Post by aubreyap on Apr 20, 2018 1:48:05 GMT
Hey guys!
I am having a hard time dealing with a guy that I have been investing in emotionally for 9 months. We do not have an official relationship as he will not put titles on it, but he tells me I am the closest person to him and I am the person he talks to and shares with the most. He has not been in a relationship for 9 years and I am beginning to understand that this is how he operates as he is not able to offer real intimacy and everything is on his terms (he must be in control). He does not offer empathy which is what is needed to make a relationship work.
We talk on the phone at least 3 times a week and text and use snap chat for the remaining days. Lately, I have realized that it is harder and harder for him to open up which causes me to ask him questions and he does not like being asked questions. I will skip to our final conversation bc it is too long to describe the whole back story behind the “relationship” just know that my counselor believes he is either an extreme avoidant or NPD.
He is a traveling welder and he is only home 4 months out of the year. He told me on our last phone conversation that his job was about to end and he would be back home (where I live) for the next month. I asked him if he would be able to make some time for me since the last time he was home was Dec. 5th (the last time I saw him). I assumed this was a normal question to ask someone that you have been talking to almost everyday and the fact that they said you were one of the closest people to them. He responded angrily and said that I was on the bottom of the priority list and that he probably would not be able to see him. I sounded hurt when he said this, and asked “so you can’t even see me for 2 hours when you are home?” He immediately said he was getting irritated and he was hanging up. Before I was able to say anything else he had hung up the phone on me.
An hour later he texted me, “I could tell you were hurt so I want to explain myself”. He sent me a list of all the things that he needed to accomplish and why he would not be able to see me when he was home. I texted him and let him know that I understand that he has priorities and I had been looking forward to seeing him (bc we had talked about it before in previous convos) but it’s ok if he could not make it happen. I’ll let him contact me if he wanted to see me and I would drop it. I then began to apologize for my behavior (I guess pushing to see him?) and let him know that I never meant to irritate him and that I had nothing, but positive feelings for him.
He then said that I needed to work on always pushing him for more communication and for wanting to see him. I apologized again bc I didn’t know what else to say. I then tried to explain myself and tell him about my anxious attachment and that I had been trying to help myself by seeing a counselor for the last two months. I told him I was working on myself and was trying to better myself.
He waited 15 hours to respond and said, “ I always knew you were damaged. From now on we will only speak on the phone for 20 minutes and we will only discuss day to day activities or fun stories, but nothing deeper than that!” I asked him why and he said that the longer he talks to me the more curious I get with my questions and he finds himself being worked up.
This really hurt my feelings bc he had become one of my confidantes and at times we used to share so much with each other until he would get uncomfortable and distance himself and then come back. It was push and pull... always!
I told him that my feelings were really hurt and I wanted to talk to him about this and it could even be via text, but I just wanted some kind of understanding since he had pulled a 180 on me. He said he would consider it and then proceeded to ignore me for the next 48 hours. I got anxious and sent him a video snap chat asking if he could please talk to me about things bc I felt unsettled and I really wanted to work it out and see if there was anything I could do to make it better and that I wasn’t completely sure what was bothering him... also that I felt like he was ignoring me, but maybe that wasn’t his intent. I was just looking for answers. He viewed the videos, but never responded. It has now been 4 days and there has been nothing, but radio silence.
I stopped contacting him after sending the video snap chat bc if he didn’t care that I was obviously tearfully upset then what was the point.
I don’t understand why a grown 32 year old man would refuse to communicate and just let me know what is wrong even if it is hard to hear. This “relationship” has made me so anxious and worried from the beginning and half of the reason why I decided to finally go to therapy. Obviously, the issues stem from my childhood and raising, but this whole ordeal has been really detrimental to my self worth.
I am having a hard time dealing with a guy that I have been investing in emotionally for 9 months. We do not have an official relationship as he will not put titles on it, but he tells me I am the closest person to him and I am the person he talks to and shares with the most. He has not been in a relationship for 9 years and I am beginning to understand that this is how he operates as he is not able to offer real intimacy and everything is on his terms (he must be in control). He does not offer empathy which is what is needed to make a relationship work.
We talk on the phone at least 3 times a week and text and use snap chat for the remaining days. Lately, I have realized that it is harder and harder for him to open up which causes me to ask him questions and he does not like being asked questions. I will skip to our final conversation bc it is too long to describe the whole back story behind the “relationship” just know that my counselor believes he is either an extreme avoidant or NPD.
He is a traveling welder and he is only home 4 months out of the year. He told me on our last phone conversation that his job was about to end and he would be back home (where I live) for the next month. I asked him if he would be able to make some time for me since the last time he was home was Dec. 5th (the last time I saw him). I assumed this was a normal question to ask someone that you have been talking to almost everyday and the fact that they said you were one of the closest people to them. He responded angrily and said that I was on the bottom of the priority list and that he probably would not be able to see him. I sounded hurt when he said this, and asked “so you can’t even see me for 2 hours when you are home?” He immediately said he was getting irritated and he was hanging up. Before I was able to say anything else he had hung up the phone on me.
An hour later he texted me, “I could tell you were hurt so I want to explain myself”. He sent me a list of all the things that he needed to accomplish and why he would not be able to see me when he was home. I texted him and let him know that I understand that he has priorities and I had been looking forward to seeing him (bc we had talked about it before in previous convos) but it’s ok if he could not make it happen. I’ll let him contact me if he wanted to see me and I would drop it. I then began to apologize for my behavior (I guess pushing to see him?) and let him know that I never meant to irritate him and that I had nothing, but positive feelings for him.
He then said that I needed to work on always pushing him for more communication and for wanting to see him. I apologized again bc I didn’t know what else to say. I then tried to explain myself and tell him about my anxious attachment and that I had been trying to help myself by seeing a counselor for the last two months. I told him I was working on myself and was trying to better myself.
He waited 15 hours to respond and said, “ I always knew you were damaged. From now on we will only speak on the phone for 20 minutes and we will only discuss day to day activities or fun stories, but nothing deeper than that!” I asked him why and he said that the longer he talks to me the more curious I get with my questions and he finds himself being worked up.
This really hurt my feelings bc he had become one of my confidantes and at times we used to share so much with each other until he would get uncomfortable and distance himself and then come back. It was push and pull... always!
I told him that my feelings were really hurt and I wanted to talk to him about this and it could even be via text, but I just wanted some kind of understanding since he had pulled a 180 on me. He said he would consider it and then proceeded to ignore me for the next 48 hours. I got anxious and sent him a video snap chat asking if he could please talk to me about things bc I felt unsettled and I really wanted to work it out and see if there was anything I could do to make it better and that I wasn’t completely sure what was bothering him... also that I felt like he was ignoring me, but maybe that wasn’t his intent. I was just looking for answers. He viewed the videos, but never responded. It has now been 4 days and there has been nothing, but radio silence.
I stopped contacting him after sending the video snap chat bc if he didn’t care that I was obviously tearfully upset then what was the point.
I don’t understand why a grown 32 year old man would refuse to communicate and just let me know what is wrong even if it is hard to hear. This “relationship” has made me so anxious and worried from the beginning and half of the reason why I decided to finally go to therapy. Obviously, the issues stem from my childhood and raising, but this whole ordeal has been really detrimental to my self worth.
