flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 4, 2018 4:50:43 GMT
Update on the update: So I decided to choose option #1 and try to be her friend only. I think in some ways this could be a good challenge for me to work toward being more secure and learn to calm my attachment impluses and set boundaries. I don't believe that trying to break out of the friend zone with her is possible or might not even be a good idea. So her and met up and talked the other day. She was very happy to see me after 2 months of NC. We had a great talk and even got into attachment theory which she was open too hearing about. Overall a good evening but felt a bit triggered by the end with a lot of deep emotional conversation. I have to keep bringing myself back around to knowing there's someone out there who will love me back and it's not her. My friend loves me like a brother and I need to be happy about that. Still its hard to not want to just partner up with your best friend when that feeling comes on. Obviously still work to do on myself. If you read your thread from start to finish it's INCREDIBLE how far you've come! Even though you were triggered, you are aware of it. Someone on here (@curious maybe?) gave me the great advice that the best time to work on your triggers is WHEN you are triggered, so I think you're doing great and am inspired. |
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Post by tinyrobotman on May 5, 2018 23:04:23 GMT
Thanks flic! It's been a real journey. Knowledge is power as they say. Hopefully I can give back to the forum as others have to me. It's so important to remember all of us insecurely attached folks AD, FA, AP are just good people who got dealt some crappy wiring for relationships. Yes, I believe when you're (maybe mildly) triggered is a good time to step back and practice being mindful. I'm hopeful that I can get to a point where I'd call myself pseudo secure =)
It's funny after learning about attachment theory I've started to see it in all my friends relationships. Sort of entertaining in a way and good way to study it in the real world. I have one set of married friends that are the textbook extreme anxious avoidant trap. They've been miserable together for years! She literally throws tantrums like a toddler and he just blows her off completely. Then I have another set of friends that have been happily married for 25+ years and they're so obviously secure.
My friend and I met up a second night and went further into things including attachment and what happened between up. At first she claimed she was secure, because she so "strong and independent with high standards" =) but she started to see her avoidant traits as we talked further. She's actually a very emotionally open person when she's doesn't feel her independence being encroached upon. I now believe she's probably FA with a few DA behaviors since she so wants connection and a relationship but just can't let it in. Our evening was really good and I feel like our friendship is back which is great! I was able to not be trigger that night as I stayed mindful and felt her love for me as a friend again. I'm setting a boundary of 1 or 2 nights a week for myself with her because otherwise I think we will slip into our old dynamic.
Ironic thing triggered me today though. I logged onto an online dating site and she popped up as my top match! In a city of 2 million people it's hard as an AP not to think "it must be fate, why doesn't she see it!" and then start getting anxious again. Just need to keep going back to what my therapist keeps harping on which is that there is someone out there who will be as all in on me as I am on them and I shouldn't settle for less.
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Post by tinyrobotman on Jun 18, 2018 2:54:09 GMT
Well it's been a while but things have not exactly gone well. Shortly after my last post her and I went to dinner at our favorite restaurant and had an amazing night. Everything was just like things used to be, laughing, drinking and talking for hours sitting side by side at the bar. She talked at length about all the important things we'd shared over so many years. By the end of the night I even thought I picked up on some chemistry from her. There was just something different about her body language that night (at least in my mind). She texted me immediately when she got home about how quickly dinner seemed to go by and repeated a similar comment in the morning. Felt very "date" like to me. Well the day after she started texting me a bunch of drama about the guy and how rejected she felt and how she wants to reach out to him (they had been NC since they broke up over the "male friends issue"). That night I went to her place to talk, even though I knew I shouldn't. She proceeded to go into how she was going to reach out to him and try and fly back to meet him again that weekend. Of course this all triggered me even though I had been trying to set boundaries and keep things on a friend level. I made some offhand comment at the end of the evening that I though I had noticed some chemistry at dinner, which of course she dismissed (it certainly could have been all in my head, I'm AP after all or it could be she was suppressing it being DA/FA).
Anyway so she reaches out and the guy starts some classic AP manipulative protest crap of "he's too busy, has plan every night" etc. Which triggers her into a full on AP state. Typical anxious/avoidant trap in action. She fly's back and they I assume patch things up. When she returns she texts me that we can't hang out as friends anymore in light of my comment about the "chemistry" at dinner. No explanation just a two line text to end an 8 year friendship bordering on a relationship, which triggers the crap out of me and I went into the full on giant emotional email and texting mode. She then basically gave me the "we had a close friendship and all the emotions are bad and we need to take some space" text and that it's such a problem that I have feeling for her etc. Says she's sorting through stuff with the guy (read ditching me like he wanted). Anyway, needless to say I feel used and angry. She wanted me around every night when she got dumped and then when our friendship became an issue with her getting back together with this guy she ditches me with a two line text. She really doesn't consider others feelings when she does something, it's all about her, very self centered. Anyway, in a way I'm glad to be away from her drama, but I still feel abandon and am grieving the possibly of having her as a partner and our friendship.
It's been 5 weeks of NC now. Every few days I have spells where it takes all my strength to maintain NC. I have a good therapist now which has been helpful. My therapist has helped me realize that a lot of my issue stems from poor self esteem. My friendship with this women was always on her terms, not that she wasn't a good friend to me, but that I was willing to settle for less than I wanted and not tell her clearly what I wanted because I was fearful of rejection. My friend got to have me as basically a partner without the sex or commitment, perfect for a DA/FA (and to be fair I got that partnership from her as well and I do appreciate that, however I was settling for less than I wanted). However when someone else came along I had to fall by the wayside without much consideration of how attached I had become to her. If I can develop my self esteem more I won't settle for that kind of one sided relationship.
Anyway, I'm working on making some changes in my life to simplify, aligning things more to my values and getting my shattered confidence back. With a little space I'm starting to see a lot more of her negative traits such as her fearful nature, self centeredness and lack of empathy (try to take her off the pedestal), which really are a lot of the reasons I broke off our dating relationship 7 years ago.
I do miss her deeply, she's a very unique creature, as someone commented "my muse". Not sure where to go from here? Is NC the best solution? My therapist doesn't think her new relationship will last (major practical road blocks, strong anxious/avoidant dynamic and they've already broken up once). However my therapist also thinks my friend being DA/FA the idea of her and I becoming a couple is way to emotionally scary for her and I need to let her go. What do I do if she contacts me at some point? How do I know if I'm ever ready to have her back in my life as an acquaintance? I don't want to just get used for emotional support and discarded again.
This has probably been even harder than the breakup I had with my long term ex many years ago. My ex had some cluster B personality disorder issues and did some awful things so it was easier to be angry and detach. It's still easy to think fondly of my friend and hope for a future together. Ugh.
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