Post by cogs74 on May 2, 2018 3:55:02 GMT
I'm 41 days into no contact with my ex. I've been reading these boards and anything over the past few months that provides a little comfort and escape. It's basically become an addiction. I'm a 44 year old male who is coming out of a relationship with a 32 year old DA female. I test out as an FA but have been secure in relationships in the past. This isn't my 1st go around with grieving but I hadn't been in a relationship in about 10 years. I've just been picking partners that deep down I knew weren't gonna go anywhere. This recent relationship represented me trying to put on my big boy pants. My DA, I'll call her L, has a 5 year old and is 5th grade teacher. We met online, it was the 1st date from this particular site that you have to pay for. By all standards, I'm a well thought of, neurotic, charming, funny guy. But being 44 and not having any relationship longer than 2 years I know raises some eyebrows. Just for frame of reference, I'm 5'6, so player status has always been out.
L has a 5 year daughter, hx of childhood trauma, and is a real INTJ/introvert. Although at this point, I don't even feel like I know her anymore. The story goes like this, met in November 2016 and a nice honeymooon period. We did some travelling, she met my family, and I spent time with her daughter as things progressed. Early on I was always anxious that I needed to be direct and honest with her. She has a child and the scene from Jerry Maguire and not shoplifting always resonated with me. The dates are still kind of hazy but I recall telling her in the early summer that "I was half in/half out". I've been such a passive aggressive communicator my whole life and I felt like I had to let her know where I was at. Mind you, up to this point I ignored any emotional incongruencies. I was aware that she was not emotionally available but I felt like in time she would open up. Also at this point I didn't know anything about DA and am still uncertain whether or not I told her I was 1/2 in 1/2 out because I felt her pulling away and wanted reassurance or what but I said it. She curled up on her bed and told me sadly that I could leave but I stayed.
We stayed together up until early November but I guess the relationship started to get worse. We had 1-2 fake break ups but they didn't last more than a day. Our pattern was that we would get in a fight/argument, and then she would shut down and then tell me she needed some space. Whenever we would get in argument I would get emotional and not even really be listening. I wanted her to act like she was excited to see me and invested in what we were doing, but she never really seemed to be. Again, these memories are kind of hazy but I know 2 things: I wasn't getting the re-assurance I didn't want to accept that I needed and that trust was not the same.
Prior to breaking up in November we had a nice sex life, not crazy, but nice. I believe that she hasn't had too many intimate sexual experiences rather more partying and f-----g. She told me after sex one time in an emotionally disconnected voice, "It's nice to actually to be connected" or something along those lines. It's all so confusing.
I broke up with her in early November over the phone. We were talking and I felt like I had to get out of the relationship because it wasn't good for either one. After talking for awhile I told her in a firm, decisive voice, "I'm not gonna step up and be the man you need". So from there we didn"t really speak for about 30 days. That Friday after breaking up I was drinking at home and accidently dialed her number instead of my friends. As I recall it really was an accident. I hung up before she could answer. Later that night she texted "You rang" and I texted back "Sorry it was a mistake"
So over the course of the next month I was just doing my thing as a single guy again. Nothing crazy but smoked weed for awhile and just kind of reverted back to pre-L lifestyle. About 3.5 weeks in I started to really ask myself what I was doing. I had stopped smoking so my head was clear. I started to realize that I wanted and needed to overcome my issues and be both feet in. I reallty started to unravel internally. I didn't know what to do or who to go to. I reached out to a female work colleague and she told me to text her and ask her if "we could talk".
I did and she called me on her way home from teaching. It was so nice to hear her voice that I don't really remember the specifics but I told her I felt like I made a mistake. At the end of the conversation she said she wanted to work on herself. I was really upset. A few days later she texted me because her daughter had a bad rash and at time I was working in an ER so she asked if I could show some of the Docs the pixs. I did and they told her she needed some cream and that it would be ok. I offered to pick it up and bring it over to her that night. She was reluctant but said ok. I took it over there and she was a different person. Very cold and distant. I know that she must have been upset. I grovelled, told her how much I loved her and wanted to be both feet in. Over the course of the next 2 months we gradually spent time together but it was never the same. I bought her and daughter xmas presents and wanted her to know that I was all in. We were intimate only 1 time up til she broke it off on Feb 12th. She really was more detached from the relationship. We spent my bday, new years eve, and a few other times together but I was starting to feel like I was getting less and less of her. She had been to visit some of her ex's family and when came back sent them flowers but didn't do anything for my bday. She asked me what I wanted to do for it and I said "go out to dinner with you and your daughter".
We had an argument over the phone on 2/11. I recently left a full time job and am able to create my own schedule. I was trying to get a night on the calendar every week where we could have dinner/tea/netlix...whatever. She was resistant bc her schedule of work and her child doesn't leave her much time. Conversation was hazy because all I was hearing was no and feeling rejected. Although looking back I think she offered Friday, but I was so emotional. Again, I stated "I'm not gonna provide for you". It was the same tone as when I had broken up with her. The next day she said she needed to step-back and just be friends. I acted like was ok. I sent her purple roses for Valentine's Day, and she thanked me. That Sunday I texted her "It makes me really sad the way things turned out". She didn't respond and we didn't have any communication for about the next 30 days.
Mid March I texted her and asked if we could talk. She asked me what I wanted to talk about. I asked her how her and her littel one were doing and that I wanted to fight for the relationship and step up and be there for her and her daughter. What a fucking mess I am. She texted back "we're good and right now I don't want to be in a relationship. I want to be alone". I texted back "Thanks for getting back to me, I know my text must make your skin crawl but I wanted you to know how I felt. I understand where you're at". That was pretty much it. To me, it was a firm I'm not interested anymore but I'm letting you down nicely". When I got her text back it really hurt but I knew I needed to see those words. The next night I got excited because I got a LinkedIn invite from her. My gut was that she was trying to stay connected but then I realized she must have er-done her profile and blasted it out. Who knows.
So it's been 41 days since we've spoken. I'm in therapy 2x per week, I exercise, and obsessively reading these boards and anything that will give relief.
So I know from the sound of it I didn't play up her being a DA. But she is. But am I an asshole? There's no infidelity that I know of but who knows. I defriended her from FB and never accepted her LinkedIn request.
This posting is not how I thought it would go but it's something. I want to be with her, I love her for who she is and in my dreams she would meet me halfway. She's an unaware DA and has very self assured exterior and does not do vulnerability. Only a few times, can count them on one hand did she say she knows she can be tough to be with. I know this is an inside job.
My hope from this posting was to get some relief. I would love some support and female DA insight and questions for clarity. I know this is all over the place and really doesn't paint a picture of the whole story.
L has a 5 year daughter, hx of childhood trauma, and is a real INTJ/introvert. Although at this point, I don't even feel like I know her anymore. The story goes like this, met in November 2016 and a nice honeymooon period. We did some travelling, she met my family, and I spent time with her daughter as things progressed. Early on I was always anxious that I needed to be direct and honest with her. She has a child and the scene from Jerry Maguire and not shoplifting always resonated with me. The dates are still kind of hazy but I recall telling her in the early summer that "I was half in/half out". I've been such a passive aggressive communicator my whole life and I felt like I had to let her know where I was at. Mind you, up to this point I ignored any emotional incongruencies. I was aware that she was not emotionally available but I felt like in time she would open up. Also at this point I didn't know anything about DA and am still uncertain whether or not I told her I was 1/2 in 1/2 out because I felt her pulling away and wanted reassurance or what but I said it. She curled up on her bed and told me sadly that I could leave but I stayed.
We stayed together up until early November but I guess the relationship started to get worse. We had 1-2 fake break ups but they didn't last more than a day. Our pattern was that we would get in a fight/argument, and then she would shut down and then tell me she needed some space. Whenever we would get in argument I would get emotional and not even really be listening. I wanted her to act like she was excited to see me and invested in what we were doing, but she never really seemed to be. Again, these memories are kind of hazy but I know 2 things: I wasn't getting the re-assurance I didn't want to accept that I needed and that trust was not the same.
Prior to breaking up in November we had a nice sex life, not crazy, but nice. I believe that she hasn't had too many intimate sexual experiences rather more partying and f-----g. She told me after sex one time in an emotionally disconnected voice, "It's nice to actually to be connected" or something along those lines. It's all so confusing.
I broke up with her in early November over the phone. We were talking and I felt like I had to get out of the relationship because it wasn't good for either one. After talking for awhile I told her in a firm, decisive voice, "I'm not gonna step up and be the man you need". So from there we didn"t really speak for about 30 days. That Friday after breaking up I was drinking at home and accidently dialed her number instead of my friends. As I recall it really was an accident. I hung up before she could answer. Later that night she texted "You rang" and I texted back "Sorry it was a mistake"
So over the course of the next month I was just doing my thing as a single guy again. Nothing crazy but smoked weed for awhile and just kind of reverted back to pre-L lifestyle. About 3.5 weeks in I started to really ask myself what I was doing. I had stopped smoking so my head was clear. I started to realize that I wanted and needed to overcome my issues and be both feet in. I reallty started to unravel internally. I didn't know what to do or who to go to. I reached out to a female work colleague and she told me to text her and ask her if "we could talk".
I did and she called me on her way home from teaching. It was so nice to hear her voice that I don't really remember the specifics but I told her I felt like I made a mistake. At the end of the conversation she said she wanted to work on herself. I was really upset. A few days later she texted me because her daughter had a bad rash and at time I was working in an ER so she asked if I could show some of the Docs the pixs. I did and they told her she needed some cream and that it would be ok. I offered to pick it up and bring it over to her that night. She was reluctant but said ok. I took it over there and she was a different person. Very cold and distant. I know that she must have been upset. I grovelled, told her how much I loved her and wanted to be both feet in. Over the course of the next 2 months we gradually spent time together but it was never the same. I bought her and daughter xmas presents and wanted her to know that I was all in. We were intimate only 1 time up til she broke it off on Feb 12th. She really was more detached from the relationship. We spent my bday, new years eve, and a few other times together but I was starting to feel like I was getting less and less of her. She had been to visit some of her ex's family and when came back sent them flowers but didn't do anything for my bday. She asked me what I wanted to do for it and I said "go out to dinner with you and your daughter".
We had an argument over the phone on 2/11. I recently left a full time job and am able to create my own schedule. I was trying to get a night on the calendar every week where we could have dinner/tea/netlix...whatever. She was resistant bc her schedule of work and her child doesn't leave her much time. Conversation was hazy because all I was hearing was no and feeling rejected. Although looking back I think she offered Friday, but I was so emotional. Again, I stated "I'm not gonna provide for you". It was the same tone as when I had broken up with her. The next day she said she needed to step-back and just be friends. I acted like was ok. I sent her purple roses for Valentine's Day, and she thanked me. That Sunday I texted her "It makes me really sad the way things turned out". She didn't respond and we didn't have any communication for about the next 30 days.
Mid March I texted her and asked if we could talk. She asked me what I wanted to talk about. I asked her how her and her littel one were doing and that I wanted to fight for the relationship and step up and be there for her and her daughter. What a fucking mess I am. She texted back "we're good and right now I don't want to be in a relationship. I want to be alone". I texted back "Thanks for getting back to me, I know my text must make your skin crawl but I wanted you to know how I felt. I understand where you're at". That was pretty much it. To me, it was a firm I'm not interested anymore but I'm letting you down nicely". When I got her text back it really hurt but I knew I needed to see those words. The next night I got excited because I got a LinkedIn invite from her. My gut was that she was trying to stay connected but then I realized she must have er-done her profile and blasted it out. Who knows.
So it's been 41 days since we've spoken. I'm in therapy 2x per week, I exercise, and obsessively reading these boards and anything that will give relief.
So I know from the sound of it I didn't play up her being a DA. But she is. But am I an asshole? There's no infidelity that I know of but who knows. I defriended her from FB and never accepted her LinkedIn request.
This posting is not how I thought it would go but it's something. I want to be with her, I love her for who she is and in my dreams she would meet me halfway. She's an unaware DA and has very self assured exterior and does not do vulnerability. Only a few times, can count them on one hand did she say she knows she can be tough to be with. I know this is an inside job.
My hope from this posting was to get some relief. I would love some support and female DA insight and questions for clarity. I know this is all over the place and really doesn't paint a picture of the whole story.
