Post by squirrelkitty on Mar 4, 2018 18:16:54 GMT
I would appreciate it if DAs could tell me how they act when they are trying really hard to have a good relationship (romantic or friendship) with someone.
Feel free to skip the wall of text below. Writing it down just helps me reflect. But if you have any thoughts on what I wrote below, please do comment.
Background
The reason I'm asking is that I've recently got back in touch with my DA ex because I want to be friends with him (We've always been friends, but because we also had a sexual relationship, it was difficult to see that back then).
We didn't talk to each other for 15 years, but have been talking on the phone occasionally for a year now.
We live in different countries now, so the logistics of meeting up are complicated, but it was actually him who suggested it. I didn't expect that because I was just focused on getting hold of him and seeing how it goes.
He's extremely DA and I'm moderately AP. I don't think he's aware of his attachment style at all and I don't actually think he does any of the things he does on purpose, he just reacts randomly. When we were together, he'd push me into a more anxious-preoccupied state, but at the same time I was also able to offer a more or less secure relationship in some ways. I'd also say that when I was younger I would overreact a lot more and I try to avoid that now, but he still manages to rattle me. On the other hand, he's also a right old fusspot, e.g. he tells me to be careful when I travel etc. So it's not all black-and-white, where he's always cold and horrible and I'm always hysterical.
If you're into MBTI: he's ESTP and I'm INTJ.
I'm very positively surprised because he's a lot nicer (less dismissive) than he used to be in some respects. I think he's actually trying very hard. The problem is that another friend of mine is being very negative about my DA friend and is reinforcing my AP tendencies. Obviously, I'm not going to talk to that friend about my DA ex/friend anymore. I actually regret talking to him, because on the whole, I know how to communicate with my ex/ friend.
Actually, I'm not even interested in over-analysing the DA's behaviour. We know each other really well and can go with the flow with each other, but my other friend's comments have 'triggered' me.
Some reasons why I think the DA is trying very hard and what my other friend has to say about it
* The DA is more spontaneously expressive and emotional than before, e.g. he gasps with surprise when I phone him, he speaks in a sweet voice (I know it's genuine because he has no logical reason to be nice to me just out of politeness, his voice also tends to crack when he's nice/ emotional and you can't fake that) <=> my other friend says that DA is being 'amiable' and however 'amiable' he may be when we talk on the phone, I must realize that I'm not important to the DA
* He said it's very kind of me to say we are old friends (but only after he trolled me about it and I insisted we are old friends)
* He keeps asking when I'll be in our home country. So far we haven't managed to meet up because most of the time he was genuinely busy (which I don't mind because I actually like it that he is active, spends time with his family etc). But on one occasion he did mess things up a bit because he was too busy to even talk about when we could meet up. We've talked about it again (he keeps bringing it up) and I assured him I'm happy for him to be busy with the things he likes, but this situation is turning into a logistical nightmare because of how we live in different countries. I ended by saying "It's OK, we'll figure something out eventually." and I think he found that touching/ reassuring. I'm actually so used to his behaviour that I don't take his being busy personally. It's just a bit frustrating that he sometimes 'uses' being busy as a distancing strategy when he's feeling distrustful. I think it's an involuntary reaction though, not something he does to torture me. Haha, talking about how he's 'busy' is even becoming a running joke between us. <=> my other friend says the DA is messing me about and doesn't actually want to meet up and that *I* don't just want to talk on the phone and it wouldn't be enough for *me* if we didn't meet up.
* He said I sound happy and he seemed very pleased that I'm happy. He fusses with me (I fuss with him too and he tolerates it without hissing although he isn't enthusiastic about it).
* He said I can phone him whenever I want and I should never worry that I'm bothering him.
* When he says something harsh or insensitive and I hiss at him, he immediately clarifies what he meant to say.
* He's generally better at figuring me out than the general public (I can be very stealthy). That's mainly a question of mental compatibility (I also get him easily). So it's not like he's making a special effort in that respect, but he seems to know that I'm shy and make an effort for him and he encourages me and draws me out. Actually, my shyness, introversion and geekiness is the number one area where I worry people would reject me because of that but he actually likes those things about me and has expressed this indirectly. So I've always felt he accepts me as a person more than other people do and our unhealthy relationship dynamics are a separate matter.
* Not relevant now, but when we were together as a couple he was generally on his best behaviour compared to his previous relationships (I didn't ask him about them, but he's a bit of a character and people spread rumours about him, so I know a lot more about his other relationships than he told me/ than I'd like to hear from others). He wasn't able to say the dreaded L word, but he did manage to say that he likes me a lot and gave me love songs etc. I've also noticed that when I say something nice to him, he tends to die from cuteness overkill (it's the same for me when he is nice) and just replies "Yes." a bit awkwardly. He did the same when I said the dreaded L word to him many years ago, so I guess he actually liked that and it just seemed like a rejection to me back then because I wasn't aware of how he expresses himself. ==> There is no need for me to go over old drama's again, whereas my other friend claims it's a drama about 'does he love me, does he not'. Bleh, I'm not actually interested in that question [of course I am a little bit], because I know the answer already. I just want to be in touch with my friend, that's all.
Feel free to skip the wall of text below. Writing it down just helps me reflect. But if you have any thoughts on what I wrote below, please do comment.
Background
The reason I'm asking is that I've recently got back in touch with my DA ex because I want to be friends with him (We've always been friends, but because we also had a sexual relationship, it was difficult to see that back then).
We didn't talk to each other for 15 years, but have been talking on the phone occasionally for a year now.
We live in different countries now, so the logistics of meeting up are complicated, but it was actually him who suggested it. I didn't expect that because I was just focused on getting hold of him and seeing how it goes.
He's extremely DA and I'm moderately AP. I don't think he's aware of his attachment style at all and I don't actually think he does any of the things he does on purpose, he just reacts randomly. When we were together, he'd push me into a more anxious-preoccupied state, but at the same time I was also able to offer a more or less secure relationship in some ways. I'd also say that when I was younger I would overreact a lot more and I try to avoid that now, but he still manages to rattle me. On the other hand, he's also a right old fusspot, e.g. he tells me to be careful when I travel etc. So it's not all black-and-white, where he's always cold and horrible and I'm always hysterical.
If you're into MBTI: he's ESTP and I'm INTJ.
I'm very positively surprised because he's a lot nicer (less dismissive) than he used to be in some respects. I think he's actually trying very hard. The problem is that another friend of mine is being very negative about my DA friend and is reinforcing my AP tendencies. Obviously, I'm not going to talk to that friend about my DA ex/friend anymore. I actually regret talking to him, because on the whole, I know how to communicate with my ex/ friend.
Actually, I'm not even interested in over-analysing the DA's behaviour. We know each other really well and can go with the flow with each other, but my other friend's comments have 'triggered' me.
Some reasons why I think the DA is trying very hard and what my other friend has to say about it
* The DA is more spontaneously expressive and emotional than before, e.g. he gasps with surprise when I phone him, he speaks in a sweet voice (I know it's genuine because he has no logical reason to be nice to me just out of politeness, his voice also tends to crack when he's nice/ emotional and you can't fake that) <=> my other friend says that DA is being 'amiable' and however 'amiable' he may be when we talk on the phone, I must realize that I'm not important to the DA
* He said it's very kind of me to say we are old friends (but only after he trolled me about it and I insisted we are old friends)
* He keeps asking when I'll be in our home country. So far we haven't managed to meet up because most of the time he was genuinely busy (which I don't mind because I actually like it that he is active, spends time with his family etc). But on one occasion he did mess things up a bit because he was too busy to even talk about when we could meet up. We've talked about it again (he keeps bringing it up) and I assured him I'm happy for him to be busy with the things he likes, but this situation is turning into a logistical nightmare because of how we live in different countries. I ended by saying "It's OK, we'll figure something out eventually." and I think he found that touching/ reassuring. I'm actually so used to his behaviour that I don't take his being busy personally. It's just a bit frustrating that he sometimes 'uses' being busy as a distancing strategy when he's feeling distrustful. I think it's an involuntary reaction though, not something he does to torture me. Haha, talking about how he's 'busy' is even becoming a running joke between us. <=> my other friend says the DA is messing me about and doesn't actually want to meet up and that *I* don't just want to talk on the phone and it wouldn't be enough for *me* if we didn't meet up.
* He said I sound happy and he seemed very pleased that I'm happy. He fusses with me (I fuss with him too and he tolerates it without hissing although he isn't enthusiastic about it).
* He said I can phone him whenever I want and I should never worry that I'm bothering him.
* When he says something harsh or insensitive and I hiss at him, he immediately clarifies what he meant to say.
* He's generally better at figuring me out than the general public (I can be very stealthy). That's mainly a question of mental compatibility (I also get him easily). So it's not like he's making a special effort in that respect, but he seems to know that I'm shy and make an effort for him and he encourages me and draws me out. Actually, my shyness, introversion and geekiness is the number one area where I worry people would reject me because of that but he actually likes those things about me and has expressed this indirectly. So I've always felt he accepts me as a person more than other people do and our unhealthy relationship dynamics are a separate matter.
* Not relevant now, but when we were together as a couple he was generally on his best behaviour compared to his previous relationships (I didn't ask him about them, but he's a bit of a character and people spread rumours about him, so I know a lot more about his other relationships than he told me/ than I'd like to hear from others). He wasn't able to say the dreaded L word, but he did manage to say that he likes me a lot and gave me love songs etc. I've also noticed that when I say something nice to him, he tends to die from cuteness overkill (it's the same for me when he is nice) and just replies "Yes." a bit awkwardly. He did the same when I said the dreaded L word to him many years ago, so I guess he actually liked that and it just seemed like a rejection to me back then because I wasn't aware of how he expresses himself. ==> There is no need for me to go over old drama's again, whereas my other friend claims it's a drama about 'does he love me, does he not'. Bleh, I'm not actually interested in that question [of course I am a little bit], because I know the answer already. I just want to be in touch with my friend, that's all.
