Post by jasmine221 on Oct 4, 2016 12:44:22 GMT
Hi all
I really hope someone can read and advise me on this. I am a pretty secure attacher, thankfully, so I have found it pretty easy to understand and love my "avoidant" but I also need to make a decision on what to do and I am really confused.
I met my avoidant in February and we had a few fantastic dates. He's 42 and seemed to have a normal relationship history. Lots of short term girlfriends in his early twenties and he met his wife and fell in love when he was 25 and married her at 28. They were married for 12 years, and he said he loved her very much, but that he had been a workaholic and was driven by ambition and ended up losing his family because of it - which was not a mistake he intended to make twice. He said he was looking to find a long term life partner and when he did he was going to give it 100% this time around.
We got to know each other very well, lots of late night talks and during that time he let me know that although he had dated 5 or 6 women since his divorce, with me it was different and he felt I was someone he could see himself being with "forever". He told me everything about himself, lots of intimacy and shared thoughts and feelings and he even introduced me to his friends who told me "ah someone finally bagged him" because he'd not introduced any other girl to them in the years since his divorce.
His female friend told me he had done nothing but talk about me, and she befriended me and told me she'd never seen him quite so in love with anybody. There was talk of introducing our children, and at no point did I feel any doubt about how he felt about me or experience any mixed messages. He was completely empathetic and sensitive and open and we were happy.
Then his Mother died.
She was only 64 and had a heart attack. His father had been abusive and not involved in his life and had died 6 years previously. At first when his Mother passed away he turned to me and we became closer. He called me first from the hospital that day, and told me he thought I was his angel and that I'd been sent to him just at that time to give him hope when the lights went out. We talked every day for hours and we were as close as two people could be.
Then her funeral came, and suddenly he withdrew and went very cold.
For the first time, he went a week without contacting me.
Thus ensued a process where over a couple of months there was lots of distancing, lots of hot and cold, lots of mixed messages - but the underlying message was "please don't leave me, I really like you". So I didn't leave. I thought he needed time and space to grieve and so I gave that to him and tried to be as supportive as possible.
But months passed without us seeing each other (always some excuse) and I finally had the conversation and asked him if he wanted to end things. He said "no, no way" and explained to me that he felt that everyone he loved left him or let him down, and that he was afraid I would do the same. He said he had a cold exterior, but with me he was very vulnerable which scared him.
So I was patient, but things started to get worse and not better. It became the norm for him to avoid seeing me, or for him to not talk to me for days and then pop back like nothing happened and I felt very much in limbo. When he did contact me, he was incredibly intimate and sweet, often sending me beautiful song lyrics and making it clear that he was always thinking of me - even when he was gone.
But it was obviously difficult. He was telling me he wanted a future with me, but actually avoiding in every way seeing me and quite often going days without speaking to me. Over time we talked, and I suggested to him that he might have an avoidant attachment style (I have a friend with this problem) and we did some reading online together and he confirmed he was a "fearful avoidant" and he said reading the descriptions explained exactly how he felt (and had felt all his life) -he said that he wanted really badly to be close to me, but at the same time felt unworthy of my love and also very fearful of me leaving him.
So he said it was just easier to be alone.
We observed and discussed that he does some of the distancing techniques in Jeb's books. Not all of them, but some of them. Like going cold after an intimate conversation, avoiding physical contact, refusing to resolve conflicts by giving me the silent treatment, sabotaging etc. etc. and I find if I allow him space and leave him - he ALWAYS comes back, closer than ever, but that he inevitably always goes again and he will only communicate by phone and not in person. He pushes me away and then pulls me back.
If we arrange to meet in person, he ALWAYS picks a fight right before by doing something hurtful and then acting like I am the problem. I have called him on it calmly, explaining to him that he is creating a conflict to avoid seeing me in person and thus being vulnerable, and he knows it to be true and at least admits he is terrified. He has tried to break up with me multiple times, ending things and each time I accepted it and told him if that was what he wanted to go - and he ALWAYS comes back telling me that he can't get me out of his head and he's miserable without me.
I even almost dated someone else a couple of months ago, but he was consumed with jealousy and said he really did not want to lose me.
Now, although I recongnise what is going on, I am pretty seriously conflicted.
We are now 6 months since his Mother died and I have not seen him in person. That situation is insane, and I cannot keep it up.
HE is avoiding intimacy with me, and then pulling it back - which is painful for me, despite me being secure - when he goes away and withdraws, I feel a sense of loss and it hurts me. He is also creating ways to distance himself from me physically (like looking at jobs overseas or creating MORE working hours or extra activities) but he is constantly always telling me I am the woman he wants to marry and grow old with, that I am the only person who can break through his outer shell and see what is inside and that I am closer to him than anybody and he has told everyone he knows about me, including his children, so I know in every way his affection and intentions for me are serious. I just doubt he can actually act on it.
I have sympathy for the amount of grief and confusion he is in - but I also want a flesh and blood boyfriend who is actually consistently there. I don't want to be half loved, or to feel like I never know from day to day if he is going to check out of the relationship. I want to go on dates and do what normal people do and it is hard to be like this and not healthy for either of us.
I don't know what to do, but I am presuming that I need to end things....I just feel like I am abaondoning him. I truly love this man, I really do, so my heart is broken by this situation but he makes these bad choices and despite knowing it and hating himself for it he keeps doing it over and over again. He has such low self esteeem and just refuses to see how safe he is with me.
Can anyone offer me any advice?
I really hope someone can read and advise me on this. I am a pretty secure attacher, thankfully, so I have found it pretty easy to understand and love my "avoidant" but I also need to make a decision on what to do and I am really confused.
I met my avoidant in February and we had a few fantastic dates. He's 42 and seemed to have a normal relationship history. Lots of short term girlfriends in his early twenties and he met his wife and fell in love when he was 25 and married her at 28. They were married for 12 years, and he said he loved her very much, but that he had been a workaholic and was driven by ambition and ended up losing his family because of it - which was not a mistake he intended to make twice. He said he was looking to find a long term life partner and when he did he was going to give it 100% this time around.
We got to know each other very well, lots of late night talks and during that time he let me know that although he had dated 5 or 6 women since his divorce, with me it was different and he felt I was someone he could see himself being with "forever". He told me everything about himself, lots of intimacy and shared thoughts and feelings and he even introduced me to his friends who told me "ah someone finally bagged him" because he'd not introduced any other girl to them in the years since his divorce.
His female friend told me he had done nothing but talk about me, and she befriended me and told me she'd never seen him quite so in love with anybody. There was talk of introducing our children, and at no point did I feel any doubt about how he felt about me or experience any mixed messages. He was completely empathetic and sensitive and open and we were happy.
Then his Mother died.
She was only 64 and had a heart attack. His father had been abusive and not involved in his life and had died 6 years previously. At first when his Mother passed away he turned to me and we became closer. He called me first from the hospital that day, and told me he thought I was his angel and that I'd been sent to him just at that time to give him hope when the lights went out. We talked every day for hours and we were as close as two people could be.
Then her funeral came, and suddenly he withdrew and went very cold.
For the first time, he went a week without contacting me.
Thus ensued a process where over a couple of months there was lots of distancing, lots of hot and cold, lots of mixed messages - but the underlying message was "please don't leave me, I really like you". So I didn't leave. I thought he needed time and space to grieve and so I gave that to him and tried to be as supportive as possible.
But months passed without us seeing each other (always some excuse) and I finally had the conversation and asked him if he wanted to end things. He said "no, no way" and explained to me that he felt that everyone he loved left him or let him down, and that he was afraid I would do the same. He said he had a cold exterior, but with me he was very vulnerable which scared him.
So I was patient, but things started to get worse and not better. It became the norm for him to avoid seeing me, or for him to not talk to me for days and then pop back like nothing happened and I felt very much in limbo. When he did contact me, he was incredibly intimate and sweet, often sending me beautiful song lyrics and making it clear that he was always thinking of me - even when he was gone.
But it was obviously difficult. He was telling me he wanted a future with me, but actually avoiding in every way seeing me and quite often going days without speaking to me. Over time we talked, and I suggested to him that he might have an avoidant attachment style (I have a friend with this problem) and we did some reading online together and he confirmed he was a "fearful avoidant" and he said reading the descriptions explained exactly how he felt (and had felt all his life) -he said that he wanted really badly to be close to me, but at the same time felt unworthy of my love and also very fearful of me leaving him.
So he said it was just easier to be alone.
We observed and discussed that he does some of the distancing techniques in Jeb's books. Not all of them, but some of them. Like going cold after an intimate conversation, avoiding physical contact, refusing to resolve conflicts by giving me the silent treatment, sabotaging etc. etc. and I find if I allow him space and leave him - he ALWAYS comes back, closer than ever, but that he inevitably always goes again and he will only communicate by phone and not in person. He pushes me away and then pulls me back.
If we arrange to meet in person, he ALWAYS picks a fight right before by doing something hurtful and then acting like I am the problem. I have called him on it calmly, explaining to him that he is creating a conflict to avoid seeing me in person and thus being vulnerable, and he knows it to be true and at least admits he is terrified. He has tried to break up with me multiple times, ending things and each time I accepted it and told him if that was what he wanted to go - and he ALWAYS comes back telling me that he can't get me out of his head and he's miserable without me.
I even almost dated someone else a couple of months ago, but he was consumed with jealousy and said he really did not want to lose me.
Now, although I recongnise what is going on, I am pretty seriously conflicted.
We are now 6 months since his Mother died and I have not seen him in person. That situation is insane, and I cannot keep it up.
HE is avoiding intimacy with me, and then pulling it back - which is painful for me, despite me being secure - when he goes away and withdraws, I feel a sense of loss and it hurts me. He is also creating ways to distance himself from me physically (like looking at jobs overseas or creating MORE working hours or extra activities) but he is constantly always telling me I am the woman he wants to marry and grow old with, that I am the only person who can break through his outer shell and see what is inside and that I am closer to him than anybody and he has told everyone he knows about me, including his children, so I know in every way his affection and intentions for me are serious. I just doubt he can actually act on it.
I have sympathy for the amount of grief and confusion he is in - but I also want a flesh and blood boyfriend who is actually consistently there. I don't want to be half loved, or to feel like I never know from day to day if he is going to check out of the relationship. I want to go on dates and do what normal people do and it is hard to be like this and not healthy for either of us.
I don't know what to do, but I am presuming that I need to end things....I just feel like I am abaondoning him. I truly love this man, I really do, so my heart is broken by this situation but he makes these bad choices and despite knowing it and hating himself for it he keeps doing it over and over again. He has such low self esteeem and just refuses to see how safe he is with me.
Can anyone offer me any advice?