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Post by goldilocks on Feb 12, 2018 12:08:46 GMT
I actually found this site by looking for resources for avoidants who like to work on themselves.
There is so little material out there, most of it being for people who have had relationships with avoidants.
Even the title of Jeb's book is from this perspective. (I hope the content is not, but I am still waiting for the book to arrive.)
Most of the time, we are only mentioned and described from an outside perspective and as unwilling an unable to change.
Perhaps by therapists who have mostly seen the DA being dragged into therapy by an AP partner and would rather get out of the relationship than invest in that particular relationship.
If that is most of what you see of us, I really do understand that we are seen as hard to change and hopeless :-(
But what if it is the particular relationship that is near hopeless? What if it is understandable for the DA not to be willing to invest in that relationship? What if the reason the therapy did not work is that it was seen as an investment in an unwanted relationship?
What if research was done specifically about single avoidants who sought out therapy of their own accord and with the goal of improving themselves and gaining greater capacity for depth in relationships?
I know this is not the average client for a therapist, but with 1billion+ avoidants out there, there must be 50 of such people to generalize a pattern from.
It would be nice if there were websites that said:
Avoidants who seek help tend to benefit from x, y and z.
Some have actually become secure and it can be done. (I know I have so it can be done)
Here is how much more alive and happy we feel when we become more secure.
Here is how to find a therapist in your area that has succesfully worked with avoidants.
Because as long as our situation is described as hopeless, only the most relentlessly dedicated ones will pursue change.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 13:15:41 GMT
goldilocks, i think it’s a MARKETING bias.
DA’s aren’t obsessed about relationships and are less likely to purchase a book to read about their partner or ex partner lol!
because the key layman market for resources would be AP, i think there is a heavy slant against avoidants because of the tendency of the AP to feel victimized by an avoidant and not see that they are equally responsible for the relationship.
Also, many resources are written from the AP perspective.Jeb says he was AP. now secure.
Nay Lue of Baggage Reclaim, was The Other Wonan SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMANS HUSBAND and extremely AP but her blog villanizes Mr. Unavailable as someone who lacks empathy!!! boggles the mind
She was the Other Woman but the slant is she is just looking for love and her married man was an assclown. lol!!
sTill, I have recommended her work because she goes deeply into healing the self. she just had to blame someone else a lot to get some attention and to get her target audience to listen i think.
]
Anyway, this forum has also evolved.
it was not sectioned out for support for DA until a post called “Hold on a second” by yours truly.
I was disgusted by the slant here. Go read the thread if you are interested.
I think there is a lot of ignorance and a good market for books that appeal to AP’s.
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Post by mrob on Feb 12, 2018 13:29:33 GMT
If you want hope as an avoidant, don’t read the book. Now I think about it, I read the book at about the time I attempted suicide. Geez, if I’d remembered that, I doubt if I’d come to this Forum!
What the book gave me was awareness. I did want to know how the hell I’d gone so wrong. I also had to repeat it in a subsequent relationship to hammer it home. Without awareness, there’s no chance of change. This stuff, when activated, is ugly, and I needed the perspective of someone else to see its ugliness and affects.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 13:31:55 GMT
I elaborated on my perspective about the need for DA’s to be able to post here without being used as a resource for information by AP’s who want to analyze the behavior of their partners, in the Secure section under a thread about the anxious avoidant trap.
previously, it was difficult for a DA to try to work on themselves here because we felt like lab rants, here to satisfy the curiosity of AP’s.
it’s better with this forum where we can expect AP’s to stand back and let us heal amongst ourselves.
if it gets intruded upon by questioning AP’s again as a pattern that requires addressing continuously i am out of here and will start a new forum. it’s free and easy.
someone will say something bad about me somewhere for that statement. lol.
but i am here to work on my own issues, and why would i settle for what doesn’t meet my needs?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 13:37:15 GMT
If you want hope as an avoidant, don’t read the book. Now I think about it, I read the book at about the time I attempted suicide. Geez, if I’d remembered that, I doubt if I’d come to this Forum! What the book gave me was awareness. I did want to know how the hell I’d gone so wrong. I also had to repeat it in a subsequent relationship to hammer it home. Without awareness, there’s no chance of change. This stuff, when activated, is ugly, and I needed the perspective of someone else to see its ugliness and affects. it was terrible to come here hurting and knowing i am a good person and see all the threads about how avpidants don’t have empathy, we were grouped with narcs continually, spoken of like we are predatory animals, always victimizing people who just want to love us. some aware AP’s would defend or have a balanced perspective, but the DA forum was for picking apart DA behavior from the AP perspective and it was so ignorant!!! anyway, i am glad this space now exists. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 14:14:04 GMT
Yes, I have seen the same. Most of the literature is written from the AP perspective. I am very glad this forum exists and that there are other avoidants here to talk with. It has helped me tremendously. tgat has a point about marketing. APs are searching for info about avoidants. Their focus is what's wrong with my partner. From what I see here, avoidants are searching for answers about themselves and ways to grow. I did find this though the other day and thought it was interesting: greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style#gsc.tab=0 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 14:47:27 GMT
Yes, I have seen the same. Most of the literature is written from the AP perspective. I am very glad this forum exists and that there are other avoidants here to talk with. It has helped me tremendously. tgat has a point about marketing. APs are searching for info about avoidants. Their focus is what's wrong with my partner. From what I see here, avoidants are searching for answers about themselves and ways to grow. I did find this though the other day and thought it was interesting: greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style#gsc.tab=0for my own recovery, of course, it doesn’t eeally matter to me what anyone else is doing on the forum as long as i have my own place to work out my own healing. ultimately, anyone focusing on another person in an attempt to feel better or be better is going to get what they paid for , they will suffer in that until they botrom out, sometimes devastatingly, and take responsibility for the relationships they co create. we have created a good space for us here and if t something changes we can do it somewhere else. that’s one thing i love about being a DA , inner resourcefulness. i appreciate my fellow avoidants and your ability to show up and support , and i also appreciate all the wonderful AP’s here who have been so compassionate and caring and supportive as well. they have been an anchor for me when i was grieving and that is priceless. i was alone without them! the whole forum seems to be doing a lot of good for both sides and i am happy to be able to participate and show my support because we are all humans who hurt and who love and who want to do better than we have in the past. it’s a beautiful thing. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 12, 2018 15:53:01 GMT
Yes, I have seen the same. Most of the literature is written from the AP perspective. I am very glad this forum exists and that there are other avoidants here to talk with. It has helped me tremendously. tgat has a point about marketing. APs are searching for info about avoidants. Their focus is what's wrong with my partner. From what I see here, avoidants are searching for answers about themselves and ways to grow. I did find this though the other day and thought it was interesting: greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style#gsc.tab=0Thank you! that sounds really interesting and do-able! |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 12, 2018 16:08:03 GMT
goldilocks, i think it’s a MARKETING bias. DA’s aren’t obsessed about relationships and are less likely to purchase a book to read about their partner or ex partner lol! Anyway, this forum has also evolved. it was not sectioned out for support for DA until a post called “Hold on a second” by yours truly. I was disgusted by the slant here. Go read the thread if you are interested. I think there is a lot of ignorance and a good market for books that appeal to AP’s. I found the post and what I notice is that, if you are familiar with the drama triangle, a lot of people identify with the victim and seek to place an avoidant in the villain role or identify with the rescuer role and seek to place an avoidant in the victim role. www.clevelandconsultinggroup.com/articles/images/drama-triangle-3.jpgwww.positively-mindful.com/uploads/4/9/3/8/49382223/1458671708.pngHealing begins when we get out of this triangle and empower ourselves by taking responsibility for our own behaviour, taking on the creator role. We can understand the roots of our own patterns, get away from the damage that has created our wounds, clean out the wounds, feel and heal the pain and then learn better healthier patterns. This is something we can 100% do for ourselves without having to involve a partner. We can ask for help and let a therapist or friend in as a coach. We can seek out or allow challengers to show us where we get triggered and need further healing. But we remain in the driver seat as responsible adults. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 16:16:51 GMT
goldilocks, i think it’s a MARKETING bias. DA’s aren’t obsessed about relationships and are less likely to purchase a book to read about their partner or ex partner lol! Anyway, this forum has also evolved. it was not sectioned out for support for DA until a post called “Hold on a second” by yours truly. I was disgusted by the slant here. Go read the thread if you are interested. I think there is a lot of ignorance and a good market for books that appeal to AP’s. I found the post and what I notice is that, if you are familiar with the drama triangle, a lot of people identify with the victim and seek to place an avoidant in the villain role or identify with the rescuer role and seek to place an avoidant in the victim role. www.clevelandconsultinggroup.com/articles/images/drama-triangle-3.jpgwww.positively-mindful.com/uploads/4/9/3/8/49382223/1458671708.pngHealing begins when we get out of this triangle and empower ourselves by taking responsibility for our own behaviour, taking on the creator role. We can understand the roots of our own patterns, get away from the damage that has created our wounds, clean out the wounds, feel and heal the pain and then learn better healthier patterns. This is something we can 100% do for ourselves without having to involve a partner. We can ask for help and let a therapist or friend in as a coach. We can seek out or allow challengers to show us where we get triggered and need further healing. But we remain in the driver seat as responsible adults. AMEN! |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 12, 2018 19:14:18 GMT
My ex has asked me what kind of therapy/ counselling etc would be helpful for him and I am at a complete loss as to what to recommend. I have benefited hugely from mindfulness based training and gradual increasing self awareness but don't have the abusive background that he has.
My standard answer (yes it is so avoidant.....) is that this is his journey and something he himself needs to explore - but even so, since he's asked, I would like to help.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 19:27:47 GMT
My ex has asked me what kind of therapy/ counselling etc would be helpful for him and I am at a complete loss as to what to recommend. I have benefited hugely from mindfulness based training and gradual increasing self awareness but don't have the abusive background that he has. My standard answer (yes it is so avoidant.....) is that this is his journey and something he himself needs to explore - but even so, since he's asked, I would like to help. with my severe trauma history and avoidant issues mindfulness based training has been the most helpful to me. It’s a way of life now, and it suits me and my personality extremely well. it is an individual thing. i find that if a person is sincere in their wish to grow, the appropriate venue presents. when the student is ready, the teacher appears, they say. i consistently see that happen. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 12, 2018 19:43:20 GMT
Thank you for that Tgat I am of the same opinion and I absolutely think that it serves all of us to take responsibility for our own lives and own healing. Aomw of our mutual friends think that I am being less than supportive of him - that I am being stubborn. In all honesty I believe I have better boundaries than previously and won't take responsibility for his issues - particularly not at the expense of my own wellbeing. Surely this is sanity not unkindness!?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 19:46:29 GMT
Thank you for that Tgat I am of the same opinion and I absolutely think that it serves all of us to take responsibility for our own lives and own healing. Aomw of our mutual friends think that I am being less than supportive of him - that I am being stubborn. In all honesty I believe I have better boundaries than previously and won't take responsibility for his issues - particularly not at the expense of my own wellbeing. Surely this is sanity not unkindness!? I think it's insanely difficult to find the answer for oneself on this , let alone someone else. I interviewed several therapists before finding one that I thought was a fit. There are so many different things out there that some people find helpful, others don't. I agree, there is no way to suggest a path for someone else. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 19:53:59 GMT
Thank you for that Tgat I am of the same opinion and I absolutely think that it serves all of us to take responsibility for our own lives and own healing. Aomw of our mutual friends think that I am being less than supportive of him - that I am being stubborn. In all honesty I believe I have better boundaries than previously and won't take responsibility for his issues - particularly not at the expense of my own wellbeing. Surely this is sanity not unkindness!? No, it’s not unkind. it’s personal responsibility. if someone asks for help and you don’t have anything to offer or find it is best for you to refrain, it’s not unkind. it’s knowing your limits and staying in your lane. |
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