Post by tinyrobotman on Apr 16, 2018 21:30:52 GMT
Hi,
So I recently discovered attachment styles as I've been trying to sort through the fallout from the breakdown of what I would call something more than a friendship and less than a relationship with a DA women I've known for eight years. She's also likely slightly Aspergers. I'm interested in thoughts about how to handle this, I'm likely on the AP side of things. Here's my story:
Almost eight years ago I dated a women for about six months. Things sort of fizzled out and went from dating to sort of FWB to a few hook ups and hanging out. It seemed like I was always trying to figure out where she stood on the relationship and didn't receive much assurance back and not a lot of feedback on what she needed. It seemed like every date was almost like starting over especially with physical intimacy and figuring out if she was into what I was doing in the bedroom. Over the course of the six months neither of us told each other we loved each other. After the relationship ended we became friends and would hang out, go out to dinner and became very emotionally open and supportive with each other and what was happening in our lives. Over the last seven years we became closer and closer and really became true best friends and emotional confidants. We had our inside jokes, would text everyday and spend around three days a week together. We both dated people, but nothing ever seemed to go anywhere for either of us. We would talk about building a house or duplex together with two "wings". She seemed to always want me close, but not too close. A few years ago we even spent a couple of night cuddling in bed together. However she would be clear to say I shouldn't be confused by spending the night cuddling. I spent a lot of time doing things for her around the house and in most ways we were almost like boyfriend and girlfriend. Her body language was always very intimate and open with me. A few years ago I realized I was starting to have feelings for my friend. When I brought it up in a sort of "hey why aren't we a thing we are so close" kind of way she would go sort of blank and just said that she just didn't feel that way about me and I would just let it go.
This sort of non-relationship relationship went on this way until a few months ago when she met a guy she really clicked with. All of a sudden I was completely heartbroken that I losing the most important person in my life. When she told me she didn't seem to have a clue that this would be devastating to me and during this whole thing she's been very emotionless and said things like "I can keep my emotions separate". I took some time apart from her to try and recover. However the next time I saw her I completely lost it (she tried to comfort me, but it seemed weirdly forced, like she knew that's what she was supposed to do but didn't really understand it). I'm now taking more time apart, however I recently had a relapse and texted her looking for reassurance. She responded with a brutal text along the lines of I can't be there for you, you choose to take time apart and it's unfair of you to expect anything from me. Looking for answers to her behavior both during this "breakup" and our years as "friends" lead me to read about attachment style and particularly avoidants.
Looking back I see that she's strongly DA with some FA tendencies. She would always talk about how independent she is, how her parents never helped her and how much she admired strong individualists and selfishness (think Any Rand). She likes to work alone, has said she doesn't know if she could live with someone. She bristles at the idea of anyone relying on her and hates babies. She lacks empathy to a shocking degree. She would always find fault with people she dated and was looking for the perfect "soulmate" but she was always pessimistic that she would ever find anyone. She's been basically single for a very long time. I remember there was one guy she dated who would have been great for her, very patient introspective guy but there were little things he did that she used that as a reason she wasn't attracted to him. Also, she kept saying, he's great but I wish he would quit telling me he loves me. Her family history is a real mess as well and she grew up in an abusive home. All seems like it points to her being strongly avoidant?
I found myself wondering why she didn't become attracted to me or want to explore a relationship when her an I became very close (perhaps closer than in my previous long term relationship). It's not like we were never physical in the past so I don't think she finds me repulsive and no she's not out of my league. We got along great and had closely aligned life goals and values but she just always seemed to have this barrier up about her and I committing and having any physical relationship. She would tell me that we could share a house but couldn't ever have sex. When I would start dating someone she would always joke about how my date would steal her away from her but she would never make a bid for me. It seems she was very happy to have me there as a substitute boyfriend for all this years as long as I never wanted a commitment or a real relationship or really asked her for anything at all. We always had to accommodate her preferences in whatever we did (often they aligned but still). Looking at it from the attachment point of view it seems like she couldn't handle the idea of becoming dependent on someone so close to her? Also I'm guessing my own AP traits prevented me from pushing the issue for fear she would end our "friendship". I tend to be timid when asking for what I need in a relationship and don't want to rock the boat.
The question is what do I do now? I feel like she was just using me all these years until someone who she can idealize as being the "one" came along. Honestly I almost feel bad for the guy she's seeing. She already has a laundry list of things he's going to have to change to accommodate her and she is sure "it won't work out because it never does". The minute I asked for something and created a bit of emotional turmoil between her and I she just tossed me aside both on a fake relationship level and a best friends for 7 years level. I almost feels like her and I's "whatever it was" for so many years was just a lie.
Was my AP self being set off by all this or did I really love her?
Should I just cut all ties and do my best to move on or somehow try and salvage a friendship out of this disaster?
Honestly this feels worse than any breakups of real relationships I've been in because it feels so out of the blue and so unnecessary. Thanks,
- Tiny
So I recently discovered attachment styles as I've been trying to sort through the fallout from the breakdown of what I would call something more than a friendship and less than a relationship with a DA women I've known for eight years. She's also likely slightly Aspergers. I'm interested in thoughts about how to handle this, I'm likely on the AP side of things. Here's my story:
Almost eight years ago I dated a women for about six months. Things sort of fizzled out and went from dating to sort of FWB to a few hook ups and hanging out. It seemed like I was always trying to figure out where she stood on the relationship and didn't receive much assurance back and not a lot of feedback on what she needed. It seemed like every date was almost like starting over especially with physical intimacy and figuring out if she was into what I was doing in the bedroom. Over the course of the six months neither of us told each other we loved each other. After the relationship ended we became friends and would hang out, go out to dinner and became very emotionally open and supportive with each other and what was happening in our lives. Over the last seven years we became closer and closer and really became true best friends and emotional confidants. We had our inside jokes, would text everyday and spend around three days a week together. We both dated people, but nothing ever seemed to go anywhere for either of us. We would talk about building a house or duplex together with two "wings". She seemed to always want me close, but not too close. A few years ago we even spent a couple of night cuddling in bed together. However she would be clear to say I shouldn't be confused by spending the night cuddling. I spent a lot of time doing things for her around the house and in most ways we were almost like boyfriend and girlfriend. Her body language was always very intimate and open with me. A few years ago I realized I was starting to have feelings for my friend. When I brought it up in a sort of "hey why aren't we a thing we are so close" kind of way she would go sort of blank and just said that she just didn't feel that way about me and I would just let it go.
This sort of non-relationship relationship went on this way until a few months ago when she met a guy she really clicked with. All of a sudden I was completely heartbroken that I losing the most important person in my life. When she told me she didn't seem to have a clue that this would be devastating to me and during this whole thing she's been very emotionless and said things like "I can keep my emotions separate". I took some time apart from her to try and recover. However the next time I saw her I completely lost it (she tried to comfort me, but it seemed weirdly forced, like she knew that's what she was supposed to do but didn't really understand it). I'm now taking more time apart, however I recently had a relapse and texted her looking for reassurance. She responded with a brutal text along the lines of I can't be there for you, you choose to take time apart and it's unfair of you to expect anything from me. Looking for answers to her behavior both during this "breakup" and our years as "friends" lead me to read about attachment style and particularly avoidants.
Looking back I see that she's strongly DA with some FA tendencies. She would always talk about how independent she is, how her parents never helped her and how much she admired strong individualists and selfishness (think Any Rand). She likes to work alone, has said she doesn't know if she could live with someone. She bristles at the idea of anyone relying on her and hates babies. She lacks empathy to a shocking degree. She would always find fault with people she dated and was looking for the perfect "soulmate" but she was always pessimistic that she would ever find anyone. She's been basically single for a very long time. I remember there was one guy she dated who would have been great for her, very patient introspective guy but there were little things he did that she used that as a reason she wasn't attracted to him. Also, she kept saying, he's great but I wish he would quit telling me he loves me. Her family history is a real mess as well and she grew up in an abusive home. All seems like it points to her being strongly avoidant?
I found myself wondering why she didn't become attracted to me or want to explore a relationship when her an I became very close (perhaps closer than in my previous long term relationship). It's not like we were never physical in the past so I don't think she finds me repulsive and no she's not out of my league. We got along great and had closely aligned life goals and values but she just always seemed to have this barrier up about her and I committing and having any physical relationship. She would tell me that we could share a house but couldn't ever have sex. When I would start dating someone she would always joke about how my date would steal her away from her but she would never make a bid for me. It seems she was very happy to have me there as a substitute boyfriend for all this years as long as I never wanted a commitment or a real relationship or really asked her for anything at all. We always had to accommodate her preferences in whatever we did (often they aligned but still). Looking at it from the attachment point of view it seems like she couldn't handle the idea of becoming dependent on someone so close to her? Also I'm guessing my own AP traits prevented me from pushing the issue for fear she would end our "friendship". I tend to be timid when asking for what I need in a relationship and don't want to rock the boat.
The question is what do I do now? I feel like she was just using me all these years until someone who she can idealize as being the "one" came along. Honestly I almost feel bad for the guy she's seeing. She already has a laundry list of things he's going to have to change to accommodate her and she is sure "it won't work out because it never does". The minute I asked for something and created a bit of emotional turmoil between her and I she just tossed me aside both on a fake relationship level and a best friends for 7 years level. I almost feels like her and I's "whatever it was" for so many years was just a lie.
Was my AP self being set off by all this or did I really love her?
Should I just cut all ties and do my best to move on or somehow try and salvage a friendship out of this disaster?
Honestly this feels worse than any breakups of real relationships I've been in because it feels so out of the blue and so unnecessary. Thanks,
- Tiny
