Post by tryingtomakesense on Jul 3, 2016 23:01:24 GMT
Hi all -
Firstly, I just want to say that I'm so thankful for this website as I've learned so much about myself and how I act in relationships that will only serve me as I move forward in this relationship or the next.
Secondly, I am hoping to get perspective from someone versed in attachment theory on my current situation (apologies for the long post). My boyfriend (37) and I (33) were together for almost 1 year, and he's honestly one of the nicest people I've ever been with - extremely kind, caring, considerate, generous. He's also very smart, has a great job, financially stable, close with his family, and has a circle of friends. Throughout the whole relationship, we would text regularly, meet up at least 3 times a week, spend weekends together, go on trips, and I even met his whole family, and he met mine. All the signs that point to someone who is Secure, which is why I never felt the need to discuss our relationship with him. I assumed we were in a serious, committed relationship, and I myself also felt secure in it until recently.
One of the things I did feel was missing was a level of emotional connection, and we never talked about how we felt about each other. We never shared our feelings about the relationship or each other and a few months ago it started bothering me. Often times when I'm hugging him, or we're laying in bed together trying to share an intimate moment, I feel like he's not present. He's physically there, but not emotionally. Also, when we have sex, I never feel like it's intimate. I know it won't always be intimate, but in previous relationships we would have some nights where I felt like we were "making love". It never felt that way with him. A month ago, I started eventually sharing my feelings - I said "I love you" because i felt it, and he essentially froze, possibly because he wasn't expecting it. He said wants to be able to say it, but hasn't mentally been able to take it to the next step. At first I thought he meant he didn't see a future for us, but he said that's not it, so I figured he just wasn't ready to say it and I was ok with that. That's always the risk of saying those 3 words first.
A few weeks later, I told him he makes me really happy. He didn't say anything back, but gave me a kiss, which made me a little upset inside because I was hoping to hear it in return. Regardless, we then started talking about our relationship, what we want in life, etc. I told him I would like to get married and have kids one day, and he basically avoided responding. At this point I started to get more upset because if after almost 1 year we aren't both thinking about possibly marrying each other, then we're wasting each other's time. Ultimately, we ended the discussion with him saying he's happy with me, wants to be with me, thinks that we're maybe getting married one day, but puts pressure on himself to know the answer to that. I said he shouldn't put pressure on himself, because i'm not, but he says he does because of his age.
Then last week, he asks me how he thinks our relationship is going. I was completely caught off guard, and said he makes me really happy, I have a lot of fun with him, he's so nice, etc. I had noticed that he's been a little distant lately, but whenever i asked what's wrong, he said it was work related. He then says the last few months he's been really thinking about us and whether we're right for each other and he's not sure. He said he's jealous of his friends who are married because they know they've found the right one. And also said he wants to get married one day, but now feels like maybe it will never happen. He ultimately said he feels like there's something missing, but when pressed to say what it is, he couldn't explain it. Just says he wants more from a relationship and it's not here.
I agree I want more too - I want an emotional connection but it's been so hard to create one because I feel like he's walled off, and he never really even tried sharing his true feelings about himself. He would often share his thoughts about his family (they're going through a tough time and that has been affecting him), his work, his friends etc. But never really anything about his true self. The last two months he's definitely been more physically affectionate - hugs, he always reaches for my hand to hold it, kisses, sex (though not intimate sex). So I'm just really confused. Were those physical actions his attempt to reach emotional connection? I'm not sure. But he's since decided that we should break up because he thinks we're not right for each other. I'm having a really hard time understanding everything, because I feel like emotional connection is something that we can work on together, and then we will have everything that we both want.
I guess what I'm asking is - is he a fearful avoidant or is he just not interested? I want to think it's the former, and that this is something we can work on together, because I do feel like we are so compatible in many other ways. I just am not sure what to think because everything else he's done is not in line with fearful avoidant signs (physical contact, makes plans to see me, kind, caring). I will say that even though he has a group of friends, he doesn't share anything personal with them. So maybe that's a sign? He also said that he's said I love you to two previous girlfriends but that was a long time ago. The most recent one was 5 years ago and it was long distance, so I'm not even sure if those relationships were that intimate.
Would just love anyone's POV on this, and whether or not I should try to reconcile. I was thinking of bringing up attachment theory when i see him next so we can discuss it as a possible reason for our relationship problems and see if he's open to trying again...
Firstly, I just want to say that I'm so thankful for this website as I've learned so much about myself and how I act in relationships that will only serve me as I move forward in this relationship or the next.
Secondly, I am hoping to get perspective from someone versed in attachment theory on my current situation (apologies for the long post). My boyfriend (37) and I (33) were together for almost 1 year, and he's honestly one of the nicest people I've ever been with - extremely kind, caring, considerate, generous. He's also very smart, has a great job, financially stable, close with his family, and has a circle of friends. Throughout the whole relationship, we would text regularly, meet up at least 3 times a week, spend weekends together, go on trips, and I even met his whole family, and he met mine. All the signs that point to someone who is Secure, which is why I never felt the need to discuss our relationship with him. I assumed we were in a serious, committed relationship, and I myself also felt secure in it until recently.
One of the things I did feel was missing was a level of emotional connection, and we never talked about how we felt about each other. We never shared our feelings about the relationship or each other and a few months ago it started bothering me. Often times when I'm hugging him, or we're laying in bed together trying to share an intimate moment, I feel like he's not present. He's physically there, but not emotionally. Also, when we have sex, I never feel like it's intimate. I know it won't always be intimate, but in previous relationships we would have some nights where I felt like we were "making love". It never felt that way with him. A month ago, I started eventually sharing my feelings - I said "I love you" because i felt it, and he essentially froze, possibly because he wasn't expecting it. He said wants to be able to say it, but hasn't mentally been able to take it to the next step. At first I thought he meant he didn't see a future for us, but he said that's not it, so I figured he just wasn't ready to say it and I was ok with that. That's always the risk of saying those 3 words first.
A few weeks later, I told him he makes me really happy. He didn't say anything back, but gave me a kiss, which made me a little upset inside because I was hoping to hear it in return. Regardless, we then started talking about our relationship, what we want in life, etc. I told him I would like to get married and have kids one day, and he basically avoided responding. At this point I started to get more upset because if after almost 1 year we aren't both thinking about possibly marrying each other, then we're wasting each other's time. Ultimately, we ended the discussion with him saying he's happy with me, wants to be with me, thinks that we're maybe getting married one day, but puts pressure on himself to know the answer to that. I said he shouldn't put pressure on himself, because i'm not, but he says he does because of his age.
Then last week, he asks me how he thinks our relationship is going. I was completely caught off guard, and said he makes me really happy, I have a lot of fun with him, he's so nice, etc. I had noticed that he's been a little distant lately, but whenever i asked what's wrong, he said it was work related. He then says the last few months he's been really thinking about us and whether we're right for each other and he's not sure. He said he's jealous of his friends who are married because they know they've found the right one. And also said he wants to get married one day, but now feels like maybe it will never happen. He ultimately said he feels like there's something missing, but when pressed to say what it is, he couldn't explain it. Just says he wants more from a relationship and it's not here.
I agree I want more too - I want an emotional connection but it's been so hard to create one because I feel like he's walled off, and he never really even tried sharing his true feelings about himself. He would often share his thoughts about his family (they're going through a tough time and that has been affecting him), his work, his friends etc. But never really anything about his true self. The last two months he's definitely been more physically affectionate - hugs, he always reaches for my hand to hold it, kisses, sex (though not intimate sex). So I'm just really confused. Were those physical actions his attempt to reach emotional connection? I'm not sure. But he's since decided that we should break up because he thinks we're not right for each other. I'm having a really hard time understanding everything, because I feel like emotional connection is something that we can work on together, and then we will have everything that we both want.
I guess what I'm asking is - is he a fearful avoidant or is he just not interested? I want to think it's the former, and that this is something we can work on together, because I do feel like we are so compatible in many other ways. I just am not sure what to think because everything else he's done is not in line with fearful avoidant signs (physical contact, makes plans to see me, kind, caring). I will say that even though he has a group of friends, he doesn't share anything personal with them. So maybe that's a sign? He also said that he's said I love you to two previous girlfriends but that was a long time ago. The most recent one was 5 years ago and it was long distance, so I'm not even sure if those relationships were that intimate.
Would just love anyone's POV on this, and whether or not I should try to reconcile. I was thinking of bringing up attachment theory when i see him next so we can discuss it as a possible reason for our relationship problems and see if he's open to trying again...
