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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 20:56:23 GMT
ocarina, your feelings and your voice will rejoice to be let out of their cage, and they will start to sing, and you will start to listen, and they will remind YOU. ❤️ just start.
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 6, 2018 12:37:57 GMT
Well it was only ment as passing on some advice from Diane - no offence at all and nothing personal at all. To me you can walk where ever you like and I can do the same. But if I would miss your company on a romantic getaway strolling aroud the streets of Paris, I would like to know what would be the best way to try to get in touch with you - and I knew about Diane  I like the formel intruduction explained by Goldi by the way I do not think that the advice was meant for small birthday parties, but who knows. I have changed the first post, to make it more clear. I is just suggestions how to request some attention in a nice way. It says OR between the different kind of requests. If you had to do all the things listed at every party, I guess you would be very busy. Every one if free to say "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU AN EYEGAYZE OR WHATEVER THEY CAN ASK ABOUT". IF we could see eash other, I bet we would just laugh about all of this -at least I hope! I think compromise is most useful when people do not have to go all the way from one end to another. In the advice, the DA is expected to completely cater to the AP, maybe because the AP partner is actually too anxious to feel at ease with even average behaviour. In that case, I'd rather advice the couple to split. Same with the DA guy who would leave without saying goodbye, even secure or fellow DA don't like that, at least I would not. One can bridge a small river but not an ocean. What I would advice, if there is a river relationship and the couple was going to Paris for a long weekend is to mix it up. When walking outside on busy streets hands can be held so the couple does not lose each other and can see the same buildings and talk about it, when on a quiet path or quay they could walk next to each other without holding and when on a market, or in a shop or museum, they could be apart so they can freely browse and mingle. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 6, 2018 12:59:52 GMT
I’ve had to learn to touch. I would forget to introduce my ex wife to people in situations, and had to work on that. There are some really basic things that have taken 40 years to get, that people get when they’re 6.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 13:09:32 GMT
I’ve had to learn to touch. I would forget to introduce my ex wife to people in situations, and had to work on that. There are some really basic things that have taken 40 years to get, that people get when they’re 6. there is such a wide variance, isn't there? I am touchy feely but don't value it for every activity, and especially don't like to emotionally caretake a needy partner. Im not saying that compromise is not ok, i'm saying that the needs of BOTH parties are relevant and should be respected. If compromise can be healthily agreed upon great! it all comes down to what is negotiable within the couple, with the individuals involved. For you, mrob, it's growth to be able extend touch. And, i hope it's been healing for you. Touch is so inportant. For me, it's growth to have autonomy that is emotionally available but that suits me, as engulfment has been an issue that i have had to heal from. Its a great discussion. |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 6, 2018 15:20:14 GMT
Im not saying that compromise is not ok, i'm saying that the needs of BOTH parties are relevant and should be respected. If compromise can be healthily agreed upon great! it all comes down to what is negotiable within the couple, with the individuals involved. This! To me, compromise is meeting in the middle or what is even better is finding a win-win-win solution. The latter is often found by finding out why someone wants what he wants, which is easiest when he is very aware and communicative. Here is an example in the first few minutes of this video: Lets take as an example a husband who feels uneasy at a party of 20 people, known to his wife but not to him: If he is introverted and actually does not really like parties with more than 10 people, he might actually be relieved to stay home and play videogames while his wife goes to the party alone. (I don't know many highly extraverted DA, but in theory the wife could just love to mingle.) She comes home at a given time and just before she gets home, he runs her a bath and they have sex. Now if the husband is highly sociable and extraverted but just scared about other men thinking his wife is single, and it is a business event where she wants to look professional and not do a bunch of PDA. She could simply introduce him to the group as a whole announcing that this is her wonderful husband and give him one public handsqueeze. After that, he can mingle while feeling safe and she can mingle freely without needing to babysit. In addition, he can mention a positive quality of his wife while mingling, so that he can make it clear they are married while at the same time promoting his wife in her circle. Or if he has a hard time talking to strangers she can start bringing him only after inviting some of the friends at home for a small dinner party, so he already has some people he is familiar with, other than his wife. He could do the cooking for that dinner party so he can show a skill and it is easy for his wife to keep the habit of having small gatherings at home. Finding out the reason behind the needs is also useful in determining compatibility. If jealous guys really turn you off, husband #2 would just not be for you and you would really resent catering to his needs, even if it takes little effort. If you are opposed to wives who have a social circle separate from you, you need to avoid ending up wit wife #1 |
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Post by anne12 on Jun 7, 2018 9:41:34 GMT
"In the advice, the DA is expected to completely cater to the AP, maybe because the AP partner is actually too anxious to feel at ease with even average behaviour. In that case, I'd rather advice the couple to split."
I do not find that she advices the dismissive to completly cater the other person. And I find it a bit extreme to advice the coulpe to split.
How can sending your partner an eyegaze across the room at a big party be babysitting - just cheking in if your partner is okay - it takes 2 seconds?
Diane explains an eyegaze (beam gleam) can make you and your partner feel more securely attatced. It is also a "coming into secure" exersice for all attatcmentstyles.
Or presenting your partner to people at a big party or a big family birthday? (First time meetings). It is your "pack/tribe" and some people from you tribe do not ask questions or talk that much. Your partner could just need a little push, to feel comftable in big gatherings (sometimes it can be helpfull to be able to smalltalk and mingle, when you have a "intro liner", because your partner have already told you, how the person is related to your partner).
It dosent have to have anything to do with beeing AP and "needy".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2018 16:23:17 GMT
"In the advice, the DA is expected to completely cater to the AP, maybe because the AP partner is actually too anxious to feel at ease with even average behaviour. In that case, I'd rather advice the couple to split." I do not find that she advices the dismissive to completly cater the other person. And I find it a bit extreme to advice the coulpe to split. How can sending your partner an eyegaze across the room at a big party be babysitting? Diane explains an eyegaze (beam gleam) can make you and your partner feel more securely attatced. It is also a "coming into secure" exersice for all attatcmentstyles. Or presenting your partner to people at a big party or big family birthday? (First time meetings) I would only make me feel welcome, and I could mingle around talking to people. for me, it's just the idea that my partner would need validation about our connection this way. when i am with someone, i find it much more endearing to be able to relax into a shared affinity, without constantly having to affirm it. other things in the relationship affirm intimacy and connection, for me. it's just different styles and why i would rather be with a securely grown dismissive than an anxious. it just speaks to the opposite styles. if a da and ap forge a relationship then these tips could help if they like it, i've just been weighing in with another perspective and i totally get where goldi is coming from. it's a difference between attachment style needs, as i see it. the need for continuous validation is difficult for me to appreciate. but i do see it as a hallmark of the attachment style anxious preoccupied, and see that it's just doffeeent from my needs. |
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Post by anne12 on Jun 7, 2018 16:36:30 GMT
Yes, everybody is different. Indtroducing your partner to family and friends or coworkers by telling about them at first time meetings I do not see as the need for continuous validation. I think it´s just beeing polite.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2018 17:03:29 GMT
Yes, everybody is different. Indtroducing your partner to family and friends or coworkers by telling about them at first time meetings I do not see as the need for continuous validation. I think it´s just beeing polite. i totally understand that. every couple is different. my most satisfying relationship has been worh an outgoing confident person who happily introduced themselves, with the open acknowledgement we were in this together and i did the same . it's just a different dynamic, a different "couple culture" if you will. when dealing with a DA, this might not be an uncommon perspective so it might be helpful to know why this might not be spontaneously happening. even experts who are not DA could benefit from a da perspective, and this is just one of them . i'm not trying to be combative, just speaking from the da perspective as it is very misunderstood a lot of the time. |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 7, 2018 17:16:04 GMT
I read the OP as doing X, Y and Z rather than just one of these, hence the catering the AP. My apologies for misinterpreting.
You meant well and I am sure the practice can be useful for some people.
That said, I do think coupledom is not holy, and if people are incompatible it is okay to split, especially if the relationship has not yet resulted in marriage and/or childen. DA and AP together have an extremely high chance of ending up abusive. I have not yet seen research that shows if therapy reduces that risk to an acceptable level.
I'm definitely a warm and polite person and happy to put shy people at ease. That said, I would not want to be in a relationship with a very needy man as I would feel a greater sense of freedom with a man who is more self sufficient, which in turn brings me closer to him. I prefer growing intimacy over showing intimacy.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 22:14:21 GMT
I will admit that when B would take me to family gatherings...he would often just disappear...wanting to mix and mingle....at first this did bother me a bit as I really liked the idea of being known as a couple by being around each other...but I realized this was just him engaging with his family and was not anything personal.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 11:50:41 GMT
Goldi "I'm definitely a warm and polite person and happy to put shy people at ease." Of cource you are, and also Juniper! I think a lot of us can sence that! thank you Anne |
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