guilty about just sitting down and work is often so full on that lunch breaks just don't happen. I know some of this is boundary issues and needs a good thinking about - for now am feeling tired, working from home - and guess what - I am going to lie down for ten minutes! Go me!!!! |
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