Questions for the DA/FA

General Questions
- How aware are you usually that you have trouble with intimacy? (or what was the defining moment which made you aware?)
- Do you let your family and close friends know that you struggle with closeness?
- Do you mainly maintain superficial relationships/friendships with people or are there certain individuals you are open to?
- Do you allow yourself to be close in relationships where there is no romantic involvement? (eg. a straight DA/FA male being friends with another straight male, being close to someone married or otherwise emotionally uninvested beyond friendship. etc.)
- How do you handle your feelings of loneliness/fear of ending up alone, if any?
- Do thoughts of self harm and/or suicide enter your mind?
- What are ways you find to cope with avoidant attachment? (eg. in relation to sex, intimacy, relationships, socializing)

Relationship Questions
- Do you inform potential partners of your intimacy difficulties beforehand?
- Do you consciously seek out relationships knowing you will probably hurt the other person?
- How do you feel towards your partner in the avoidance phase? (eg. contempt, annoyed, fear)
- What does intimacy look like to you?
- Is some part of the avoidance phase an attempt to 'save' the other person and yourself from hurt?
- Do you ever try to reconcile or apologize once things cool off for you?
- When in a relationship, do you get the urge to find another partner?
- In relationships, how do you handle situational issues that may arise beyond those relating to intimacy?
- If there are children involved, what is your view on having kids, considering there is an avoidance for being dependent upon?
- Would you say you are dependable in a relationship?


I can't really ask all this of others without sharing details about myself, so here goes.
First off, I would have to say I identify as a secure type. Going through these forums made me realize, while there is a strong definite grounding basis to this attachment theory, not necessarily every situation can be attributed to it. Without both sides of a story it is possible to hear a glossed out version of the truth purely relevant to a single party; therefore although i agree with the theory, i remain skeptical towards my own situation.

I don't want to label this woman as avoidant, as i am not qualified (I am a doctor, just not a psychologist) but a lot of the description does fit.
It was confusing and to be honest, i had almost entirely resigned myself into thinking that she was the absolute ONE for me until a certain point. We are childhood friends, our families are really close, we seemed to have parallel life experiences and we gel with each other intellectually, it helps that she is beautiful too! There was nothing not to like about her. There still isn't.

When i came back to the same country as her after practicing in another country, we got close real quick, in fact she was always the one to seek me out and would always hint at me to take her out. She started opening up to me on her own, telling me about her past trauma and her current family/friend problems which surprised me and her mom as well. Her mom had once told me a secret of hers and told me to keep it to myself as she would probably be upset if i knew, only to see her tell me herself while in her presence, I think she was genuinely shocked. Things however unfolded really quickly as even though she would say and act normal around me in person (pull behavior)(though i noticed red flag behavior too) she started to become really cold and distant, and finally cut me off entirely without any reason(push behavior). It was highly odd considering we were on a 'high' in terms of forming intimacy with absolutely no fights or negative experiences. (I think the fact that i am already close to her family also puts pressure/triggers her, but i have no control over that)

Massive inner emotional turmoil ensued, it destabilized me enough to seek a shrink while i was hurting through that shock and hurt. I didn't contact her the entire time but i would say my behavior swung massively in the anxious department. While i could see with clarity that something was not right, the people around me didn't and it made me doubt myself (which is rare), it took a shrink to reassure me that i was still somehow dealing in a mature way and that what i was feeling was valid, even though i felt something broke in me.
It took me months to push aside my hurt and come up with a letter to send that was only focused on the positives i saw of our relationship and that i recognized some turmoil that is happening within her and wish her the strength to face it; She only replied with a one word answer, saying 'what?' and said nothing more. Under normal circumstances, i would entirely ditch this person and thought of this as unrelenting rude/asshole-ish behaviour but knowing her the way i did before and reading into the attachment theory softened me up to be more understanding and patient, so i have never lashed out at her.

I have since read extensively on the matter, even asked some DA/FA friends about their experience, although it was very brief. (one is in a avoidant-anxious relationship but working real hard at understanding her partner, they are married and have a child together; the other suffers from Bi-polar disorder and she basically told me the whole, 'can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved' speech). I realized through their interaction and everything i've read that it really depends on how much insight the avoidant has of their intimacy problem and whether they are willing to put a conscious effort into trying to be more secure. I do also however don't see myself trying to force a change in her, she has to want it and do it for herself.
I know that i don't have the emotional resilience to have an almost detached relationship (as I would need to adjust myself to accommodate) with her so as to avoid triggering her extreme reactions (walking on eggshells). I don't see myself being able to viably carry on like that. As a doctor, i am physically and emotionally exhausted enough from the job that if i had such a stressor at home constantly, i genuinely fear for my own wellbeing.

I don't want to lose her as she is a significant person in my life and i don't want to sever ties. I DO however want to limit us to purely being friends. I'm not sure if communicating that is possible as she just seems to run from anything emotionally charged and i don't know how receptive she might be. I can't expect a face to face conversation and would probably have to do it through text. (I am no longer in the same country as her so hopefully she will feel less threatened)
I have to accept her as she is, but with my own boundaries set so as to avoid her from hurting me, and vice versa.