soho
Junior Member
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Post by soho on Nov 26, 2017 17:41:28 GMT
I ve explained my wife that it s very important for me to improve this situation and she s been reading in some books now. I appreciate that, but it s not guaranteed this will help.
It would have been easier if there was a direct need or advantage for her as well. That was why I was looking for a way to make (passionate) sex interesting for a DA.
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Post by saline on Nov 26, 2017 18:24:01 GMT
You are on the right track, but she needs to get to that direct motivation on her own. The possibility of losing you through sexual and emotional disconnect will not provide any impetus for change because that's already an accepted possibility. If she does want to change herself, it has to be internally motivated because she wants more than what she's been subsisting on in all these years in your relationship. She unfortunately has to be unsatisfied. Otherwise, she probably has no inkling that there could be more between you. She might have no clue of what that would even look or feel like, or have some pretty fucked up ideas that are not serving her at all. If I were her, I would start with that whole "sex is dirty" thing and really dig in deep there.
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Post by saline on Nov 26, 2017 18:42:42 GMT
Just an FYI -- reprogramming yourself in this way is difficult, long, challenging, at times seemingly impossible work. If you are doing this work as a couple, it will require change and digging deep on both your parts for a very long time. It will be the work of her lifetime, and she'll routinely need to be challenging thinking and triggers. So will you. But it is so, so worth it if you both can find the motivation to reach for more.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 28, 2017 17:21:40 GMT
Thanks! You're probably right about leaving the bed, not referring to love etc. But if I could find some more of these that would make sex more tempting for the avoidant I would already be happy. And indeed, the only success story would be one where we could meet in the middle and both would be more or less satisfied... Thats just sad to me. We are all talking about how to change our needs to fit the needs of others. My DA is no longer in my life, but we made LOVE. While making love I could tell him I loved him, but only then, otherwise, he would go cold, glassy eyed. I love him and miss him deeply, but I want my lovemaking open and honest. I am done adjusting my big needs to satisfy another persons stunted attachment system. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2017 16:44:53 GMT
I am so curious as to know what they feel when they have sex? Do you they have any feelings? Are these DAs and FAs all on different levels or if they are labeled DA and FA are they wired exactly the same? Can you learn to love and feel connectedness with another human being? How do you know they are being honest when they share? So very sad and strange at the same time. I can't imagine not wanting to get close to another human being in every sense of the word. What are they afraid we will see when they let their guard down? That they hate themselves or they are so very sad or depressed? Jeepers is this learned or a mental illness.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 30, 2017 16:51:08 GMT
I am so curious as to know what they feel when they have sex? Do you they have any feelings? Are these DAs and FAs all on different levels or if they are labeled DA and FA are they wired exactly the same? Can you learn to love and feel connectedness with another human being? How do you know they are being honest when they share? So very sad and strange at the same time. I can't imagine not wanting to get close to another human being in every sense of the word. What are they afraid we will see when they let their guard down? That they hate themselves or they are so very sad or depressed? Jeepers is this learned or a mental illness. My DA felt a lot. Too much? We had an amazing sexual connection and he was right there, very present. I have the videos to prove it.  I suppose it is a learned behavior. Its not in the DSM so I gather its not being called an illness. It seems to me, like Autism, that the more people are afflicted as our society is more toxic and also more aligned with technology. We taken the need for others away. When a person can do everything on a computer, even have their sexual needs met via porn, then where does that leave interpersonal connections? My DA has depth to him. He has the desire for real touch and closeness, but I heard him say that one day we will all be having sex with robots.....so sad. Lately, my deepest sadness has been how little of life he will get to enjoy. I am getting better everyday and will find joy in many places and with many people, since Im a real people person, but him? He lives at the bottom of a well and barely ever gets out of there. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2017 17:32:14 GMT
I guess when they feel too much after the sex it makes them scared and need some time to process things. Do they feel physical attraction to people? I am having a difficult time deciphering between feelings, attraction, emotions. They are so intertwined and I don't have any of those issues. I feel love and attraction and want closeness. Does it bring them closer to the person? I do hear you about the computers and TV being so accessible that human touch is becoming a thing of the past for certain folks who are shy or self conscious/insecurity issues. I find that being very patient with is very key and important if you want things to work.
Thanks for your response.
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 1, 2017 0:46:37 GMT
Yes, classically a DA who gets "too close" has to retreat fro a spell. Mine would come around every ten days to two weeks. I always wanted more, but I bet if he couldn't come around, it was because he really "couldn't". My heart truly goes out to him, it must be so hard to be so emotionally disabled. As to whether they are attracted to people, I would wager yes. All people have preferences, even sociopaths and narcissists.
My fella used to give me compliments while being sexual.
I miss him, but I don't miss the push and pull. Its all worth it to not feel that!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 14:32:04 GMT
Stellar, Yes, actually they do feel way more than we realize. They just don't know what to do with the feeling so they SHOVE it way deep down and it never comes back again until the cycle of the partners of these individuals brings it back up again. I think once they are attached to someone -- they never really let that person go. They will always return but it is on their terms. Everything is according to what is most comfortable for them. What I have learned is just to live my life and make myself happy without the DA/FA. If he wants to be included in my life and I have some space and time for him, then he is welcome. I don't have any expectations anymore. I guard myself from any possible hurt he can cause me by not allowing him to fully consume my space, my time, and my heart. We learn that WE COME FIRST with therapy and work on ourselves. For instance, I am in recovery for addiction over 19+ years and I have done the 12 steps over and over in my sobriety/journey. It helps me to set boundaries and put myself first. We must love ourselves first unconditionally. We're not perfect -- but no one is. So, it's progress, not perfection. Don't ever let anyone else have that kind of power over you. MIND OVER MATTER. We control our thoughts -- no one else does. Peace and one love to all!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 14:37:37 GMT
My guy has actually told me "I am too good for him". I just recently found out about all of this attachment styles. I have never heard of this before. All of it makes so much sense though from when we were young and how we connected/attached to our parents. I think though -- if a DA/FA wants to change they can. There are a lot of tools for them. We can all learn new things in life -- feelings, emotions, etc. There are so many Youtube videos on self love, self awareness, 12 step recovery, therapy, CBT, groups online, etc. I am being patient with my guy -- maybe we are just meant to be friends and he was put in my life for a reason to help or guide him sort of. I am not consumed by him and I certainly will not give up my life for him or anyone. I love myself and I love my happiness FIRST and foremost. We should all learn to love ourselves first this way we can incorporate those around us and have healthy relationships. Communication is also very key. Expressing what you want for yourself, what you will tolerate and won't tolerate. Mind over matter. These DA/FA's don't rule us or run the show unless we let them.
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 14:56:44 GMT
My guy has actually told me "I am too good for him". I just recently found out about all of this attachment styles. I have never heard of this before. All of it makes so much sense though from when we were young and how we connected/attached to our parents. I think though -- if a DA/FA wants to change they can. There are a lot of tools for them. We can all learn new things in life -- feelings, emotions, etc. There are so many Youtube videos on self love, self awareness, 12 step recovery, therapy, CBT, groups online, etc. I am being patient with my guy -- maybe we are just meant to be friends and he was put in my life for a reason to help or guide him sort of. I am not consumed by him and I certainly will not give up my life for him or anyone. I love myself and I love my happiness FIRST and foremost. We should all learn to love ourselves first this way we can incorporate those around us and have healthy relationships. Communication is also very key. Expressing what you want for yourself, what you will tolerate and won't tolerate. Mind over matter. These DA/FA's don't rule us or run the show unless we let them. |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 14:57:49 GMT
Stellar, Yes, actually they do feel way more than we realize. They just don't know what to do with the feeling so they SHOVE it way deep down and it never comes back again until the cycle of the partners of these individuals brings it back up again. I think once they are attached to someone -- they never really let that person go. They will always return but it is on their terms. Everything is according to what is most comfortable for them. What I have learned is just to live my life and make myself happy without the DA/FA. If he wants to be included in my life and I have some space and time for him, then he is welcome. I don't have any expectations anymore. I guard myself from any possible hurt he can cause me by not allowing him to fully consume my space, my time, and my heart. We learn that WE COME FIRST with therapy and work on ourselves. For instance, I am in recovery for addiction over 19+ years and I have done the 12 steps over and over in my sobriety/journey. It helps me to set boundaries and put myself first. We must love ourselves first unconditionally. We're not perfect -- but no one is. So, it's progress, not perfection. Don't ever let anyone else have that kind of power over you. MIND OVER MATTER. We control our thoughts -- no one else does. Peace and one love to all! |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 15:00:22 GMT
Im starting to think I should handle him this way as well. I was going to just walk away and say good riddance but I love him and the relationship is not a committed one so like you I will adopt this until I just don't wanna do it anymore. If he comes around fine when he distances ill continue living my life..after all life goes in whether a person chooses to be in your life or not
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soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by soho on Jul 20, 2018 13:38:46 GMT
I think though -- if a DA/FA wants to change they can. There are a lot of tools for them. We can all learn new things in life -- feelings, emotions, etc. There are so many Youtube videos on self love, self awareness, 12 step recovery, therapy, CBT, groups online, etc. You may be right, and thx for the tips. It just all depends on their motivation. My wife is slighly motivated to change, but when it comes to intimacy she just doesn't see the point of it. We 're on holidays now, having a good time, relaxing, enjoying the sun etc, but zero need of her to be intimate with me. She agreed to have sex once, stopped reading her book and after 5 minutes continued reading. That's it. No physical need, no attraction, ... There could be more involved than just DA, e.g. lack of hormones etc, but the fact that she s just not much into intimacy and sex and couldn t care less about it is not helping me. She even refuses massages, she prefers to be on her e-reader all the time. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 20, 2018 21:42:33 GMT
I am sorry soho.....have you explained how important it is to you? There is a book I have (it is Christian based) called For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and it speaks to the needs of men (it is geared to wives) and one that it speaks to is the need for sex. It is very well written.
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