Post by robin on May 6, 2018 9:50:22 GMT
I am an anxious-preoccupied, which I discovered post-breakup. I came across this forum as many AP do, in the aftermath of a relationship with an emotionally uncommunicative partner.
My approach has been to understand how DA think about AP. I notice that a few DA in this forum have become annoyed and defensive with AP encroaching in their spaces. I also note that they have left, decisively, while telling AP users to look in the mirror at their own issues. To me, this is sadly in line with the DA/AP dynamic. DA persons expect the AP partner to intuitively know why they are pulling away. DA also resent having to explain themselves to AP, nor are they able to correct how an AP treats them. Again, the AP is expected to understand without the tiresome process of communication.
Here is my experience, as an AP. I was in a LDR with a DA and I always backed away whenever I felt that he was uncomfortable with talking about our future. I would wait for him to initiate, and he never did. We went for a year without ever talking about how we would close the long-distance gap (I visited three times, we texted every day, and talked once a week. I thought we were close) One day, he told me that he had been thinking about how logistically difficult our future was, and he was considering breaking up. That was the first time he had initiated the topic (yay?) and it was to notify me of his unilateral decision-making process. I lost my temper, accused him of being chronically indecisive, and it was the last time we had a voice conversation. That was three weeks ago.
21 days ago - he tells me in conversation that he has doubts but he is thinking it over by himself. I am incredulous, upset, and ask if he wants to break up.
16 days ago - I text him so that we can talk civilly, he ignores my message.
15 days ago - I try to call and realise that he is ignoring me, so I leave a message asking him to call when he feels ready to talk.
12 days ago - he emails to say that he doesn't think we can continue to work with the distance, however he would like to be friends.
04 days ago - I respond to his email by voice message, to say that I do not wish to control him, that there is no way I can change his mind. I wish him a good day.
02 days ago - he texts me to say it is nice to hear my voice, to ask about my work and our mutual friends, and to tell me about three books he has read in 2.5 weeks.
This is how I have attempted to relate, as an AP with a DA. Firstly, I make the mistake of assuming that the DA is like any other attachment type, and would appreciate neurotypical attention or connection. Secondly, I realise that the DA is uncomfortable with communicating what he needs or prefers, so I change my attempts at intimacy. Since he will not communicate either by words or action, I try to understand him indirectly through reading the experiences of aware DA's. Thirdly, I very politely give him all the space he needs, and cease asking for anything to the point of dismissing the relationship as well.
Unaware DA's have an abundance of confidence and self-esteem that unaware AP's lack. I cannot understand how DA's, for all their intelligence, don't see how unfair it is to expect AP's to read their mind. Instead of gently correcting misguided attempts at intimacy, they silently judge in exasperation until breaking point. At breaking point they determine that the AP has been inconsiderate, ignorant, and insulting. The end.
I am mourning how impossible the situation is. While I feel compassion for my DA, despite all I will never understand, I am doubtful about whether he has the capacity to feel compassion. Reading how impatient some DA users on this board are, and knowing how contemptuous they feel towards AP, I am resigned to accepting that there is statistically little happy resolution for dating between the two types.
I need comfort from those who can understand. Not all DA are so contemptuous, just as not all AP are smothering. I am glad to be here among others who have shared my experience of the DA/AP dynamic, and failure.
My approach has been to understand how DA think about AP. I notice that a few DA in this forum have become annoyed and defensive with AP encroaching in their spaces. I also note that they have left, decisively, while telling AP users to look in the mirror at their own issues. To me, this is sadly in line with the DA/AP dynamic. DA persons expect the AP partner to intuitively know why they are pulling away. DA also resent having to explain themselves to AP, nor are they able to correct how an AP treats them. Again, the AP is expected to understand without the tiresome process of communication.
Here is my experience, as an AP. I was in a LDR with a DA and I always backed away whenever I felt that he was uncomfortable with talking about our future. I would wait for him to initiate, and he never did. We went for a year without ever talking about how we would close the long-distance gap (I visited three times, we texted every day, and talked once a week. I thought we were close) One day, he told me that he had been thinking about how logistically difficult our future was, and he was considering breaking up. That was the first time he had initiated the topic (yay?) and it was to notify me of his unilateral decision-making process. I lost my temper, accused him of being chronically indecisive, and it was the last time we had a voice conversation. That was three weeks ago.
21 days ago - he tells me in conversation that he has doubts but he is thinking it over by himself. I am incredulous, upset, and ask if he wants to break up.
16 days ago - I text him so that we can talk civilly, he ignores my message.
15 days ago - I try to call and realise that he is ignoring me, so I leave a message asking him to call when he feels ready to talk.
12 days ago - he emails to say that he doesn't think we can continue to work with the distance, however he would like to be friends.
04 days ago - I respond to his email by voice message, to say that I do not wish to control him, that there is no way I can change his mind. I wish him a good day.
02 days ago - he texts me to say it is nice to hear my voice, to ask about my work and our mutual friends, and to tell me about three books he has read in 2.5 weeks.
This is how I have attempted to relate, as an AP with a DA. Firstly, I make the mistake of assuming that the DA is like any other attachment type, and would appreciate neurotypical attention or connection. Secondly, I realise that the DA is uncomfortable with communicating what he needs or prefers, so I change my attempts at intimacy. Since he will not communicate either by words or action, I try to understand him indirectly through reading the experiences of aware DA's. Thirdly, I very politely give him all the space he needs, and cease asking for anything to the point of dismissing the relationship as well.
Unaware DA's have an abundance of confidence and self-esteem that unaware AP's lack. I cannot understand how DA's, for all their intelligence, don't see how unfair it is to expect AP's to read their mind. Instead of gently correcting misguided attempts at intimacy, they silently judge in exasperation until breaking point. At breaking point they determine that the AP has been inconsiderate, ignorant, and insulting. The end.
I am mourning how impossible the situation is. While I feel compassion for my DA, despite all I will never understand, I am doubtful about whether he has the capacity to feel compassion. Reading how impatient some DA users on this board are, and knowing how contemptuous they feel towards AP, I am resigned to accepting that there is statistically little happy resolution for dating between the two types.
I need comfort from those who can understand. Not all DA are so contemptuous, just as not all AP are smothering. I am glad to be here among others who have shared my experience of the DA/AP dynamic, and failure.
