Questions for the DA/FA

One thing we all love about tgat - she tells it like it is 

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/7642/thread

Hi! and thank you for your warm response. I however will proceed to rip you to shreds. (JK)

My questions were actually a summed up list from the posts that i did read on this thread, and on thinking about why i had to ask them again, i realized i don't really have a reason beyond wanting to get into a deeper discussion; better in one general post as opposed to following a dozen or more. I actually didn't see or notice that this would cause an avoidant much to reel from(I deeply apologise for this), however tgats defensiveness did hint strongly that it did. I anticipated more of an intellectual response rather than an emotional one, seeing as we are all posting anonymously, it didn't register that it might come off as offensive.

While reading your post something came to mind. This is where my lines blur substantially and my skepticism with attachment theory comes to play.
- Does wanting a discussion necessarily mean i'm anxious? Discussion is anticipated in most forums and of course there will be flame posts and there will be helpful ones but the premise remains; new thoughts, new understanding.
- Also, it's normal to feel hurt from a breakup, so of course you will turn into a more anxious person. In psychiatric terms, it would be pathological to seem happy after a breakup, it's called having an appropriate affect. There is a normal period of bereavement and then you move on.
- Considering i haven't participated in a push and pull behavior with my supposed 'avoidant', left the situation till i dealt with my hurt at her odd behavior and am considering extending an olive branch to keep a platonic long standing relationship intact with established boundaries...how does it fit into anxious exactly?
- While you mention that avoidants don't want you to depend on them in a relationship, the average everyday relationship DOES involve some interplay of give and take. Trust, dependency, truth, communication and understanding are needs necessary in order to maintain the average everyday healthy relationship. However, it seems like you need to adopt a new stance of what a relationship will look like. I'm not saying this is inherently wrong as i appreciate the diversity that it brings to the antiquated idea of relationships. This is something i want more understanding into as i have no idea what that relationship would be or look like.

My qualms with attachment theory therefore seem that it might start to encourage a certain defeated attitude by being labeled a certain way. I think and see first hand how complex human beings are and that our individual characteristics and personalities change as we adapt minute to minute, hour to hour, day by day to various stimulus and how we evolve to respond as such to it. The attachment theory surmises that a certain behavioral pattern starts in infancy as an adaptation to caregivers, doesn't that just as evenly mean you can adopt, albeit with conscious effort a new way too should you want it? Does this make sense?

We are only truly innocent and baggage free as children.

I agree! 

drshred most of us have had devastating trauma in childhood and formed insecure attachment styles that have compounded our trauma, and our intention here is to heal not satisfy curiosity.

i invite you to read the threads in the DA support forum, for some insight of you are interested .

try the thread Trauma Bonding (searchable)  if you want to know just a little something about me personally (i'm a person, like to be addressed as one) .
read the threads about our heartache, our trauma, and then read a book to satisfy this casual curiosity of yours, for most of us it has at times been very hard to see hope and we have been devastated.
now, i mean it- 😬- i want to divert my attention to some of my fellow travelers who are needing support.
we do that a lot here.
i hope you can find what you are looking for but i have limited time myself and other intentions in this forum.
i was last strangled by a disordered husband less than five years ago and i am doing great because i keep the focus on my recovery.
best to you!

Girrlll - that was meant as a compliment!!! A good attribute to have.