Post by flic on May 5, 2018 0:38:02 GMT
I'm really struggling today.
I feel like the more clarity I get on why things went wrong in my relationship, especially due to Attachment styles, the more depressed I become. So apologies for venting as I've already put some of this stuff in other posts, but I'm just so down today and feel like maybe I should have avoided this relationship altogether, which breaks my heart because i thought he truly was/is everything i thought i wanted in a partner.
Maybe there were red flags were there from the start. I'm wondering if my ex is actually FA - he has a need to be close to women (before he met me he was having a string of casual affairs but they were quite intense, one woman became obsessed with him), and when we met there was the most incredible connection. He posted chocolate through my door two days after meeting me, wanted to see me every night for a week, introduced me to his best friend and his housemate, then 2 weeks later pulled away when i said I liked him. He then came back a few weeks later (lying to me about having been really down being the reason he hasn't contacted me, but i know it's because he was still sleeping with other women) and he went all in on the relationship. Yes there were little white lies, and yes I overlooked them. I was infatuated, enamoured.
He was always loving and professed this all the time, did everything for me, bought me flowers and wrote me notes all the time, and was so supportive and caring. But i was always a little anxious, partly because I knew there were other women still interested in him and he wasn't explicitly telling them he was in a relationship. But he would always tell me i was the one, he'd never felt this way about anyone before, he'd never felt safe with anyone before, and after 18 months, started to become a lot more vulnerable with me, telling me i made him feel brave, that i was 'his person' etc. We had an incredible mental and physical connection, but was i blind to the lack of emotional intimacy that i needed, and he wasn't able to provide?
In my gut i never quite felt right. I was always a little scared, and became mistrusting - i even checked his phone messages which is something i'd never normally do. I always felt like he was holding back, I didn't see it was because he was so scared of the intimacy we were developing.
We moved overseas together and my anxiety sky-rocketed, i became needy and clingy and depressed and anxious. I was so caught up with fear that he was going to cheat on me. I couldn't see that he was terrified too, that i was going to leave him and go home.
I'm not sure i was AP before this relationship, or maybe i was but was with secure partners. I lack the ability to self soothe, expected so much from him, and didn't fully commit to being in our new city. But instead of addressing my fear, i just became sullen and mean and controlling.
He sought out other options after our first big fight overseas (no cheating but definitely setting up options as he was sure i was going to leave), and steadily began to withdraw, emotionally and physically. And still i didn't speak up, didn't address it.
We completely forgot all the honest conversations we'd been having before we left, where we were trying to be vulnerable and ensure the other felt supported, that we were a team.
I guess I'm just wondering whether this relationship was always doomed? I feel like we were really making progress before we moved, and I know he was trying to be more vulnerable with me. Until then, I'd been really good at holding emotional space for him, because I hid my anxiety and mostly presented as secure and open and safe for him.
I just miss him so much, i miss the relationship we had before we moved where i really feel we were starting to overcome some of our fears. Or maybe just his fear. Maybe i didn't see the work i needed to do. I know i have work to do, but I'm just so distraught still, at losing him, and I fear I'll never recover, nor have another relationship again. This one has really ruined my sense of worth, my self-esteem, and made me question everything i thought i needed and everything i thought was real.
I feel like the more clarity I get on why things went wrong in my relationship, especially due to Attachment styles, the more depressed I become. So apologies for venting as I've already put some of this stuff in other posts, but I'm just so down today and feel like maybe I should have avoided this relationship altogether, which breaks my heart because i thought he truly was/is everything i thought i wanted in a partner.
Maybe there were red flags were there from the start. I'm wondering if my ex is actually FA - he has a need to be close to women (before he met me he was having a string of casual affairs but they were quite intense, one woman became obsessed with him), and when we met there was the most incredible connection. He posted chocolate through my door two days after meeting me, wanted to see me every night for a week, introduced me to his best friend and his housemate, then 2 weeks later pulled away when i said I liked him. He then came back a few weeks later (lying to me about having been really down being the reason he hasn't contacted me, but i know it's because he was still sleeping with other women) and he went all in on the relationship. Yes there were little white lies, and yes I overlooked them. I was infatuated, enamoured.
He was always loving and professed this all the time, did everything for me, bought me flowers and wrote me notes all the time, and was so supportive and caring. But i was always a little anxious, partly because I knew there were other women still interested in him and he wasn't explicitly telling them he was in a relationship. But he would always tell me i was the one, he'd never felt this way about anyone before, he'd never felt safe with anyone before, and after 18 months, started to become a lot more vulnerable with me, telling me i made him feel brave, that i was 'his person' etc. We had an incredible mental and physical connection, but was i blind to the lack of emotional intimacy that i needed, and he wasn't able to provide?
In my gut i never quite felt right. I was always a little scared, and became mistrusting - i even checked his phone messages which is something i'd never normally do. I always felt like he was holding back, I didn't see it was because he was so scared of the intimacy we were developing.
We moved overseas together and my anxiety sky-rocketed, i became needy and clingy and depressed and anxious. I was so caught up with fear that he was going to cheat on me. I couldn't see that he was terrified too, that i was going to leave him and go home.
I'm not sure i was AP before this relationship, or maybe i was but was with secure partners. I lack the ability to self soothe, expected so much from him, and didn't fully commit to being in our new city. But instead of addressing my fear, i just became sullen and mean and controlling.
He sought out other options after our first big fight overseas (no cheating but definitely setting up options as he was sure i was going to leave), and steadily began to withdraw, emotionally and physically. And still i didn't speak up, didn't address it.
We completely forgot all the honest conversations we'd been having before we left, where we were trying to be vulnerable and ensure the other felt supported, that we were a team.
I guess I'm just wondering whether this relationship was always doomed? I feel like we were really making progress before we moved, and I know he was trying to be more vulnerable with me. Until then, I'd been really good at holding emotional space for him, because I hid my anxiety and mostly presented as secure and open and safe for him.
I just miss him so much, i miss the relationship we had before we moved where i really feel we were starting to overcome some of our fears. Or maybe just his fear. Maybe i didn't see the work i needed to do. I know i have work to do, but I'm just so distraught still, at losing him, and I fear I'll never recover, nor have another relationship again. This one has really ruined my sense of worth, my self-esteem, and made me question everything i thought i needed and everything i thought was real.
