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Post by goldilocks on Mar 1, 2018 22:48:29 GMT
A guy was half joking, half serious in asking my to save him, the other day. I feel like his joke was was testing the waters for getting me to let him move in with me. I enjoy my life alone and am not interested in supporting a grown man, even the thought of it makes me sick. I feel trapped by the idea alone and find the thought of an adult wanting to depend on me for no reason, repulsive. If a guy has his own appartment and a job he likes, I don't feel this way. I would not feel this way if a person prefers to be independent but has fallen ill. It is really the concept of dependence for no reason that triggers me this way, the idea that someone is desperate to trap me and may not even really love me but wants to hook me and reel me in.  |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 2, 2018 0:57:16 GMT
This is your boyfriend? What is the dynamic between you like at other times?
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Post by cricket on Mar 2, 2018 3:04:53 GMT
Who is this person to you? I am the exact same way. I don't have roommates and I prefer it that way. People have asked over the years to rent out a room for me but I always decline. I can't imagine ggiving up my space. Maybe for a ling term bf but that's it.
I used to feel selfish for being this way and feel wrong but now I am accepting of myself and there is no right or wring about it. I am simply honoring my feelings.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 2, 2018 9:17:26 GMT
No he's not my boyfriend, just a male friend.
I don't know why he made this "joke". Maybe he was pushing his luck. I guess it felt icky because it was not a "pure" joke.
That said, I was probably feeling more icked about it than average person and he probably did not intend to make me feel the way I felt.
I told him how it made me feel and never to do so again.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 2, 2018 11:36:44 GMT
A guy was half joking, half serious in asking my to save him, the other day. I feel like his joke was was testing the waters for getting me to let him move in with me. I enjoy my life alone and am not interested in supporting a grown man, even the thought of it makes me sick. I feel trapped by the idea alone and find the thought of an adult wanting to depend on me for no reason, repulsive. If a guy has his own appartment and a job he likes, I don't feel this way. I would not feel this way if a person prefers to be independent but has fallen ill. It is really the concept of dependence for no reason that triggers me this way, the idea that someone is desperate to trap me and may not even really love me but wants to hook me and reel me in. Saving someone never works - period and yes that would be a turn off for me too. That having been said, it's interesting to read your interpretation of what he said - that you felt he was testing the waters for getting you to let him move in. I wonder if this is seen through avoidant glasses - ie his flippant comment activated your avoidant side big time and led down the road of the idea making you feel sick, feeling trapped by the idea alone etc. As a fellow avoidant I am not keen on the idea of cohabiting although don't entirely rule it out maybe one day. Having dated someone severely avoidant for a long time I can remember one of my children (7 year old autistic son) saying " X when are you going to marry Mummy" in the context it was really laughable and certainly nothing could have been further from my mind or my wants - but the ex nearly fell over, went pale and completely withdrew. His reaction, his issues, his inner thorns being triggered. He worked his way through this by dealing with the feelings and thought he'd be able to work through future stuff similarly. A fear of engulfment will mean that innocent and normal behaviour will make you feel trapped - when this happens to me, as it sometimes does, I try to sit with the feelings and allow them in order to work out if this is some kind of boundary violation or if it's an oversensitive reaction by my hyper ego protective self. |
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 2, 2018 12:16:48 GMT
To be honest, rationally, I think it is not just a harmless joke, but also not a serious comment. It may be 90% joke, 10% testing the waters. As in, he is not planning to move in with me, or even seriously considering it, but may be consciously or unconsciously entertaining the idea.
One of the avoidant patterns I still have is overreacting emotionally to jokes that involve the topic of transgressing romantic boundaries. Much like a woman who has been abused sexually may overreact to a joke with the theme of rape, even if she has healed and even if no ill was meant.
I would not take a joke from a child in a bad way, nor would it trigger me. No 'hook' woud be involved. Your ex is seeing a huge hook when there is no hook. The child is truly innocent and not even entertaining any thought of trapping anyone. He is a child.
For me, a comment that is 10% hook, emotionally feels like 40% hook would feel for an average person. An average person would not respond to it at this stage, because they are not as vigilant about not being trapped. I guess if a guy is actively considering trapping a woman, or a woman is considering trapping a man, there would be a recurring pattern of hooks and it would turn off the average person.
Thank you! I did and my rational analysis was the result of sitting with my feelings and then putting things into proportions.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 14:18:48 GMT
To be honest, rationally, I think it is not just a harmless joke, but also not a serious comment. It may be 90% joke, 10% testing the waters. As in, he is not planning to move in with me, or even seriously considering it, but may be consciously or unconsciously entertaining the idea. One of the avoidant patterns I still have is overreacting emotionally to jokes that involve the topic of transgressing romantic boundaries. Much like a woman who has been abused sexually may overreact to a joke with the theme of rape, even if she has healed and even if no ill was meant. |
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 2, 2018 18:44:51 GMT
Mary, this is exactly it!
I think the level of disgust and trappedness I felt was perhaps larger than need be, but that even a healthy reaction would be one of apprehension and feeling slightly turned off.
The average interaction is not a healthy interaction. Healthy interaction is free from icky hooks.
Unfortunately, few people are truly mentally healthy. So average conversation contains small attempt at manipulation, such as using jokes to test the waters, fishing for compliments, being friends with people with a hidden agenda, having "frenemies", guilt tripping. Those are not mentally healthy behaviours! They wont put you in the madhouse but they are like the colds and headaches and backpain of the mental health world.
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Post by AEC on Mar 2, 2018 21:20:06 GMT
It doesn't sound to me like this "guy friend" was trying to move in or "hook" you, BUT that yes, he might have been testing the waters. Not about moving in, per se, but in that he might have more than friends feelings for you. He might have been making that joke to see how you would react to a "more than friends" situation. Although, if that's what he was doing, he did a very insecure, clumsy job. If it was me, I would let him know that it felt to me like he was only partially joking and ask him what he meant by that statement. That way it gives a chance for things to be clarified (if he's honest and secure), rather than assumed. I suspect he is insecure himself if he is fishing around like that. If it was me, I'd definitely want to get clear on if he is ACTUALLY my friend, or if he is my "friend" with alterior motives. BTW I am not DA (for the most part), closer to a recovering FA, almost an earned secure at this point. Direct communication has helped me A TON. Even if I don't get a straightforward answer, that is enough of an answer in itself. If he has more than friends feelings, he may be afraid of rejection, which is why he might be fishing around. But again, no way to know for sure. It's all just assumptions as long as there are no attempts at clarification. If he is a close friend it's probably worth it to try and clarify. The fact that you're using the word "hooked" so much does show me that you are seeing things through the DA lens, which may or may not be a distortion of what is actually the case. Of course, I don't blame you. IT feels really gross when male friends hint at wanting to be more than friends when you've already made it clear that you're not interested in more. But REMEMBER, you are not actually trapped! You are just uncomfortable, and completely in control of how you choose to move forward with this friend. His comment does not obligate you to anything.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 2, 2018 22:13:46 GMT
Thanks AEC!
What else would you say has contributed to becoming more healthy?
I think it is actually the response to being afraid of rejection that is unpleasant to be in general I'd welcome an attractive male friend saying "Hey, we get along well and I am attracted to you and want to go on a date." because it feels honest and wholesome. The same openness that makes him vulnerable to being rejected is also respectful of my free will to say no or say yes wholeheartedly.
Anything that makes rejection more difficult, is sort of manipulative. I want a man who only wants me if I want him wholeheartedly who want for us to love each other.
I don't want a man who wants to own me when I would have rejected him if given more of a change. I want a man who wouild not accept a halfhearted yes, who is confident enough to trust himself worthy of being loved by a woman from her own free will, if not me, then someone else more suited to him.
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Post by mrob on Mar 3, 2018 1:46:44 GMT
Goldilocks, some of us are more broken than others. As a man, I’ve had one woman chase me in the beginning, and that was 25 years ago.
A man is expected to initiate. He initiated, he took the risk of escalation and you friendzoned him. That’s just one of those shots that women are able to call.
I would go so far to say that truly platonic relationships between single people of the opposite sex don’t work. One side develops feelings, or maybe it’s a sign of the underdevelopment of men. I don’t know.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 11, 2018 2:11:54 GMT
Goldilocks, some of us are more broken than others. As a man, I’ve had one woman chase me in the beginning, and that was 25 years ago. A man is expected to initiate. He initiated, he took the risk of escalation and you friendzoned him. That’s just one of those shots that women are able to call. I would go so far to say that truly platonic relationships between single people of the opposite sex don’t work. One side develops feelings, or maybe it’s a sign of the underdevelopment of men. I don’t know. I disagree that opposite sex platonic relationships do not work....I have several single male friends that are just that...friends.  |
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