Questions for the DA/FA

mary: There probably is a growing number of books on the topic however, individual experiences are always varied. The way i currently see, is there seems to be a spectrum in which people have different levels of attachment that they are comfortable with and a lot of who they are, is based on that. I'm not sure if you have come across the thread of certified therapists discussing their frustrations in trying to understand and help their avoidantly attached patients but it brought something to light.
In the health field as a whole, whatever we learn through books is useful, no doubt, but the clinics is a whole other experience and can be tricky. I can take a rare disease from my textbook and name whatever is understood and published about it from its molecular level to it's physical features, however, clinical acumen can only be obtained through actual experience; this is the MAJOR reason why if anyone has a physical or mental dysregulation, they are advised to see a specialist who deals specifically in those areas.
The frustration of those therapists was that, while they knew the knowledge required to spot such behaviors, they had trouble forming rapport and actually progressing. They frequently lost their patients to follow up and failed to grasp an understanding of that individual patient (another frustration, the fact that there is no replicable way of managing the same condition in different people). It's important to have a therapist you trust and are comfortable with but without being open to being vulnerable to them, there are chances a person might just bounce from therapist to therapist with almost no progress made. There are people who passively read through this forum and some of them might actually be therapists seeking clarity. This isn't my sole reason however as you will read in my reply to tgat.

compassionateavoid: Thank you very much for opening up and sharing your personal experience on the matter.
I'm not stating that it is a personality disorder but rather simply that the way it would present actually has a lot of similarities. For eg. As stated earlier, the human psyche is complex and we cycle through different emotions on the regular, but in order for a person to be classified under the broad and frequently overlapping diagnosis of having a personality disorder, it usually needs to be a pervasive way of thinking that affects most areas in their life; frequently, it isn't a person who has a PD that comes seeking counseling, it is mostly their romantic partners, as more at-arms-length acquaintances would just brush that person off and keep distance; there is a genuine lack of insight into self-behavioral patterns as to an extreme, a persons adult ego defense (psych terminology) mechanisms are at overplay in dealing with negative/positive feelings and situations (defenses such as: projection, rationalization, reaction formation, regression, repression, splitting, dissociation...etc.) and a result to this is an almost disconnect. While reading some threads in this forum it actually became apparent that a FEW peoples encounters, actually had a degree of PD's involved too.


tgat: There was a lot of heart in that last post, thank you for reaching out to me like that.
I've read your story in trauma bonding and i deeply sympathize, honestly it amazes me how crass we can be towards each other as human beings at times.

When it comes to discussions i have a no bullshit approach and actually see no feasible use bringing in emotions, it just creates fuel that might get ignited and derail a thought provoking dialogue. This is also ingrained in how we are trained; the numerous conferences, endorsement meetings, seminars and case presentations, it has to be scientific and it has to be of a neutral nature so that you don't form biases.

I don't tend to analyze people, there is no point. I DO analyze myself however on the regular. From what i described to you, there is a lot of emotional blunting that occurs in us and it took a very particular situation to give me that jolt to self-reflect. There are so many moments when you are in a high stress event where you are performing potentially lifesaving CPR on a patient fading away and in the very next 5 mins, go to an examination room to interview another person completely calm as if nothing dramatic has happened shortly prior. My moment, was when i was in the ER and witnessed a baby 2months old pass away and I watched as the parents sobbed uncontrollably into the wrapped bundle that was their baby. I took a sabbatical for a year to indulge in death and come to peace with and to acknowledge the various events i had saved in my mind for later processing. (some great books i read were Randy Pausch - The last Lecture, Paul Kalinithi - When breath becomes air)

"Without both sides of a story it is possible to hear a glossed out version of the truth purely relevant to a single party; therefore although i agree with the theory, i remain skeptical towards my own situation. I don't want to label this woman as avoidant, as i am not qualified (I am a doctor, just not a psychologist) but a lot of the description does fit."

I was largely emotionally unavailable and would often dissuade people by jokingly claiming to be asexual. It's not that i don't desire a relationship, it's that i can't offer another person the kind of attention they might deserve and for the time being, made myself unavailable. I am rarely attracted to people and my past long term relationships have always stemmed from women who could hold an interesting conversation. With this woman, there was already a history we shared and memories of growing up together, I was hugely amazed at the person she grew to be, despite her entire environment trying to show her otherwise. I don't think we actually NEEDED each other, as individually we are both pretty independent. I saw everything she accomplished as something to be celebrated and honestly think she is better than me in a lot of ways, if anything, i could learn from her. I started to see it as a very healthy base for a relationship. (there wouldn't be much clinginess and we could support each others endeavors and even create joined ones (regarding some business ideas we had))

When we were together, all i could see was that she really enjoyed my presence and always wanted to be around me. It was apparent to most of our friends and relatives that we liked each other and were becoming very close. I was vocal with her in trying to be respectful with regards to courting her (as i was aware of her past traumas) and she assured me that she was perfectly fine with it.
It's jarring after hearing something like that, to see and feel someone who was so close to you pull back without warning. I couldn't understand her beyond this, as through text/calls she would ignore/be cold towards me but in person she was still trying to be close and acted like she wasn't being different towards me at all.
It puzzled me that someone would behave such a way, she went from an extremely loving and compassionate person to someone who almost seemed like she was out to villainize me. It didn't make sense to me to hurt a relationship with someone in such a way without even talking to them about it.
This was when i pulled away from the relationship, i needed distance to calm my own emotions. Through this i recognized some manipulative behavior that i had shrugged off or rationalized due to her circumstances but it became apparent she was always trying to have control over everything in some way.

The feelings you mention experiencing is actually what i see in her. There is pain in seeing someone you love hurt themselves chronically without being able to do anything about it.
What i mentioned about wanting to be friends or at least maintaining a superficial friendship, I would still require some understanding of her and without her to actually just tell me what is going on, would probably inadvertently start a toxic cycle. Currently, she hasn't even acknowledged the way she treated me.
If i cannot be a positive influence in her life and vice versa, then it's best we aren't and have our own distance from each other.

There is a deep feeling of loss.
I have cried and mourned the 'death' of this relationship. All i can do is close that door knowing i did whatever i could to save it without ruining my own self in the process.
There is this saying that i love, 'Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge and cross the fuck over.'