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Post by hotmessexpress on Apr 4, 2018 6:22:02 GMT
I am a Fearful Avoidant and after 17-year *friendship with my Dismissive Avoidant in which we maintained this push/pull chase dynamic but never actually took things to a romantic level....we finally consummated our relationship. We spent about 12 hours making love.... very passionate, lots of kissing and eye contact; mutually "giving", etc. The sex and connection was amazing. But of course his flames went cold afterwards. He is a workaholic and works in national security so I understand that his job is very consuming. But 36 hours later and I finally received a text asking about the weather 😂No mention of FINALLY consummating our relationship after nearly two decades of build-up; not an ounce of emotional reassurance. The weather!! 😂 I wasn't expecting any declarations of love and commitment, but I was very surprised by the level of coolness. Obviously I have been triggered and have been feeling vulnerable/ sulking.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 4, 2018 11:51:20 GMT
I am a Fearful Avoidant and after 17-year *friendship with my Dismissive Avoidant in which we maintained this push/pull chase dynamic but never actually took things to a romantic level....we finally consummated our relationship. We spent about 12 hours making love.... very passionate, lots of kissing and eye contact; mutually "giving", etc. The sex and connection was amazing. But of course his flames went cold afterwards. He is a workaholic and works in national security so I understand that his job is very consuming. But 36 hours later and I finally received a text asking about the weather 😂No mention of FINALLY consummating our relationship after nearly two decades of build-up; not an ounce of emotional reassurance. The weather!! 😂 I wasn't expecting any declarations of love and commitment, but I was very surprised by the level of coolness. Obviously I have been triggered and have been feeling vulnerable/ sulking. Welcome to the boards...I know exactly what you are speaking of...and it used to drive me bonkers how "casual" it seemed...how disconnected B's texts could come across. I am not sure what exactly drives it.....whether intimacy is too much of a good thing and then he has to pull way back by sending someything so unrelated and non emotional. It sounds like you are handing it well though. I used to gyrate in thought for hours wondering what in that really fantastic evening I had done or said wrong to receive such a non emotional (often felt like a wall went up) text. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 12:59:02 GMT
Oooh...it might seem so "cool", but he might be the type who finds it very difficult to communicate "mushily". For men like that, the effort to text is itself a signal that he's thinking of you.  |
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Post by hotmessexpress on Apr 4, 2018 15:02:35 GMT
I am a Fearful Avoidant and after 17-year *friendship with my Dismissive Avoidant in which we maintained this push/pull chase dynamic but never actually took things to a romantic level....we finally consummated our relationship. We spent about 12 hours making love.... very passionate, lots of kissing and eye contact; mutually "giving", etc. The sex and connection was amazing. But of course his flames went cold afterwards. He is a workaholic and works in national security so I understand that his job is very consuming. But 36 hours later and I finally received a text asking about the weather 😂No mention of FINALLY consummating our relationship after nearly two decades of build-up; not an ounce of emotional reassurance. The weather!! 😂 I wasn't expecting any declarations of love and commitment, but I was very surprised by the level of coolness. Obviously I have been triggered and have been feeling vulnerable/ sulking. Welcome to the boards...I know exactly what you are speaking of...and it used to drive me bonkers how "casual" it seemed...how disconnected B's texts could come across. I am not sure what exactly drives it.....whether intimacy is too much of a good thing and then he has to pull way back by sending someything so unrelated and non emotional. It sounds like you are handing it well though. I used to gyrate in thought for hours wondering what in that really fantastic evening I had done or said wrong to receive such a non emotional (often felt like a wall went up) text. Thanks for the reply! It's oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of thing. I actually haven't been handling it well. I've been in a constant loop inside my head of over-thinking, over-analyzing, worrying, etc. Secures and Anxious/Preoccupied types bring out the majorly Avoidant and dismissive side of me, but this DA is really triggering the "child" inside of me. Doing my best to resist the urge to cling. |
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Post by hotmessexpress on Apr 4, 2018 15:11:06 GMT
Oooh...it might seem so "cool", but he might be the type who finds it very difficult to communicate "mushily". For men like that, the effort to text is itself a signal that he's thinking of you. My reply was equally dull. LOL! I usually just try to mirror his energy. I am wondering if I should send a short & sweet text at some point soon to let him know I'm thinking of him or just continue to wait and let him initiate all of the contact (which is typically our dynamic) Part of me --the part that is being insecure and over analyzing--is wondering if HE is waiting for me to reach out and give him some sort of assurance that I had a nice time with him. The other part of me knows that he is likely busy and not focused on me at all and when he's ready will reach out.) |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 4, 2018 16:55:49 GMT
Welcome to the boards...I know exactly what you are speaking of...and it used to drive me bonkers how "casual" it seemed...how disconnected B's texts could come across. I am not sure what exactly drives it.....whether intimacy is too much of a good thing and then he has to pull way back by sending someything so unrelated and non emotional. It sounds like you are handing it well though. I used to gyrate in thought for hours wondering what in that really fantastic evening I had done or said wrong to receive such a non emotional (often felt like a wall went up) text. Thanks for the reply! It's oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of thing. I actually haven't been handling it well. I've been in a constant loop inside my head of over-thinking, over-analyzing, worrying, etc. Secures and Anxious/Preoccupied types bring out the majorly Avoidant and dismissive side of me, but this DA is really triggering the "child" inside of me. Doing my best to resist the urge to cling. Oh...I understand...a lot of what B did felt like a foreign language to me...and it was in that "uncertainty" that I got triggered. Just remind yourself that your brain is trying to understand something that feels uncertain and as such, it is trying to give you different reasons "why" (although most of them I find are of the negative/doomsday/danger Wil Robinson flavor). It really isn't tied to him per say....that is why the push/pull is maddening...it would be one thing if it was only push...but there is enough pull to keep us hooked. If you already replied...it is his turn. I haven't always been successful at the one text message approach, but I think it is a good rule of thumb. Sending you a hug. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 17:45:48 GMT
My reply was equally dull. LOL! I usually just try to mirror his energy. I am wondering if I should send a short & sweet text at some point soon to let him know I'm thinking of him or just continue to wait and let him initiate all of the contact (which is typically our dynamic) Part of me --the part that is being insecure and over analyzing--is wondering if HE is waiting for me to reach out and give him some sort of assurance that I had a nice time with him. The other part of me knows that he is likely busy and not focused on me at all and when he's ready will reach out.) I think everyone loves a sweet, caring, loving message, without strings attached in any form. Why not send him kind thoughts if you are feeling them? If you have fears, do let him know and maybe suggest a doable "schedule", eg. he can send a text "I'm thinking of you" whenever you cross his mind. This will help reassure you of his feelings, etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 19:04:21 GMT
oh man, if it was amazing i betcha that man would love to hear it. He might be wondering if it was as good for you as it was for him, but i'm all for just being you and not mirroring anything, I realize we are different types of avoidant but that's just my two cents  |
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Post by hotmessexpress on Apr 4, 2018 20:27:46 GMT
oh man, if it was amazing i betcha that man would love to hear it. He might be wondering if it was as good for you as it was for him, but i'm all for just being you and not mirroring anything, I realize we are different types of avoidant but that's just my two cents Juniper, just spent a good 30 min stalking your posts 😂 Your POV is actually really refreshing!! I like hearing from DA's and also think they deserve a lot more credit/empathy than they get. I did have the same thought as you.... that telling him how great it was would feel good to him/ be a nice ego boost. Especially since he was the last to text and I didn't reply (it didn't require a reply) And especially since it's a non-emotional statement. Heck, when it comes down to it.... I know we both want the same thing: more sex. The difference is I would like the reassurance that there is an emotional connection. I don't care about being in a relationship or even seeing him regularly as I get bored easily and love the the "chase" but I do want to know that he "cares" about me on a deeper level. (If that makes sense?) The Fleetwood Mac song "tell me lies" come to mind 😆 He has verbally told me that he wants us to remain in each other's lives "forvever". But getting any deeper than that is like pulling teeth!! 🤷🏻♀️ |
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Post by annieb on Apr 4, 2018 21:20:17 GMT
I think after seventeen years you can text anything you want to this guy. Text him your positive emotions if you have them, and text him your frustrations. What is the worst that can happen?
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Post by hotmessexpress on Apr 4, 2018 22:24:23 GMT
I think after seventeen years you can text anything you want to this guy. Text him your positive emotions if you have them, and text him your frustrations. What is the worst that can happen? You're so right! The fact that I feel uncomfortable doing so is an indication of how surface level we have kept it all this time. He is very good at keeping that protective boundary up. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 22:47:49 GMT
I get it, i so get where you're coming from. I need to ponder how i can express how i view all this, i need to be like goldilocks and make sense lol. This is a problem, when DA feel something deeply but don't have a real conceptualized idea or way to define it. Lots of times i know what i don't want more than what i do. I find this to be true of my DA partner as well. and i can articulate what i don't want more than what i do. i don't want to try to convince you of anything one way or the other, (about him, as i don't know!) other than it's ok to take a risk and say what you think and feel. It sometimes seems as if my DA would like to love me forever ACCIDENTALLY hahaha!!! We don't say we love each other. I will go into that later after i think. There are reasons ppl think we are weird and unknowable, i get it. this answer sucks but i wanted to jump in real quick because i want you to tell him how awesome your encounter was lol. and see what happens. maybe just one little toe in the water. 12 hours?!! you go girl!!! 😁 |
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Post by hotmessexpress on Apr 5, 2018 2:11:38 GMT
I get it, i so get where you're coming from. I need to ponder how i can express how i view all this, i need to be like goldilocks and make sense lol. This is a problem, when DA feel something deeply but don't have a real conceptualized idea or way to define it. Lots of times i know what i don't want more than what i do. I find this to be true of my DA partner as well. and i can articulate what i don't want more than what i do. i don't want to try to convince you of anything one way or the other, (about him, as i don't know!) other than it's ok to take a risk and say what you think and feel. It sometimes seems as if my DA would like to love me forever ACCIDENTALLY hahaha!!! We don't say we love each other. I will go into that later after i think. There are reasons ppl think we are weird and unknowable, i get it. this answer sucks but i wanted to jump in real quick because i want you to tell him how awesome your encounter was lol. and see what happens. maybe just one little toe in the water. 12 hours?!! you go girl!!! 😁 LOL. More of a testament to him than me!! Suffice it to say I was walking funny for a couple days 😆😂 And your answer did not suck!! Again.... I REALLY really enjoy hearing the DA pov!! (Just like I enjoy hearing Narcissist pov because I can actually empathize and just find them to be misunderstood/ unfairly villified) So I took your advice and send a little note saying I had a great time. He replied within less than two minutes saying "You may be out of sight but you're never out of my mind. That was a very memorable evening..." Of course that was exactly the reassurance I was looking for and I feel 1000x better now. If you knew him you would know that even they seemingly simple text is very "mushy" by his standards. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 2:18:58 GMT
I get it, i so get where you're coming from. I need to ponder how i can express how i view all this, i need to be like goldilocks and make sense lol. This is a problem, when DA feel something deeply but don't have a real conceptualized idea or way to define it. Lots of times i know what i don't want more than what i do. I find this to be true of my DA partner as well. and i can articulate what i don't want more than what i do. i don't want to try to convince you of anything one way or the other, (about him, as i don't know!) other than it's ok to take a risk and say what you think and feel. It sometimes seems as if my DA would like to love me forever ACCIDENTALLY hahaha!!! We don't say we love each other. I will go into that later after i think. There are reasons ppl think we are weird and unknowable, i get it. this answer sucks but i wanted to jump in real quick because i want you to tell him how awesome your encounter was lol. and see what happens. maybe just one little toe in the water. 12 hours?!! you go girl!!! 😁 LOL. More of a testament to him than me!! Suffice it to say I was walking funny for a couple days 😆😂 And your answer did not suck!! Again.... I REALLY really enjoy hearing the DA pov!! (Just like I enjoy hearing Narcissist pov because I can actually empathize and just find them to be misunderstood/ unfairly villified) So I took your advice and send a little note saying I had a great time. He replied within less than two minutes saying "You may be out of sight but you're never out of my mind. That was a very memorable evening..." Of course that was exactly the reassurance I was looking for and I feel 1000x better now. If you knew him you would know that even they seemingly simple text is very "mushy" by his standards. you may have read that my partner has non-pathological narcissistic traits, and as i began to understand him more our bond has deepened. only the most malignant cannot access empathy, but that's not the case here and i have deep compassion for him. and we work together and i LOVE his response, and of course i know how mushy it is by DA standards. i thought you might get some reassurance if you gave him some. It is largely thought that DA men are insensitive. I find the opposite to be the real case. And we DA's do need assurance, it feels good. good job!! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 2:32:15 GMT
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