Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71 
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Post by Lola on Mar 15, 2018 13:11:09 GMT
Dear gfs/bfs/ex's of DA's,
We are better off without them. I realised that all people are in one way or another broken, fracture or bent. So are DAs. They are only people. If you are with a DA or FA and you have a toxic relationship there is only one real sustainable and fulfilling option: leave. Of course, you can try to work it out, sometimes it does work, but at what cost? It is kind of like joining a cause that seems well and then only to realise that it is corrupt, but still staying in it for the hope of it working out or for the fear of not getting a real job. You put so much work, energy and thoughts into it that it ends up draining you. And guess what while you put in all your energy you are missing out on that real boyfriend/girlfriend or even happy single life. You know for certain that it does not work right now, so why keep the perpetual pain? And what about the DAs? Same story, but with the reverse. For them, I assume, it is trying to be present and trying to accept the painful reality that they in their core are terrified of letting into human nature and accepting and giving love. Why do DAs who love their partner treat them so terribly that they end up self loathing? They cannot help it. It is a tragedy and the best thing to do is really to leave before it eats you alive.
Get out while you can, because you are suffering and self loathing in the end, just like your DA..
I left and never felt better.. despite being so sad about the perfect guy deep down in his core being so broken, that he could not accept it.
And all the things DAs tell you are wrong with you are only a farce to keep you at a distance. All lies.. You are worth it and so are you DAs!
BUT please, let's all be single for a while to work out our issues before we create new ones for the ones we believe we love the most.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2018 13:34:55 GMT
Hey Lola...so glad to hear you are doing well. Of course, logically what you have posted above makes sense...but love isn't very logical ( and the part of our brain that is in control isn't the logic side either). My first unconscious reaction was...you don't understand, my situation is "different"....but I know it isn't. I am embracing singleness...while my thoughts dwell on "B"...that is just where I am. And it is miles better then I was 6 months ago. Wishing you so well on your journey.  |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 15, 2018 13:41:55 GMT
Thank you tnr9!
Sorry to hear that. I know this probably sounds dumb, but try not to let anyone pay 0 rent to be in your head so much. It only troubles you and you deserve peace. I wish you all the best <3
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2018 14:10:07 GMT
Lola, I am glad you found peace with your situation. I don't think every situation/relationship though is the same and if both people are willing to put the work in, it can not only work but be beautiful. My friends told me the same thing you are saying, to get out and stay out. I am still in it and it's better than ever. My bf and I will always be working on it most likely, but everyone has to work at relationships. No such thing as an easy relationship that lasts in my opinion. All that matters for me, is that I am happier with him than without and he feels the same.
The operative word though is both. I think many situations on here are that only one person is willing to put the work in and yes, that is not going to work out, so I do see your point. I hope everyone on here finds their peace and a partner that will make them happy.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2018 14:38:08 GMT
Thank you tnr9! Sorry to hear that. I know this probably sounds dumb, but try not to let anyone pay 0 rent to be in your head so much. It only troubles you and you deserve peace. I wish you all the best <3 Hey Lola...it's ok....I am at peace with it really....it comes from a very loyal and loving space (along with a very anxious/hopeful message of "if I can just figure him out, things will change"). I think accepting that I may always have this desire gives me freedom and allows me to show more self compassion towards myself. And, as far as people go...B isn't so bad to focus on.....he truly is a lovely and complicated soul. I think also, by accepting it as what I do...it actually sooths the inner anxiety to some degree which allows me to do less of the "compulsive"/"obsessive" things...like checking when he was last online or dwelling on bits of random information that I then make into a story and react to as if it is fact. I have gained so much perspective from being here on these boards, as well as attempting to stay friends with B...that even though I will likely still have some self created swirls...I am ok with it. Because I now know myself better. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2018 14:43:10 GMT
Lola, I am glad you found peace with your situation. I don't think every situation/relationship though is the same and if both people are willing to put the work in, it can not only work but be beautiful. My friends told me the same thing you are saying, to get out and stay out. I am still in it and it's better than ever. My bf and I will always be working on it most likely, but everyone has to work at relationships. No such thing as an easy relationship that lasts in my opinion. All that matters for me, is that I am happier with him than without and he feels the same. The operative word though is both. I think many situations on here are that only one person is willing to put the work in and yes, that is not going to work out, so I do see your point. I hope everyone on here finds their peace and a partner that will make them happy. Mary...I am so glad that things are working out for you. It is so refreshing to read about a relationship where both people are committed to growing with each other instead of the lopsided state that many of us have found ourselves in. I wish you all the best. |
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Post by cricket on Mar 15, 2018 17:05:13 GMT
Hi Lola, nice inspiring quote for those that are having a hard time making a decision to leave or know they need to leave. How long did it take you to feel good w everything?
My problem is I will feel really good and strong for a while and then it starts creeping back in that I miss him and I don't find the same qualities w others that I find w him. The longest have gone without speaking to him is 3 months. And the whole time I thought about him even though I didn't speak to him or even look him up on social media.
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Post by squirrelkitty on Mar 17, 2018 14:12:02 GMT
Bleh, I tend to disagree. There could be all kinds of reasons why you were attracted to a DA in the first place. Surely you didn't think "Ooh, he's got a beautiful case of dismissive avoidant attachment style."
If you miss the DA it might well be that you miss the good qualities they have which have nothing to do with attachment style.
In my opinion, this whole assumption in the literature that it's a person's attachment style that attracts us and all their other qualities are just incidental add-ons is just very unrealistic.
You're attracted to people because of their personality, looks, interests, etc. Attachment issues are an obstacle that gets in the way, they're not the reason we like or dislike someone.
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 17, 2018 14:36:49 GMT
Bleh, I tend to disagree. There could be all kinds of reasons why you were attracted to a DA in the first place. Surely you didn't think "Ooh, he's got a beautiful case of dismissive avoidant attachment style." If you miss the DA it might well be that you miss the good qualities they have which have nothing to do with attachment style. In my opinion, this whole assumption in the literature that it's a person's attachment style that attracts us and all their other qualities are just incidental add-ons is just very unrealistic. You're attracted to people because of their personality, looks, interests, etc. Attachment issues are an obstacle that gets in the way, they're not the reason we like or dislike someone. Exactly. He is absolutely perfect to me. He is what I consider perfection in a man... so it was very hard to do that. The hardest thing I've ever done. The only issue is the attachment style and his childhood trauma. I tried to save him, but while I was doing so his avoidant part of his personality was drowning me. I could not overcome as you say, the obstacle. It's so unfortunate  |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 17, 2018 14:40:43 GMT
Hi Lola, nice inspiring quote for those that are having a hard time making a decision to leave or know they need to leave. How long did it take you to feel good w everything? My problem is I will feel really good and strong for a while and then it starts creeping back in that I miss him and I don't find the same qualities w others that I find w him. The longest have gone without speaking to him is 3 months. And the whole time I thought about him even though I didn't speak to him or even look him up on social media. It hasn't even really happened. Because we always break up. We've probably broken up like 11 times. I plan to make sure he doesn't reel me in again by dating. YES. I know it's AWFUL idea to start dating. I don't intend to do it seriously, or for real even, but to get him to stop reeling me back in. He doesn't set me, even though he told me he would, this is the only way he would for real. So my answer in any case is rubbish. I can't answer. I think I just fell out of love, because of his abusive behaviour. I saw him today and was so scared of him. I think it's too much trauma. |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 17, 2018 14:42:32 GMT
Lola, I am glad you found peace with your situation. I don't think every situation/relationship though is the same and if both people are willing to put the work in, it can not only work but be beautiful. My friends told me the same thing you are saying, to get out and stay out. I am still in it and it's better than ever. My bf and I will always be working on it most likely, but everyone has to work at relationships. No such thing as an easy relationship that lasts in my opinion. All that matters for me, is that I am happier with him than without and he feels the same. The operative word though is both. I think many situations on here are that only one person is willing to put the work in and yes, that is not going to work out, so I do see your point. I hope everyone on here finds their peace and a partner that will make them happy. I really glad Mary. That's amazing. In our relationship we both tried too. He really tried, but I almost took my own life anyway.. I never told him. Please make sure that NEVER happens to you love. |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 17, 2018 14:46:25 GMT
Thank you tnr9! Sorry to hear that. I know this probably sounds dumb, but try not to let anyone pay 0 rent to be in your head so much. It only troubles you and you deserve peace. I wish you all the best <3 Hey Lola...it's ok....I am at peace with it really....it comes from a very loyal and loving space (along with a very anxious/hopeful message of "if I can just figure him out, things will change"). I think accepting that I may always have this desire gives me freedom and allows me to show more self compassion towards myself. And, as far as people go...B isn't so bad to focus on.....he truly is a lovely and complicated soul. I think also, by accepting it as what I do...it actually sooths the inner anxiety to some degree which allows me to do less of the "compulsive"/"obsessive" things...like checking when he was last online or dwelling on bits of random information that I then make into a story and react to as if it is fact. I have gained so much perspective from being here on these boards, as well as attempting to stay friends with B...that even though I will likely still have some self created swirls...I am ok with it. Because I now know myself better. I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry. It's EXACTLY what I thought 3 months ago.. so you probably can imagine what I think about your message. My bias is too great to give a valid answer. I wish you the best and peace and happiness xxx |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 20:26:51 GMT
Lola, I am glad you found peace with your situation. I don't think every situation/relationship though is the same and if both people are willing to put the work in, it can not only work but be beautiful. My friends told me the same thing you are saying, to get out and stay out. I am still in it and it's better than ever. My bf and I will always be working on it most likely, but everyone has to work at relationships. No such thing as an easy relationship that lasts in my opinion. All that matters for me, is that I am happier with him than without and he feels the same. The operative word though is both. I think many situations on here are that only one person is willing to put the work in and yes, that is not going to work out, so I do see your point. I hope everyone on here finds their peace and a partner that will make them happy. I really glad Mary. That's amazing. In our relationship we both tried too. He really tried, but I almost took my own life anyway.. I never told him. Please make sure that NEVER happens to you love. I am so sorry that happened. I hope you continue on your healing path. |
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Post by squirrelkitty on Mar 17, 2018 21:27:50 GMT
Bleh, I tend to disagree. There could be all kinds of reasons why you were attracted to a DA in the first place. Surely you didn't think "Ooh, he's got a beautiful case of dismissive avoidant attachment style." If you miss the DA it might well be that you miss the good qualities they have which have nothing to do with attachment style. In my opinion, this whole assumption in the literature that it's a person's attachment style that attracts us and all their other qualities are just incidental add-ons is just very unrealistic. You're attracted to people because of their personality, looks, interests, etc. Attachment issues are an obstacle that gets in the way, they're not the reason we like or dislike someone. Exactly. He is absolutely perfect to me. He is what I consider perfection in a man... so it was very hard to do that. The hardest thing I've ever done. The only issue is the attachment style and his childhood trauma. I tried to save him, but while I was doing so his avoidant part of his personality was drowning me. I could not overcome as you say, the obstacle. It's so unfortunate Yes, I get what you mean. It's a personal decision how much one wants to put up with. There is no right or wrong way here. |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 18, 2018 8:01:40 GMT
I have to admit. I probably made it sound like it is easy, but deep down after the emotional abuse and belittling I feel unlovable and like I'll never find love. I know that is not true, but it sure does feel convincing
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