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Post by sorrynotsara on Feb 16, 2018 21:31:37 GMT
I read the book Attached over the Christmas break and it was like a lightbulb went off! Finally I was aware of why I acted and reacted the way I did in relationships (I'm a AP), and I also finally had a better understanding my partner's behaviours (he was a DA). From that moment on, I felt like I had an 'unfair advantage' in my relationship because I now knew about the attachment theory and I could see it in action.
I started working on expressing my needs (as they came up) using effective communication, instead of my usual protest behaviour of shutting down or being passive aggressive in stating my unhappiness. For a short while things seemed to start going better in my relationship.
Then, a few weeks ago, we got into an argument that really should have been a little thing, but quickly exploded into a huge fight. I ended up storming out and said things like: "You obviously don't want to be in this relationship." and "That's it, I'm done!". He gave me the silent treatment and two days later, I wrote him a kind but honest email saying that it was over; that I couldn’t believe the way he treated me that evening and that thought he was a good person, but that I thought we had different relationship needs and I don't think we work together. He remained silent for a few days longer and then finally wrote back. It was just a very short note where he acknowledged his part in the argument that we had, and he apologized for that. And that's it. There has been no contact from him since. I've written two little notes saying that I'd like to talk and he has ignored them.
The silent treatment is causing my attachment to go through the roof! Logically I know I should just move on and that he's distancing himself because that is what he has to do to feel safe with his own emotions, but I cannot seem to let go. I want to talk. I want to see if we can try to work on things. I only just became aware of my issues (and his too) and we didn't really get a chance to even try to work on them. I want to tell him all the things I have learned about insecure attachment. Being aware of it is a HUGE step forward towards becoming more secure. I want him to have the same information that I do. I know that his reaction to all this is just on auto pilot. He’s unaware of his attachment system and so he’s just reacting the only way he knows how - by distancing.
But how can I tell him about it? Is there any way to get through to a DA, or does he need to become aware of this stuff on his own? Would I be interfering by telling him about insecure attachment? I don’t want to approach it like: these are all the things you did wrong - that’s not my intention at all! I want him to know that we BOTH have insecure attachment and that we just deal with it in opposite ways. But that by being aware of our own issues and each other’s, it could be possible to work towards being more secure and being able to express our needs.
Any advice (especially from other DAs) would be greatly appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 21:44:05 GMT
whew.
this is a tough one.
I’m avoidant.
my inclination before i was aware was NOT TO BOND. so i wouldn’t have responded well to someone trying to bond with me my sharing something like that.
A DA is not motivated to try to overcome barriers to intimacy, and my experience was that i have been most happy, for the most part, being my avoidant self.
i didn’t discover attachment theory until a couple of decades into recovery from severe trauma, etc.
maybe wait a while to see if he becomes receptive to you in any way, and in the meantime work super hard on yourself to provide a healthy distraction?
these situations are difficult and painful, sorry you are experiencing it.
i shared a look into my own avoidant trigger experience, but i can’t say if other avoidants experience it the way i do. i have no idea actually.
the thread is called “To my AP friends.”
it may or may not be what your ex experiences with distancing. i can’t speak for him. but as a rule, when distancing, we are not seeking to reestablish connection or look for answers to the problems our partner is experiencing. we aren’t seeing them the same way.
sad but true for me, before i became aware of my issues around attachment. which happened when i was searching, for myself.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 23:39:04 GMT
I read the book Attached over the Christmas break and it was like a lightbulb went off! Finally I was aware of why I acted and reacted the way I did in relationships (I'm a AP), and I also finally had a better understanding my partner's behaviours (he was a DA). From that moment on, I felt like I had an 'unfair advantage' in my relationship because I now knew about the attachment theory and I could see it in action.
I started working on expressing my needs (as they came up) using effective communication, instead of my usual protest behaviour of shutting down or being passive aggressive in stating my unhappiness. For a short while things seemed to start going better in my relationship.
Then, a few weeks ago, we got into an argument that really should have been a little thing, but quickly exploded into a huge fight. I ended up storming out and said things like: "You obviously don't want to be in this relationship." and "That's it, I'm done!". He gave me the silent treatment and two days later, I wrote him a kind but honest email saying that it was over; that I couldn’t believe the way he treated me that evening and that thought he was a good person, but that I thought we had different relationship needs and I don't think we work together. He remained silent for a few days longer and then finally wrote back. It was just a very short note where he acknowledged his part in the argument that we had, and he apologized for that. And that's it. There has been no contact from him since. I've written two little notes saying that I'd like to talk and he has ignored them.
The silent treatment is causing my attachment to go through the roof! Logically I know I should just move on and that he's distancing himself because that is what he has to do to feel safe with his own emotions, but I cannot seem to let go. I want to talk. I want to see if we can try to work on things. I only just became aware of my issues (and his too) and we didn't really get a chance to even try to work on them. I want to tell him all the things I have learned about insecure attachment. Being aware of it is a HUGE step forward towards becoming more secure. I want him to have the same information that I do. I know that his reaction to all this is just on auto pilot. He’s unaware of his attachment system and so he’s just reacting the only way he knows how - by distancing.
But how can I tell him about it? Is there any way to get through to a DA, or does he need to become aware of this stuff on his own? Would I be interfering by telling him about insecure attachment? I don’t want to approach it like: these are all the things you did wrong - that’s not my intention at all! I want him to know that we BOTH have insecure attachment and that we just deal with it in opposite ways. But that by being aware of our own issues and each other’s, it could be possible to work towards being more secure and being able to express our needs.
Any advice (especially from other DAs) would be greatly appreciated. If he's truly DA and not FA, it's very unlikely you will get anywhere with him now. You broke up with him . You may see his behavior now as distancing, I would see it as detaching. I think you have a better chance of talking to him again if he's FA. Just my opinion. (I am DA). |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 21, 2018 17:42:01 GMT
I read the book Attached over the Christmas break and it was like a lightbulb went off! Finally I was aware of why I acted and reacted the way I did in relationships (I'm a AP), and I also finally had a better understanding my partner's behaviours (he was a DA). From that moment on, I felt like I had an 'unfair advantage' in my relationship because I now knew about the attachment theory and I could see it in action.
I started working on expressing my needs (as they came up) using effective communication, instead of my usual protest behaviour of shutting down or being passive aggressive in stating my unhappiness. For a short while things seemed to start going better in my relationship.
Then, a few weeks ago, we got into an argument that really should have been a little thing, but quickly exploded into a huge fight. I ended up storming out and said things like: "You obviously don't want to be in this relationship." and "That's it, I'm done!". He gave me the silent treatment and two days later, I wrote him a kind but honest email saying that it was over; that I couldn’t believe the way he treated me that evening and that thought he was a good person, but that I thought we had different relationship needs and I don't think we work together. He remained silent for a few days longer and then finally wrote back. It was just a very short note where he acknowledged his part in the argument that we had, and he apologized for that. And that's it. There has been no contact from him since. I've written two little notes saying that I'd like to talk and he has ignored them.
The silent treatment is causing my attachment to go through the roof! Logically I know I should just move on and that he's distancing himself because that is what he has to do to feel safe with his own emotions, but I cannot seem to let go. I want to talk. I want to see if we can try to work on things. I only just became aware of my issues (and his too) and we didn't really get a chance to even try to work on them. I want to tell him all the things I have learned about insecure attachment. Being aware of it is a HUGE step forward towards becoming more secure. I want him to have the same information that I do. I know that his reaction to all this is just on auto pilot. He’s unaware of his attachment system and so he’s just reacting the only way he knows how - by distancing.
But how can I tell him about it? Is there any way to get through to a DA, or does he need to become aware of this stuff on his own? Would I be interfering by telling him about insecure attachment? I don’t want to approach it like: these are all the things you did wrong - that’s not my intention at all! I want him to know that we BOTH have insecure attachment and that we just deal with it in opposite ways. But that by being aware of our own issues and each other’s, it could be possible to work towards being more secure and being able to express our needs.
Any advice (especially from other DAs) would be greatly appreciated. I tried sharing information with my ex DA. It did not go well. She said, "Reading this article on attachment styles proves that we will never work. I am who I am and you are who you are. We will never change and couples counseling will not help". She then asked me to get my belongings and go. So instead of making her aware of her attachment style with hope that it would help, it only solidified her resolve in ending our relationship. I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps save you, or anyone else, from making a mistake. Be careful and weigh out all possibilities before you do anything. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 17:53:56 GMT
I tried sharing information with my ex DA. It did not go well. She said, "Reading this article on attachment styles proves that we will never work. I am who I am and you are who you are. We will never change and couples counseling will not help". She then asked me to get my belongings and go. So instead of making her aware of her attachment style with hope that it would help, it only solidified her resolve in ending our relationship. I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps save you, or anyone else, from making a mistake. Be careful and weigh out all possibilities before you do anything. I don't like a lot of the literature out there. A lot of it is doom and gloom. On the flip side, if the breaking point of the relationship is an article, it's probably the best for you not to be in it. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 23, 2018 17:30:22 GMT
I read the book Attached over the Christmas break and it was like a lightbulb went off! Finally I was aware of why I acted and reacted the way I did in relationships (I'm a AP), and I also finally had a better understanding my partner's behaviours (he was a DA). From that moment on, I felt like I had an 'unfair advantage' in my relationship because I now knew about the attachment theory and I could see it in action.
I started working on expressing my needs (as they came up) using effective communication, instead of my usual protest behaviour of shutting down or being passive aggressive in stating my unhappiness. For a short while things seemed to start going better in my relationship.
Then, a few weeks ago, we got into an argument that really should have been a little thing, but quickly exploded into a huge fight. I ended up storming out and said things like: "You obviously don't want to be in this relationship." and "That's it, I'm done!". He gave me the silent treatment and two days later, I wrote him a kind but honest email saying that it was over; that I couldn’t believe the way he treated me that evening and that thought he was a good person, but that I thought we had different relationship needs and I don't think we work together. He remained silent for a few days longer and then finally wrote back. It was just a very short note where he acknowledged his part in the argument that we had, and he apologized for that. And that's it. There has been no contact from him since. I've written two little notes saying that I'd like to talk and he has ignored them.
The silent treatment is causing my attachment to go through the roof! Logically I know I should just move on and that he's distancing himself because that is what he has to do to feel safe with his own emotions, but I cannot seem to let go. I want to talk. I want to see if we can try to work on things. I only just became aware of my issues (and his too) and we didn't really get a chance to even try to work on them. I want to tell him all the things I have learned about insecure attachment. Being aware of it is a HUGE step forward towards becoming more secure. I want him to have the same information that I do. I know that his reaction to all this is just on auto pilot. He’s unaware of his attachment system and so he’s just reacting the only way he knows how - by distancing.
But how can I tell him about it? Is there any way to get through to a DA, or does he need to become aware of this stuff on his own? Would I be interfering by telling him about insecure attachment? I don’t want to approach it like: these are all the things you did wrong - that’s not my intention at all! I want him to know that we BOTH have insecure attachment and that we just deal with it in opposite ways. But that by being aware of our own issues and each other’s, it could be possible to work towards being more secure and being able to express our needs.
Any advice (especially from other DAs) would be greatly appreciated. So, the relationship is over; you broke up and he apologised and is not contacting you, right? Why would you want him to know he is DA? If it is to restart the relationship in a healthier way, I'd forget about it. I'm pretty healthy and aware, but if any of my exes told me they were AP and I was DA, my first thought would be "Phew, glad I am no longer in the relationship style with the lowest succes rate of all." Then I may look into working on myself and learning how to filter for a secure mate. So I guess if you wish to do him a service and feel no need to be appreciated for it, you could inform him. But that does not seem to be the case. Just start working on yourself; therapy, meditation, better life etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 17:47:28 GMT
This forum is such a great place to gain insight and healing into your own attachment style, and isn't nearly as helpful for those trying to help their ex partners.
it's really kind of eye opening to see how many people come here wanting their partner to change after the relationship has ended. I don't think the results of those kinds of efforts are very satisfying.
at least from what i have seen.
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Post by sorrynotsara on Feb 23, 2018 18:46:38 GMT
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
I have been feeling really uneasy about our relationship ending because I don't feel like we gave it a fair shot. As I mentioned, I only just became aware of attachment styles very recently and my partner doesn't know about them at all, just yet. The book 'Attached' also made it sound like it's nearly impossible for those with DA to make any positive changes, but I'm not sure that is really the case.
I want to try to work with my ex to see if we are able to come to a compromise on things. To work together in a way that both our needs can be better met. I want him to understand my attachment issues and I want him to know about his. With our new understanding, empathy, and compassion for each other, perhaps we can work together to create a new pattern in our relationship. If he knows what triggers me and I know what triggers him, perhaps we can take a different path together.
I understand that it may not work, but I need to give it a try in order to feel like I gave this a real shot. It's relationships like these (the difficult ones) that have the power to transform us. I am an AP, but I also have a lot of secure tendencies. I see a relationship as a team effort and I want to at least TRY to get to a point where both of us feel that it's safe to share our needs with each other.
We are going to chat in person this weekend (Sunday). I'm still not sure how I'm going to bring all this up - That's something I need to work through over the next couple of days. I don't want him to feel attacked or like this is a problem with him. This is an issue of conflicting intimacy needs, but I don't think it's hopeless.
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Post by sorrynotsara on Feb 23, 2018 18:47:29 GMT
I'd love to hear about any resources that DA's found helpful
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 19:48:12 GMT
I'd love to hear about any resources that DA's found helpful only the ones i found myself, because i wanted to heal internal wounds. internet search = lots of misinformation this forum is helpful because of other participating DA's, when it comes to understanding and healing my wounds. i might add i would never in a million years, as a DA, embark on a healing journey while in a relationship with an AP. i would be too focused on my own issues to take care of any needs the AP has. I would have to put my healing and own feelings first. AP/DA relationship is identified as the most toxic and damaging pairing, and i have experienced it. there may be hope for some couples, but for a terminates relationship with brand new awareness on one side and no awareness on the other? i don't presume to know but i am skeptical. thats just my perspective. see how it goes! but as a healing DA i personally can't endorse staying in an AP/DA relationship to heal. i just can't. i would find it detrimental to myself. that's my two cents. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 20:05:54 GMT
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I have been feeling really uneasy about our relationship ending because I don't feel like we gave it a fair shot. As I mentioned, I only just became aware of attachment styles very recently and my partner doesn't know about them at all, just yet. The book 'Attached' also made it sound like it's nearly impossible for those with DA to make any positive changes, but I'm not sure that is really the case. I want to try to work with my ex to see if we are able to come to a compromise on things. To work together in a way that both our needs can be better met. I want him to understand my attachment issues and I want him to know about his. With our new understanding, empathy, and compassion for each other, perhaps we can work together to create a new pattern in our relationship. If he knows what triggers me and I know what triggers him, perhaps we can take a different path together. I understand that it may not work, but I need to give it a try in order to feel like I gave this a real shot. It's relationships like these (the difficult ones) that have the power to transform us. I am an AP, but I also have a lot of secure tendencies. I see a relationship as a team effort and I want to at least TRY to get to a point where both of us feel that it's safe to share our needs with each other. We are going to chat in person this weekend (Sunday). I'm still not sure how I'm going to bring all this up - That's something I need to work through over the next couple of days. I don't want him to feel attacked or like this is a problem with him. This is an issue of conflicting intimacy needs, but I don't think it's hopeless. Look on this forum. It's not impossible for a DA to make positive changes. Even if a relationship isn't forever, there are lessons to be learned and you don't know either if you don't try. Sometimes, you have to try to get your answers. If both parties are willing to work on awareness and willing to forgive the other for mistakes made, it's possible to grow together, in my opinion. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 23, 2018 21:41:48 GMT
i might add i would never in a million years, as a DA, embark on a healing journey while in a relationship with an AP. i would be too focused on my own issues to take care of any needs the AP has. I would have to put my healing and own feelings first. AP/DA relationship is identified as the most toxic and damaging pairing, and i have experienced it. there may be hope for some couples, but for a terminates relationship with brand new awareness on one side and no awareness on the other? i don't presume to know but i am skeptical. thats just my perspective. see how it goes! but as a healing DA i personally can't endorse staying in an AP/DA relationship to heal. i just can't. i would find it detrimental to myself. that's my two cents. As a metaphor, imagine a healing DA as a person returning to the workforce after a burnout. Imagine an AP as an 80 hour a week gig at an investment bank. Are either of those parties evil? No. Would a match between them be emotionally abusive? Likely. Even being mostly healed for YEARS, I would think twice about that kind of union. Even if the guy was fully aware of AP tendencies, could communicate his needs, could remain calm in a conflict, he would still have a greater need for closeness than the average guy. Unless he was bringing some seriously great qualities to the table, why would I sign up for that knowing I need a lot of time alone? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 21:53:21 GMT
i might add i would never in a million years, as a DA, embark on a healing journey while in a relationship with an AP. i would be too focused on my own issues to take care of any needs the AP has. I would have to put my healing and own feelings first. AP/DA relationship is identified as the most toxic and damaging pairing, and i have experienced it. there may be hope for some couples, but for a terminates relationship with brand new awareness on one side and no awareness on the other? i don't presume to know but i am skeptical. thats just my perspective. see how it goes! but as a healing DA i personally can't endorse staying in an AP/DA relationship to heal. i just can't. i would find it detrimental to myself. that's my two cents. As a metaphor, imagine a healing DA as a person returning to the workforce after a burnout. Imagine an AP as an 80 hour a week gig at an investment bank. Are either of those parties evil? No. Would a match between them be emotionally abusive? Likely. Even being mostly healed for YEARS, I would think twice about that kind of union. Even if the guy was fully aware of AP tendencies, could communicate his needs, could remain calm in a conflict, he would still have a greater need for closeness than the average guy. Unless he was bringing some seriously great qualities to the table, why would I sign up for that knowing I need a lot of time alone?Because if you have a good fit, you may need less alone time, Because some people do have great qualities, Because people are more than their attachment style, because some people are already in it and want to work on it rather than walk away just because of attachment style, because love can sometimes overcome obstacles, because some people are optimists, because they don't always fail. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 23, 2018 22:11:46 GMT
That's a point to consider, Mary. Maybe I do need to have more hope and trust in people.
Would you commit to a guy knowing he is AP? How would you manage?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 22:16:06 GMT
That's a point to consider, Mary. Maybe I do need to have more hope and trust in people. Would you commit to a guy knowing he is AP? How would you manage? It really depends on the person. I believe my ex is AP and we are working on getting back together now. We have decided to forgive the past and we will work together (therapy and both being more aware). |
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