Re-reading Attached ... AP's can also deactivate

kristyrose i love this.
yes, it doesn't need to be like he wants it to be!
we can have attachment issues and confront them.
he isn't there but you are.
it does take courage, and you have it.
he doesn't, and that's NOT HOT.

you're hot. he's not. 😁

i get this.  i do!
i give credit to my ex for what he was working on, but there was an inherent resistance to change that did us in.
i am so glad i made the choice to not settle.  i know my trajectory was to go further, heal more, and make some big changes.  

i know he hurts,  i feel that, it makes me sad.

but i too have resentment that he couldn't just grab his b@lls and just do it.  i could, why couldn't he?

acceptance, forgiveness, makes my peace more possible. 

i have to let go, as i go, also.  

but every day is a fresh new day for me and i am making so much headway, it energizes me.

very glad we are all here. 

@mary and @tgat you both give me strength. Sending you both such a big hug!!!

Yes, Kristyrose . I think its good to take a step back and look at the relationship objectivelly.
I think there is a thin line for us between being supportive and understanding ... and being taken for granted. I keep asking my DA to try. Thats all. Least when I see he tries, that means a lot to me. But I can also feel myself distance myself further and further with the more he hurts me with his thoughless actions.
I think to finally deactivate the best tool is 'anger' . As it helps to create a barrier between your feelings of love, and to release all the frustration...all the times you have tried in vain...all the shit you sucked up.
I dont know, but it works for me. Sometimes when I am down I make myself angry through thoughts and aggressive music. I can control the anger better than the depressive thoughts and endless crying... and then when the anger slowly boils down you find yourself further away and easier to cope.

Hi Lucy,

Yes anger can actually be a useful deactivating strategy. It helps us to stop idolizing our partners and focus more on our own feelings. I struggle to stay mad at my ex, I instead get weepy and down, so when the anger comes, it is like a relief from it all. I so understand. 

The anger helps remind me that I can be fine on my own, actually much better off then waiting for something to change. 

I think if your partner is trying to change, that is miraculous! However, only you know your limits and if its not enough, that is something you may need to truly consider. sending you hugs...

it may be helpful and bring growth and perspective to AP's to understand that "change" in a DA is not for you. It isn't! A DA "changes" through HEALING DEEP AND PAINFUL WOUNDS.

DA's are not here on this planet to be your partner. They are here to live their lives and discover their purpose and who they are and heal trauma from
their past, all the things that a human life is for. We can get into many different philosophies about life and the meaning of it, but what really needs to be understood and respected is that no one is here on this planet to become your ideal partner. If they are in a place of healing that makes them able to join a healthy partnership with you, and you reflect health as well, great. If not, it is very selfish to ask for "change" to meet your needs. In a healthy relationship with two secure individuals, sure, change and growth is part of that. But to wait for "change" in a person who is in survival mode is short sighted and not taking into account the real needs of the person you want "change" from.

of course it goes both ways. of course. but i am addressing the topic of AP's wanting their partner to "change" so they can feel better about themselves and the relationship and stop suffering so much in the relationship, or out of it. It's not about you. it isn't.

The pain i have encountered in my deep healing process to "change" is not about a partner, nor are the answers.

i think it is really really important to share this perspective, as a DA who is HEALING. Not for a dysfunctional partner who needs something from me to validate themselves. FOR ME. In my own time. with my own process. I could never in a million years take on this journey with a dysfunctional partner needing "change" so that they would feel loved by me. Goodness, my pain is deep. I cannot heal someone else's existential angst with the wounds i need to tend to. i would not put that burden on myself. I would leave the relationship and embark on this path alone rather than face it with a partner who needed my "change". I would put ME first. As i should!!

in fact, that is exactly what i have done.

I am saying this to just share a DA perspective of "change". it might actually help you let go also, to realize, this is so much more serious and important than meeting your needs. This is about finding meaning, finding healing, finding hope.

It's not about the AP when a DA "changes" ❤️

It would be nice if two people can heal and grow together but we are talking about two ends of a spectrum of deep, deep pain. we need to remember that, and live and let live, and LET GO.

Hey T!

I totally hear you. I think that if my ex were working on himself, I would be so happy for him as a person- I would not expect it to be for me, not sure about Lucy's stance, but the work I have been doing is for no one else, so I would hope the same for him.

If he chose this route, it would give me hope that we could grow together, and I would be willing to give him space and wait it out for a time. I think if he sought help and tried while we were together, I would act in the same way. Happy he is doing it for himself and happy to see and/or feel some of the results of the work in progress.