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Post by cogs74 on May 3, 2018 20:37:08 GMT
Scheme00, thanks for the video link. It was very comforting.
You're a good dude!
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Post by kelvain on May 3, 2018 21:53:35 GMT
Hey Cogs74. Sorry for this horror you are going through. However, in hopes to help you manage the pain more effectively, I HIGHLY recommend you watch a lot of Coach Craig Kenneth as scheme00 offered. It helped me immensely.
In short, I dated a DA for 10 years. We planned to get engaged this past Easter and married this coming November. She finally also had me move in with her (I sold my house to do so). After living together for about 2 months, she detached and dumped me right before Christmas.
BUT... The great news is that although I was crushed and thought it was the end for me, I was wrong. I got over her after realizing she wasn't right for me. AND I am super happy now and my new girlfriend is crazy awesome and treats me like I always wished my ex DA would treat me.
My point is that although things really suck a** right now, there is always hope of a new path that you wouldn't expect.
As for your ex DA... If she is telling you that she needs space, you have to give it to her. Stick to No Contact and let her contact you. You will heal and become stronger every day. And if and when she does contact you, keep it light. Don't throw up all over her with your feelings and proclamations of undying love for her. Take her out. Show her a good time. Make her laugh. But DO NOT PRESSURE HER! You will only succeed in scaring her away when you do end up taking her out again.
Heck, you may even end up like me and come to realize you aren't interested in your ex anymore.
Anyways... wishing you peace and fortune on your journey. As you can see, we're all here to support one another.
Judgement Free zone brother!
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Post by cogs74 on May 5, 2018 1:16:01 GMT
Greetings everyone, hope all is well and peaceful. I recognized the value I got from writing so I figured it's important to keep getting my feelings out there as much as possible. After reading different boards I'm not even sure if this posted on the correct one but perhaps there isn't a correct one. Only on here are we defined by our attachment style.
I'm 44 days into no communication with L. In the span of the day I went from thinking, 'Of course will L will reach out to me at somepoint to 'Wait, she never really attached, her experience is essentially the oppostite of mine'. I'm not quite ready to start completely letting her go or rather letting go of hope. I know this is about my work and my ability to self-soothe. I lost my Mom when I was 16 and L never knew her Dad and her Mom is an alcoholic. If that's not love what is.
So, is it fruitless to go back and replay conversations? I've been in therapy 2x per week and have been exercising pretty much every day. So much work just to get an inkling of reprieve. I do the think the intensity of my grief is lightening just a little but the thought of anything significant happening between us anytime soon seems like a pipe dream.
My brain is so twisted around. I know I blew through red flags and didn't want to accept/deal with the lack of an emotional connection. I know she was just being who she was, giving in the beginning and selfish in the end. I know I was not treated well in the end but I know I hurt and would just love to sit down and share these thoughts with her. And I also know this is the last thing in the world she would want.
I'll work though my attachment wounds/abandonment issues/and all the other litte things that surface. But after reading these boards it is so disheartening to believe that in her mind she will know she will not be able to see us working out..logically. I'm sure she'll think of us. You don't spend over a year with someone and just move on that easily, no one does. But being a single mother, full time teacher, genuine introvert, and more or less unaware DA does not feel like it bodes well for reconciliation.
I have no connection to her on social media, who knows who she's getting to meet her needs, if she is. Can't a type A, controlling DA just have a weak moment for once and reach out? Not likely.
If I can control the rumination I can continue to move forward and get healthier...
Hope everyone has a peaceful night..
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Post by scheme00 on May 5, 2018 3:10:34 GMT
They can reach out. My ex was far more avoidant than yours by the looks of it and she reached out twice. Once after 4 months of no contact and again after the 3rd break up and 6 months of no contact. Here I am again. In the same boat as you. Thinking she will never reach out. You have to assume she will never reach out or else every time you hear a text message on your phone you’ll hope to see her number. Move forward. It’s the only thing you need to do. You are stuck in this loop and preoccupied thoughts in your head. Again, you are making this about her because that’s what you think. But it’s not about her, it’s about you. Hopefully at some point you will realize that and until you do the suffering must continue unfortunately.
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Post by scheme00 on May 5, 2018 3:24:15 GMT
Also, I think you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to learn how to not say things to your significant other (her or someone else in the future) like you did (IE “I’m not gonna step up for you” and “I won’t provide for you”) when you are feeling anxious. It seems these two events really made her throw up her armor and back away. You did this as an attention seeking bid. “SHOW ME YOU CARE!” It was your cry for help. Just like you learned as a child. We can’t do those things when we’re older. I realized in my second relationship that all it can take is ONE sentence like that out of your mouth to do irreparable damage that a relationship can not recover from. You felt the world collapsing on you and felt anxious and said these words that made her feel like she can not be safe with you. You are like the cute dog that bit her. She was cautious and you bit her again and hurt her so now she is protective of herself and doesn’t want to get hurt again. After all, you’ve said those things twice now and hurt her so she thinks you will bite her again!! She backed away and then you tried to make up for it by going full tilt the other way and telling her how much you care about her! It doesn’t work that way. She’s scared now. DAs are al about safety. You make them feel unsafe and you’re OUT! Maybe not forever but it will take them a long time to let that wound heal. I’m afraid you will do this again the next time you feel like you’re losing someone. If you feel it that’s fine but please my friend, bite your damn tongue and don’t let it out. Think about it until you’re in a non emotional state and if you still feel it (you won’t) then you can bring it up.
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Post by tnr9 on May 5, 2018 5:26:04 GMT
Gosh I learn new things all the time...I would never have looked at those two comments as "bids"... I would have taken them at face value and pulled way back.
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2018 5:28:10 GMT
Also, I think you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to learn how to not say things to your significant other (her or someone else in the future) like you did (IE “I’m not gonna step up for you” and “I won’t provide for you”) when you are feeling anxious. It seems these two events really made her throw up her armor and back away. You did this as an attention seeking bid. “SHOW ME YOU CARE!” It was your cry for help. Just like you learned as a child. We can’t do those things when we’re older. I realized in my second relationship that all it can take is ONE sentence like that out of your mouth to do irreparable damage that a relationship can not recover from. You felt the world collapsing on you and felt anxious and said these words that made her feel like she can not be safe with you. You are like the cute dog that bit her. She was cautious and you bit her again and hurt her so now she is protective of herself and doesn’t want to get hurt again. After all, you’ve said those things twice now and hurt her so she thinks you will bite her again!! She backed away and then you tried to make up for it by going full tilt the other way and telling her how much you care about her! It doesn’t work that way. She’s scared now. DAs are al about safety. You make them feel unsafe and you’re OUT! Maybe not forever but it will take them a long time to let that wound heal. I’m afraid you will do this again the next time you feel like you’re losing someone. If you feel it that’s fine but please my friend, bite your damn tongue and don’t let it out. Think about it until you’re in a non emotional state and if you still feel it (you won’t) then you can bring it up. You nailed it. My ex said and did things to push me away and then didn't understand why I kept backing away. One sentence can ruin a relationship forever. DAs are not that hard to understand (in my opinion  ). It is about safety. I give the shirt off my back for those that treat me fairly. I walk away from those that don't. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 5, 2018 5:33:43 GMT
Also, I think you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to learn how to not say things to your significant other (her or someone else in the future) like you did (IE “I’m not gonna step up for you” and “I won’t provide for you”) when you are feeling anxious. It seems these two events really made her throw up her armor and back away. You did this as an attention seeking bid. “SHOW ME YOU CARE!” It was your cry for help. Just like you learned as a child. We can’t do those things when we’re older. I realized in my second relationship that all it can take is ONE sentence like that out of your mouth to do irreparable damage that a relationship can not recover from. You felt the world collapsing on you and felt anxious and said these words that made her feel like she can not be safe with you. You are like the cute dog that bit her. She was cautious and you bit her again and hurt her so now she is protective of herself and doesn’t want to get hurt again. After all, you’ve said those things twice now and hurt her so she thinks you will bite her again!! She backed away and then you tried to make up for it by going full tilt the other way and telling her how much you care about her! It doesn’t work that way. She’s scared now. DAs are al about safety. You make them feel unsafe and you’re OUT! Maybe not forever but it will take them a long time to let that wound heal. I’m afraid you will do this again the next time you feel like you’re losing someone. If you feel it that’s fine but please my friend, bite your damn tongue and don’t let it out. Think about it until you’re in a non emotional state and if you still feel it (you won’t) then you can bring it up. You nailed it. My ex said and did things to push me away and then didn't understand why I kept backing away. One sentence can ruin a relationship forever. DAs are not that hard to understand (in my opinion ). It is about safety. I give the shirt off my back for those that treat me fairly. I walk away from those that don't. Mary...I love how you phrased that it is all about safety...I think we all want to feel safe. |
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Post by kelvain on May 5, 2018 11:00:33 GMT
Also, I think you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to learn how to not say things to your significant other (her or someone else in the future) like you did (IE “I’m not gonna step up for you” and “I won’t provide for you”) when you are feeling anxious. It seems these two events really made her throw up her armor and back away. You did this as an attention seeking bid. “SHOW ME YOU CARE!” It was your cry for help. Just like you learned as a child. We can’t do those things when we’re older. I realized in my second relationship that all it can take is ONE sentence like that out of your mouth to do irreparable damage that a relationship can not recover from. You felt the world collapsing on you and felt anxious and said these words that made her feel like she can not be safe with you. You are like the cute dog that bit her. She was cautious and you bit her again and hurt her so now she is protective of herself and doesn’t want to get hurt again. After all, you’ve said those things twice now and hurt her so she thinks you will bite her again!! She backed away and then you tried to make up for it by going full tilt the other way and telling her how much you care about her! It doesn’t work that way. She’s scared now. DAs are al about safety. You make them feel unsafe and you’re OUT! Maybe not forever but it will take them a long time to let that wound heal. I’m afraid you will do this again the next time you feel like you’re losing someone. If you feel it that’s fine but please my friend, bite your damn tongue and don’t let it out. Think about it until you’re in a non emotional state and if you still feel it (you won’t) then you can bring it up. Scheme00... This is so perfectly said. It's really is all about safety with a DA |
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Post by tnr9 on May 5, 2018 12:45:35 GMT
Also, I think you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to learn how to not say things to your significant other (her or someone else in the future) like you did (IE “I’m not gonna step up for you” and “I won’t provide for you”) when you are feeling anxious. It seems these two events really made her throw up her armor and back away. You did this as an attention seeking bid. “SHOW ME YOU CARE!” It was your cry for help. Just like you learned as a child. We can’t do those things when we’re older. I realized in my second relationship that all it can take is ONE sentence like that out of your mouth to do irreparable damage that a relationship can not recover from. You felt the world collapsing on you and felt anxious and said these words that made her feel like she can not be safe with you. You are like the cute dog that bit her. She was cautious and you bit her again and hurt her so now she is protective of herself and doesn’t want to get hurt again. After all, you’ve said those things twice now and hurt her so she thinks you will bite her again!! She backed away and then you tried to make up for it by going full tilt the other way and telling her how much you care about her! It doesn’t work that way. She’s scared now. DAs are al about safety. You make them feel unsafe and you’re OUT! Maybe not forever but it will take them a long time to let that wound heal. I’m afraid you will do this again the next time you feel like you’re losing someone. If you feel it that’s fine but please my friend, bite your damn tongue and don’t let it out. Think about it until you’re in a non emotional state and if you still feel it (you won’t) then you can bring it up. Scheme00... This is so perfectly said. It's really is all about safety with a DA I am curious if that is a female DA thing or DAs in general....would a male DA look at a partner through the lens of "is she safe?" |
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Post by cogs74 on May 5, 2018 13:33:51 GMT
Man, I really lost my cool, cried out for love, and pushed some away that I really care about and love.
How does one broach this topic with an unaware DA? I’m thinking as always, nothing I can do but learn and grow from this.
Damn this sucks, I just wanna meet in the middle with a DA
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2018 15:04:55 GMT
Gosh I learn new things all the time...I would never have looked at those two comments as "bids"... I would have taken them at face value and pulled way back. I never understood this at the time either. My best male friend (who is secure) explained it to me after the break up. My ex was constantly "bidding" and protesting. It just pushed me further and further away. My ex said I was the only one he ever felt love from, but he couldn't return it. He still wants to get back together, but he has become unsafe for me. |
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2018 15:14:49 GMT
Scheme00... This is so perfectly said. It's really is all about safety with a DA I am curious if that is a female DA thing or DAs in general....would a male DA look at a partner through the lens of "is she safe?" My guess is yes, it's the same. I have known several male DAs (as casual partners). Over time, they became attached to me and wanted to date seriously. I think it's because I don't bid, protest and it develops over a period of time with no pressure (no drama). I just never saw them as serious partners based on non attachment factors. FAs though I think are different and I haven't had experience with that. I have a female friend who is FA and she never really "settles" into a relationship (lots of push/pull). |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 6, 2018 0:13:37 GMT
On the other hand, I think if a relationship can be so doomed from one sentence, then that is likely someone it would be doomed with anyway. Maybe there's a dozen sentences in the world where that isn't the case and it would be a valid reason for it to end, but in most cases in a mature adult relationships, people should realize that something said in a time of stress, anger, pain, etc. means you're an imperfect human. After everyone has calmed down there should be a healthy discussion about it.
I just think if you have to walk so much on eggshells that you fear if you said a wrong sentence then they will head for the hills, then it isn't a relationship that can work. You should be able to say something silly, stupid, poorly phrased etc., once in awhile-- not constantly!! But every once in a while-- without your partner just ending it.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2018 0:27:58 GMT
On the other hand, I think if a relationship can be so doomed from one sentence, then that is likely someone it would be doomed with anyway. Maybe there's a dozen sentences in the world where that isn't the case and it would be a valid reason for it to end, but in most cases in a mature adult relationships, people should realize that something said in a time of stress, anger, pain, etc. means you're an imperfect human. After everyone has calmed down there should be a healthy discussion about it. I just think if you have to walk so much on eggshells that you fear if you said a wrong sentence then they will head for the hills, then it isn't a relationship that can work. You should be able to say something silly, stupid, poorly phrased etc., once in awhile-- not constantly!! But every once in a while-- without your partner just ending it. I don't think that expecting your partner not to make a racist joke about you is asking someone to walk on eggshells. Yes, once was enough for me to end it. Yes, people are imperfect, but it it no way excuses that behavior, in my opinion. Actually, I don't think my relationship was doomed anyway. There was just no way back for me with that one sentence. |
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). It is about safety. I give the shirt off my back for those that treat me fairly. I walk away from those that don't.