Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2018 19:35:02 GMT
My partner and i are in a sweet space emotionally, even while we are not having our usual time together due to extenuating circumstances.
A poster mentioned in another thread the difficulty that avoidants have with simultaneous expressions of intimacy. Between sexual and emotional intimacy, if avoidants are unaware and not addressing issues, we may be able to handle one form of intimacy but not both.
That was true of my avoidant partner and i in the beginning but has changed over time with effort and sincerity.
In the beginning, we were able to be "stable" in terms of a connection because we shared sexual intimacy and it was profound.
As emotional intimacy began to creep in, things got rocky and unstable. It actually drove me into therapy again as i recognized how i sabotage but also how far i have come emotionally to be able to be in love. I love him like i have never loved a man. It's really important to me not to hurt him and to love him really well in a way that makes him feel good, and, well, loved.
Ultimately we have been able to sustain our connection and deepen it in the emotional sense , and are both working on our issues and our bond is deeper now. Being involved with another avoidant has shed light on my own avoidance, and what i must confront and improve in order to stay connected and grow our relationship. Of the two, i am more secure. But, we are different personalities, genders, with different life factors so we are different in how we avoid.
He is a slow burner, more consistent - with slow progression to emotional intimacy, and slow increase in effort and availability. I have earned his trust and softness and openness over time. I don't want to mess that up. He doesn't recover well. I found that out.
We use some of the same deactivation tactics, some different. By now we are resolved to just try to stay consistent and not hurt each other no matter what. Of course that's an ideal , but we know how we hurt each other and want to avoid it. We also know how we make each other happy so we are doing that well
So, that's why i'm here. I don't want to deactivate. I used to look at a list of deactivation tactics and be like "Well that's a bunch of crap, that's terrible.... at least i don't do THAT. What kind of a$$hole.... !!! .... "
But, i do. I feel stupid for missing it. I didn't get what i was doing.
Well, now i get it. Thankfully, i am deactivating between my ears only, and it hasn't left my head and turned into any outward actions. I know what is going on; but it doesn't magically erase the fear i am trying to squelch by deactivating.
Here's the trigger... one of a few recently. My partner and i had an emotionally supportive, mutually loving conversation the other morning about being overwhelmed taking care of painful issues in our families . We both take care of aging parents and young adult children. We both are the ones in the family that take care of things when no one else can or will. sometime we hurt a lot over the pain we take care of.
since we shared about that, and he wished i was physically with him at that moment, (it wasn't possible) ...i have become overtly sexual and shallow in my communication with him, i have taken special time out of my day to go inward and re-establish my personal sovereignty and non-reliance on him for my happiness, i have entertained the idea of not honoring our promise to be as stable as we can if the other is struggling (by letting him distance and using that as en excuse to distance too... my attachment style must be looking for the escape hatch CONTRARY TO MY HEART.
There are a couple more things in there that have crossed my mind that i need to work through to be able to express with vulnerability, i'm not ready to.
All of this is in response to deep feelings of love and affection and gratitude for him in my life, and the realization that to lose him would be devastating. Also the sadness i feel for ever having been unkind to him.
So, this isn't an Ap/Da toxic dynamic triggering my deactivation, it is an excruciating appreciation of intimacy and friendship and connection that is extremely valuable to me and that makes me feel like someone finally has the key to me ,and i'm trying to take my key back. Just triggered. i don't really want to!!!!
So. That's all i am prepared to say at the moment, i know we don't have a lot of avoidants here and i don't know if anyone else is in a relationship they see a future for- but please relate. I feel awful and sad when i do this. I don't want to deactivate in full because it hurts him (and me) so bad. we have built trust. Ironically, that's the problem. i am pretty sure i will make it through this just fine and he won't even know. I reached out to him normally against my need to distance, last night and this morning. We initiate about 40/60 with me being the 60, and all that is the same.
We talk more now that when we are actively sexual ( which will be soon and probably provide a nice exhale from the emotional intimacy we have been cultivating) - but i betcha it's going to be ultra sweet and i'll be back here trying not to deactivate. again. Gawd.
Anyway, thanks for reading and any support appreciated.
A poster mentioned in another thread the difficulty that avoidants have with simultaneous expressions of intimacy. Between sexual and emotional intimacy, if avoidants are unaware and not addressing issues, we may be able to handle one form of intimacy but not both.
That was true of my avoidant partner and i in the beginning but has changed over time with effort and sincerity.
In the beginning, we were able to be "stable" in terms of a connection because we shared sexual intimacy and it was profound.
As emotional intimacy began to creep in, things got rocky and unstable. It actually drove me into therapy again as i recognized how i sabotage but also how far i have come emotionally to be able to be in love. I love him like i have never loved a man. It's really important to me not to hurt him and to love him really well in a way that makes him feel good, and, well, loved.
Ultimately we have been able to sustain our connection and deepen it in the emotional sense , and are both working on our issues and our bond is deeper now. Being involved with another avoidant has shed light on my own avoidance, and what i must confront and improve in order to stay connected and grow our relationship. Of the two, i am more secure. But, we are different personalities, genders, with different life factors so we are different in how we avoid.
He is a slow burner, more consistent - with slow progression to emotional intimacy, and slow increase in effort and availability. I have earned his trust and softness and openness over time. I don't want to mess that up. He doesn't recover well. I found that out.
We use some of the same deactivation tactics, some different. By now we are resolved to just try to stay consistent and not hurt each other no matter what. Of course that's an ideal , but we know how we hurt each other and want to avoid it. We also know how we make each other happy so we are doing that well
So, that's why i'm here. I don't want to deactivate. I used to look at a list of deactivation tactics and be like "Well that's a bunch of crap, that's terrible.... at least i don't do THAT. What kind of a$$hole.... !!! .... "
But, i do. I feel stupid for missing it. I didn't get what i was doing.
Well, now i get it. Thankfully, i am deactivating between my ears only, and it hasn't left my head and turned into any outward actions. I know what is going on; but it doesn't magically erase the fear i am trying to squelch by deactivating.
Here's the trigger... one of a few recently. My partner and i had an emotionally supportive, mutually loving conversation the other morning about being overwhelmed taking care of painful issues in our families . We both take care of aging parents and young adult children. We both are the ones in the family that take care of things when no one else can or will. sometime we hurt a lot over the pain we take care of.
since we shared about that, and he wished i was physically with him at that moment, (it wasn't possible) ...i have become overtly sexual and shallow in my communication with him, i have taken special time out of my day to go inward and re-establish my personal sovereignty and non-reliance on him for my happiness, i have entertained the idea of not honoring our promise to be as stable as we can if the other is struggling (by letting him distance and using that as en excuse to distance too... my attachment style must be looking for the escape hatch CONTRARY TO MY HEART.
There are a couple more things in there that have crossed my mind that i need to work through to be able to express with vulnerability, i'm not ready to.
All of this is in response to deep feelings of love and affection and gratitude for him in my life, and the realization that to lose him would be devastating. Also the sadness i feel for ever having been unkind to him.
So, this isn't an Ap/Da toxic dynamic triggering my deactivation, it is an excruciating appreciation of intimacy and friendship and connection that is extremely valuable to me and that makes me feel like someone finally has the key to me ,and i'm trying to take my key back. Just triggered. i don't really want to!!!!
So. That's all i am prepared to say at the moment, i know we don't have a lot of avoidants here and i don't know if anyone else is in a relationship they see a future for- but please relate. I feel awful and sad when i do this. I don't want to deactivate in full because it hurts him (and me) so bad. we have built trust. Ironically, that's the problem. i am pretty sure i will make it through this just fine and he won't even know. I reached out to him normally against my need to distance, last night and this morning. We initiate about 40/60 with me being the 60, and all that is the same.
We talk more now that when we are actively sexual ( which will be soon and probably provide a nice exhale from the emotional intimacy we have been cultivating) - but i betcha it's going to be ultra sweet and i'll be back here trying not to deactivate. again. Gawd.
Anyway, thanks for reading and any support appreciated.
