How can you tell if a DA is trying really hard?

On the whole I'm happy with it. It doesn't matter so much to me whether he's trying hard, because I can believe he is unless I get triggered. I think I feel bothered because the way DAs are described in the literature demonises them a bit too much. It's like everything they do gets portrayed as calculating in some way. If they're funny (as my friend is) they're not just funny but they're being funny to attract you. If they manage to be nice, it's because they are plotting some bizarre scheme etc.
Lol, my other friend claims that my DA friend must be charming. ROFL, he's the most blunt person in the world.
Actually, just taking him at face value is far more helpful than questioning every little thing he does.

Yes that would make sense.
The thing is, I'm AP but not massively so, at least not in terms of my behaviour. . E. g. I don't tick every criterion in the list in Jeb's book. I might have very strong dramatic feelings etc, but nowadays I mainly solve these problems by thinking or discussing them with someone other than the person it affects. I don't bother the other person half as much as is described in the literature and as some people do via social media etc.
When I read about how to behave towards a DA, it seems I'm mostly on the right track with my friend, and he also makes it easy for me sometimes. I'm not saying that all is rosy or even needs to be rosy.
Now, some the stuff my other friend suggests sound like totally AP (or rather they sound like vengefully doing something totally unproductive)... It's like I just want to know the best way of getting along with an DA and my other friend (who is also not secure himself) wants the DA not to be DA.

Update:
The DA has been really nice and helpful on the phone lately and we're getting along better than ever. He seems soooooo much more aware than 15 years ago and we're both communicating 100 times better.
He still keeps bringing up the idea that we could meet up, but keeps putting it off to my next visit to my home country. So I'm just completely ignoring that aspect and not going for the bait.

What kind of expectation do you mean?

That's an interesting question. What do you mean by physical intimacy?
My DA didn't like cuddling, holding hands etc at all. So when he got used to it, yes, I'd say that showed he was making an effort.
As for sex... That could be a a DA's way of looking for intimacy, but it depends on their attitude. If they're a player who use sex to dominate people, then no. If they are willing to let go of their control freakery while having sex, that's probably a sign that they are more trustful than normally.

Booty Call.
No DA i know will only make effort for sex if they desire a connection.
Every DA i know will make an effort at emotional connection if they want an emotional connection.
Some DA i know will make an effort for emotional connection to a limited degree even if they only want a booty call.
It depends on the person. it depends on the situation.

I remember you writing that your Ex DA told you point blank he could not give you what you want in a relationship.
and he respected your wishes and boundaries and was very honest with you about his limitations and what he was interested in.
The fact that you are still questioning this points to your own issues. you would find peace more quickly if you examine why you are analyzing his behavior in spite of his providing clarity for you.

i don't know what has happened in the meantime between that other post i am referencing, and now.

But if a DA wants a deepening emotional connection with you, you will know it.
whether or not that connection is enough , and backed up by commitment and long term intentions can sometimes be determined more through the use of common sense than attachment theory, frankly.

Often, people use attachment theory to try to analyze and find a way around pure emotional unavailabilty.
As if understanding and catering to dysfunctional relating habits can form and support true intimacy. i'm not accusing you of that. but it happens a lot here.

That's not how it works. Understanding avoidance and compensating for it doesn't create intimacy or relationship, it creates personal inpingement and compensation. that's all it creates. It destroys more in the compensating party than it creates in the relationship.

A person (both parties!) must address their internal blocks to intimacy and improve dysfunctional relating habits in order to forge intimacy. It's a dual effort, and one that must be agreed upon mutually, instead of one person jumping in the drivers seat to make all the requests and accommodations for both parties.

A mutually agreed upon, openly communicated joint venture is much more likely to be a real connection than a one-sided guessing game where needs, intentions, feelings, and behaviors are all subject to interpretation.