Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 18:17:04 GMT
In my case I did ask - he also used to leave my house in the morning sometimes without saying goodbye. There was something inherently unpleasant about this for me and yes Juniper, you are right that it's a sign of something deeper. He did remember to say goodbye after I asked - but eventually things crumbled because it felt like he was constantly acting out a deep belief that relationships were impossible, commitment led to pain etc. Some of the behaviours were so peculiar I believed he was on the autistic spectrum - nowadays I am unsure if this is the case - it's irrelevant really since behaviour is behaviour regardless of knowing the cause it has the same effect in the long term. yes, that's beyond quirk. i think many times, partners can't see the forest for the trees, and it really shows up in things like this. fundamental incompatibility shows in the little things if those little things cause pain and resentment and horrible feelings. it's not terribly useful to "fix" the differences that are just symptoms of two people not meshing well. ocarina, that sounds like a really unpleasant pairing, and it sounds like he was not at all available to you. i myself would be very turned off by a partner that needed reassurance or bonding through the things mentioned in the original post. my bonding shows in other ways that are relevant to me and would be relevant also to a partner i would choose for a relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 18:28:12 GMT
I met him recently and we were talking about the death of a family member - he said he doesn't feel any sadness when people die.
Underneath the strange emotional lack there seemed to be some kind of extreme anger that was suppressed - who knows what was going on but it wasn't easy to deal with in a partner - and he couldn't see the point of therapy so that was that.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 18:39:59 GMT
has asking for a solution and making agreements been successful? i would think it would be if there is emotional availabilty between two people. YES! He dident even notice. He wasent offended at all. excellent! just a quirk. i think it's really important for a partner (of any attachment style) to have enough self awareness to use discernment with these kinds of things, to be able to acknowledge deep incompatibility when it exists and is manifesting in the things we feel unhappy about. sometimes compromises can be made, sometimes no amount of compromise spells love or intimacy. its an individual thing. individual to the relationship and the individuals involved! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 18:44:19 GMT
I met him recently and we were talking about the death of a family member - he said he doesn't feel any sadness when people die. Underneath the strange emotional lack there seemed to be some kind of extreme anger that was suppressed - who knows what was going on but it wasn't easy to deal with in a partner - and he couldn't see the point of therapy so that was that. it's great to let such a partner leave without saying goodbye- and never let them come back. missing cues in such a situation would point to issues in the observer. i can say that with humility and integrity, having been the one who has missed cues and had to uncover my own blocks in order to gain clarity about myself, as an individual and how i relate to others. i can also say, that my quirks are not for everyone, and that's ok with me. it's all a matter of "how do you want to live and be yourself?" for all involved. if it works, super. if not, release! |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 18:51:52 GMT
I met him recently and we were talking about the death of a family member - he said he doesn't feel any sadness when people die. Underneath the strange emotional lack there seemed to be some kind of extreme anger that was suppressed - who knows what was going on but it wasn't easy to deal with in a partner - and he couldn't see the point of therapy so that was that. it's great to let such a partner leave without saying goodbye- and never let them come back. missing cues in such a situation would point to issues in the observer. i can say that with humility and integrity, having been the one who has missed cues and had to uncover my own blocks in order to gain clarity about myself, as an individual and how i relate to others. i can also say, that my quirks are not for everyone, and that's ok with me. it's all a matter of "how do you want to live and be yourself?" for all involved. if it works, super. if not, release! I agree entirely - I have been extremely avoidant in the past and many of these traits remain which I am sure is what kept us together. I have now let him go entirely - he still attempts to keep some kind of connection open but nowadays I am pretty firm with my boundaries. I think part of the cue missing is that we were pretty similar in many ways - it was like being with each other and therefore highly comfortable in a disfuntional kind of way! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 19:00:59 GMT
it's great to let such a partner leave without saying goodbye- and never let them come back. missing cues in such a situation would point to issues in the observer. i can say that with humility and integrity, having been the one who has missed cues and had to uncover my own blocks in order to gain clarity about myself, as an individual and how i relate to others. i can also say, that my quirks are not for everyone, and that's ok with me. it's all a matter of "how do you want to live and be yourself?" for all involved. if it works, super. if not, release! I agree entirely - I have been extremely avoidant in the past and many of these traits remain which I am sure is what kept us together. I have now let him go entirely - he still attempts to keep some kind of connection open but nowadays I am pretty firm with my boundaries. I think part of the cue missing is that we were pretty similar in many ways - it was like being with each other and therefore highly comfortable in a disfuntional kind of way! we're growing! as i have become more secure, relationships have had to grow with me or end. what used to work, the best i could do then, is different from what works now, what i am able to do now. so much growth! and yet, many quirks remain, and are simply who and how i am, offensive only to those who take offense, and that's not mine to fix. its been a process of figuring myself out that way. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 19:50:01 GMT
Well it was only ment as passing on some advice from Diane - no offence at all and nothing personal at all. To me you can walk where ever you like and I can do the same. But if I would miss your company on a romantic getaway strolling aroud the streets of Paris, I would like to know what would be the best way to try to get in touch with you - and I knew about Diane  I like the formel intruduction explained by Goldi by the way I do not think that the advice was meant for small birthday parties, but who knows. I have changed the first post, to make it more clear. I is just suggestions how to request some attention in a nice way. It says OR between the different kind of requests. Every one if free to say "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU AN EYEGAYZE OR WHATEVER THEY CAN ASK ABOUT". IF we could see eash other, I bet we would just laugh about all of this -at least I hope! no worries anne! no offense taken, i simply weighed in. just a dismissive perspective, dismissive bordering on secure. i have read here than non- dismissive appreciate the perspective of dismissives, and i also don't mind speaking up for a much- maligned segment of the the population on the board. generally, our traits are taken personally or interpreted as negative toward our parters, especially if the partner is anxious. and, most writing about dismissives is written by anxious or formerly anxious. I just said GENERALLY. of course, the board seems to be populated mostly with anxious people who ,in the literature ,are described as taking things personally and reading things as personal and negative when they aren't anything of the kind. so, just my input. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 20:04:03 GMT
Yes of course this is a board for all of us. By the way - maybe some people do not find the behaviors from the different attatchmentstyles defensive and they do not take it personal - maybe they just havent experienced the behaviors before from other people they know. I am happy for you, that you are moving toward secure and still accepting your own quirks. i'm sure some do not find the behaviors offensive or take them personally, however in your original post you were offering advice how not to take them personally, so we both recognize the tendency. and so, my posts aligned with that.0 And thank you, it's a learning curve for everyone to grow toward secure. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 20:14:11 GMT
Strange but I almost never take things personally! I am not sure why this is, perhaps an avoidant thing? But it often leads to me not noticing blatant red flags in others, being overly tolerant,not getting my needs met.
Thanks for starting the thread Anne - good to have a healthy discussion.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 20:23:37 GMT
Strange but I almost never take things personally! I am not sure why this is, perhaps an avoidant thing? But it often leads to me not noticing blatant red flags in others, being overly tolerant,not getting my needs met. Thanks for starting the thread Anne - good to have a healthy discussion. this has been a big issue for me in my life as an avoidant also ocarina. having been the target of intentional cruelty from childhood till adult had caused me to have to muffle minor offenses, even extremely harmful offenses, and take them as part of the "normal" but painful life that i lived. recovery has meant listening very closely to my internal cues, the feelings and thoughts that i had to suppress in order to survive. its been an arduous process, first the willingness and then the practice. my body has always tried to speak to me, i had to learn to shut it up because i could do nothing to remedy the situation and to feel it was unbearable. it is a pleasure to know and understand these things now. my threshold for pain was very, very high. now, i am relaxed and able to choose associations that are not painful. it isn't that they harm me and i don't acknowledge it, any more. its that i am able to keep myself out of harms way! what a blessing, a reward for hard work! |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 20:27:59 GMT
Strange but I almost never take things personally! I am not sure why this is, perhaps an avoidant thing? But it often leads to me not noticing blatant red flags in others, being overly tolerant,not getting my needs met. Thanks for starting the thread Anne - good to have a healthy discussion. this has been a big issue for me in my life as an avoidant also ocarina. having been the target of intentional cruelty from childhood till adult had caused me to have to muffle minor offenses, even extremely harmful offenses, and take them as part of the "normal" but painful life that i lived. recovery has meant listening very closely to my internal cues, the feelings and thoughts that i had to suppress in order to survive. its been an arduous process, first the willingness and then the practice. my body has always tried to speak to me, i had to learn to shut it up because i could do nothing to remedy the situation and to feel it was unbearable. it is a pleasure to know and understand these things now. my threshold for pain was very, very high. now, i am relaxed and able to choose associations that are not painful. it isn't that they harm me and i don't acknowledge it, any more. its that i am able to keep myself out of harms way! what a blessing, a reward for hard work! Thanks Juniper - my threshold for pain has been the same. I would dearly love to be able to listen more closely to my inner workings. So many of my feelings are still squashed in avoidance - it seems overwhelming knowing where to start. How did you begin? |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 20:35:04 GMT
And.... apologies for hijacking the thread somewhat - should have posted on the support forum.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 20:36:44 GMT
ocarina, i began one night after my husband raped me, and i was crying. i suddenly could not bear my entire life any more. i got up from the bed and saw my face in the bathroom mirror, and i asked my face, which i saw like the face of a sister, or a friend, who had been hurt, only realized that the sister or friend was me, and that i cared, and i wanted to help her- i asked "what has happened to you? how can i help you?" felt tremendous tenderness for myself. and i felt tremendous courage also, to help. i began to answer those questions, i just started acknowledging what had happened to me and how painful it was, all of it, my entire life. i began to see myself with dignity, and i kept asking myself and listening to the answer, what happened? how can i help? then i knew what to do next. but it was a very long process of emancipation only recently completed, over the course of another relationship and then solitude and healing. and another relationship. it was many years ago. that was just the beginning, a good place for anyone to start, i believe. maybe it is helpful?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 20:37:20 GMT
And.... apologies for hijacking the thread somewhat - should have posted on the support forum. apologies, can move my thread in a bit! headed to work at the moment! |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 20:48:21 GMT
ocarina , i began one night after my husband raped me, and i was crying. i suddenly could not bear my entire life any more. i got up from the bed and saw my face in the bathroom mirror, and i asked my face, which i saw like the face of a sister, or a friend, who had been hurt, only realized that the sister or friend was me, and that i cared, and i wanted to help her- i asked "what has happened to you? how can i help you?" felt tremendous tenderness for myself. and i felt tremendous courage also, to help. i began to answer those questions, i just started acknowledging what had happened to me and how painful it was, all of it, my entire life. i began to see myself with dignity, and i kept asking myself and listening to the answer, what happened? how can i help? then i knew what to do next. but it was a very long process of emancipation only recently completed, over the course of another relationship and then solitude and healing. and another relationship. it was many years ago. that was just the beginning, a good place for anyone to start, i believe. maybe it is helpful? Thank you so much - that is really helpful. I must try to remember this - again and again. |
|
