Best ways to have sex with avoidant in LT relation

Thanks! You're probably right about leaving the bed, not referring to love etc. But if I could find some more of these that would make sex more tempting for the avoidant I would already be happy.

And indeed, the only success story would be one where we could meet in the middle and both would be more or less satisfied...

I don't fully agree on this. But maybe it's because my wife probably is not 100% dismissive-avoidant. Part of her wants to have more intimacy (mostly emotional, but also physical) and is doing efforts to listen to me and to work on the relationship. We're having couples therapy since a while now, and things are going better. I try to accept the space she needs and nevertheless listen to her when she needs me, and she tries to listen to me too. But then, still, she has the dismissive mechanism that pops-up too many times and starts criticizing my behavior, reactions, comments. I can be very destructive. Then I really have to walk on eggs.

Since I don't want to throw in the towel yet, I'm still looking for extra ways (next to the below) or mechanism to improve the relationship.
- accept the space she needs and the fact that she's different on that level. Do not compare with other couples
- listen to her when she wants to connect
- not criticize her in a direct way
- not depend on her
- keep sex technical (eg starting with a massage) unless she wants more intimacy
- try not to pay attention to disparaging comments and don't let her destruct your integrity

I was diagnosed with dismissive-avoidance years ago but I have struggled with it all my life.

I'm a very physical person and I crave sex constantly but only the physical gratification, when it comes to intimacy I shy away. In a LT setting I found the only thing that works when I start to avoid sex is for my partner to initiate. For whatever reason this excites me and I cannot think of a time when I have attempted to not have sex after my partner makes the first move.

Problem is I do not communicate my need of my partner occasionally taking the lead and the cycle of avoidance continues.

My ex, who i feel was DA, was very sexual.

Sex between she and I was very good, However it was never intimate.

She wanted to be fucked hard, chocked, slapped etc.

I know alot of women like that, but that's all she liked, nothing intimate.

In more serious answers, once I read in a book that it helps the avoidant if there is a distraction-- but it doesn't necessarily have to be a disturbing one. I've found a lighting scheme (ex: fire in a fireplace, an interesting computer screensaver) and also music can serve that purpose. Things like fantasy role-playing could also serve that purpose.

Also planning it ahead of time can make it seem less overwhelming to the avoidant person.

Another thing I've noticed is sometimes if a relationship is becoming less sexual, the non-avoidant partner can sort of give up and engage in behaviors that then make it even less likely (ex: bathing less, not shaving, whatever) and while that's certainly their right, it may make things harder for the avoidant person to get in the mood, speaking honestly.

What does your wife think about your shared intimacy, Soho? Has she ever spoken to a counselor or another DA woman about this?