fara
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Post by fara on May 10, 2018 2:14:33 GMT
my ex was da and fa i think. we had a very good connection for awhile. we even started out as best friends for awhile before dating. we were like two peas in a pod.
after we broke up, i asked him if he was ever in love with me. he said "yes, i was in love with you at times." what? for the life of me i cannot understand that. you either are or you aren't in love, right? he has a straight up aversion to admitting feelings. he wouldn't even tell his mother that he loved her on the phone if i was in the room. i used to have a hard time admitting i loved certain people in my life too, so i do feel for him on many levels, because it's hard to go through that.
also when i told him that i loved him for the first time, he did not believe me. i got so upset because he thought i was lying for some reason. he felt really bad later that day though and told me that he would do anything in the world for me, but he couldn't muster up that he loved me. and then later he did eventually tell me that he loved me and we would say it to each other from time to time.
does the comment about "being in love with me at times" point back to the fearful aspect of avoidance? i am trying to understand this. i suspect it was some kind of shield, but maybe i'm wrong. i tended to misinterpret him.
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robin
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Post by robin on May 10, 2018 7:34:43 GMT
I think many people would misinterpret mixed messages, which is what he gave you. What a mindfuck.
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Post by mrob on May 10, 2018 9:04:28 GMT
The compassion drippeth. Thanks for the language, by the way.
I have had times where I’ve been spooked by something small, have wanted to run but haven’t. At that time, did I love her passionately? No, I was scared and had to come back to a point of being available and loving. My relation to the world isn’t sunshine and buttercups. It’s closeness followed by totally unreasonable terror and back again.
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2018 11:54:14 GMT
I think this is a difference in perspective between AP/DA......as an AP my focus/fixation is on the relationship...and as I understand the DA perspective, it is focused/fixated on things outside the relationship. When I read his comment to you, I felt like he was being honest from his perspective.....but it isn't because of you Fara...it is because his lens is focused elsewhere...so yes, his experience is that he loved you at times. As an AP, I would say that I loved my partner all the time...but that is because my lens is all about my relationship....so it would not make sense for me to ever lose my feelings of love...because then there would be no point to the relationship for me.
Put another way....an AP can be all in while a DA would be partially in, taking time etc. And it would be a good idea to check if what you felt as love was really more "longing for love". Because as APs, we can sense that the DA isn't all in and that creates the longing we experienced with our caregiver. Our answer was to not give up...to keep focusing on the relationship and have hope for a different outcome.. This is why AP/DA partnerships can be tricky to navigate.
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Post by mrob on May 10, 2018 15:24:39 GMT
I think this is a difference in perspective between AP/DA......as an AP my focus/fixation is on the relationship...and as I understand the DA perspective, it is focused/fixated on things outside the relationship. When I read his comment to you, I felt like he was being honest from his perspective.....but it isn't because of you Fara...it is because his lens is focused elsewhere...so yes, his experience is that he loved you at times. As an AP, I would say that I loved my partner all the time...but that is because my lens is all about my relationship....so it would not make sense for me to ever lose my feelings of love...because then there would be no point to the relationship for me. Put another way....an AP can be all in while a DA would be partially in, taking time etc. And it would be a good idea to check if what you felt as love was really more "longing for love". Because as APs, we can sense that the DA isn't all in and that creates the longing we experienced with our caregiver. Our answer was to not give up...to keep focusing on the relationship and have hope for a different outcome.. This is why AP/DA partnerships can be tricky to navigate. Imagine being an FA. All the good stuff of a DA minus the self esteem with a good smattering of AP in the right wind. |
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Post by mrob on May 10, 2018 15:24:51 GMT
I think this is a difference in perspective between AP/DA......as an AP my focus/fixation is on the relationship...and as I understand the DA perspective, it is focused/fixated on things outside the relationship. When I read his comment to you, I felt like he was being honest from his perspective.....but it isn't because of you Fara...it is because his lens is focused elsewhere...so yes, his experience is that he loved you at times. As an AP, I would say that I loved my partner all the time...but that is because my lens is all about my relationship....so it would not make sense for me to ever lose my feelings of love...because then there would be no point to the relationship for me. Put another way....an AP can be all in while a DA would be partially in, taking time etc. And it would be a good idea to check if what you felt as love was really more "longing for love". Because as APs, we can sense that the DA isn't all in and that creates the longing we experienced with our caregiver. Our answer was to not give up...to keep focusing on the relationship and have hope for a different outcome.. This is why AP/DA partnerships can be tricky to navigate. Imagine being an FA. All the good stuff of a DA minus the self esteem with a good smattering of AP in the right wind. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2018 15:50:26 GMT
I think this is a difference in perspective between AP/DA......as an AP my focus/fixation is on the relationship...and as I understand the DA perspective, it is focused/fixated on things outside the relationship. When I read his comment to you, I felt like he was being honest from his perspective.....but it isn't because of you Fara...it is because his lens is focused elsewhere...so yes, his experience is that he loved you at times. As an AP, I would say that I loved my partner all the time...but that is because my lens is all about my relationship....so it would not make sense for me to ever lose my feelings of love...because then there would be no point to the relationship for me. Put another way....an AP can be all in while a DA would be partially in, taking time etc. And it would be a good idea to check if what you felt as love was really more "longing for love". Because as APs, we can sense that the DA isn't all in and that creates the longing we experienced with our caregiver. Our answer was to not give up...to keep focusing on the relationship and have hope for a different outcome.. This is why AP/DA partnerships can be tricky to navigate. Imagine being an FA. All the good stuff of a DA minus the self esteem with a good smattering of AP in the right wind. Oh....I can only imagine the challenges of having "both" insecure attachments. |
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fara
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by fara on May 11, 2018 1:11:05 GMT
I think many people would misinterpret mixed messages, which is what he gave you. What a mindfuck. exactly. i was so confused. |
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fara
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Posts: 19
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Post by fara on May 11, 2018 1:13:30 GMT
The compassion drippeth. Thanks for the language, by the way. I have had times where I’ve been spooked by something small, have wanted to run but haven’t. At that time, did I love her passionately? No, I was scared and had to come back to a point of being available and loving. My relation to the world isn’t sunshine and buttercups. It’s closeness followed by totally unreasonable terror and back again. oh wow. mrob, you have great insight. i have read some of your other posts to other members here before. i cannot thank you enough. your answers make so much sense. i'm pretty sure that is what he must have been doing. i think you and my ex have so much in common. do you think that you are ever able to love somebody passionately? or does that cause terror too? |
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fara
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by fara on May 11, 2018 1:16:12 GMT
I think this is a difference in perspective between AP/DA......as an AP my focus/fixation is on the relationship...and as I understand the DA perspective, it is focused/fixated on things outside the relationship. When I read his comment to you, I felt like he was being honest from his perspective.....but it isn't because of you Fara...it is because his lens is focused elsewhere...so yes, his experience is that he loved you at times. As an AP, I would say that I loved my partner all the time...but that is because my lens is all about my relationship....so it would not make sense for me to ever lose my feelings of love...because then there would be no point to the relationship for me. Put another way....an AP can be all in while a DA would be partially in, taking time etc. And it would be a good idea to check if what you felt as love was really more "longing for love". Because as APs, we can sense that the DA isn't all in and that creates the longing we experienced with our caregiver. Our answer was to not give up...to keep focusing on the relationship and have hope for a different outcome.. This is why AP/DA partnerships can be tricky to navigate. this kind of reminds me a bit of what mrob said. thank you so much! it really makes so much sense! his lens was totally focused outside of me, you are right. my lens is truly all about my relationships. i'm either all in or all out, so for me to say that i was in love "at times," well that would make no sense at all! and yes, i think a lot of it was longing. wow, i feel like this has all been an "A-HA" moment. thank you! |
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fara
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Posts: 19
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Post by fara on May 11, 2018 1:17:50 GMT
so does this make him more FA than DA?
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Post by tnr9 on May 11, 2018 2:29:32 GMT
so does this make him more FA than DA? I think that focusing outside the relationship is a DA trait...however, I do not believe there is enough here to say whether he is DA or FA. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 11, 2018 2:45:26 GMT
Fara...be careful about putting too much attention on him....I know that it would be comforting to know if he is FA or DA but since he isn't your boyfriend anymore....the focus can now be on you and on your healing.
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fara
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by fara on May 11, 2018 3:19:46 GMT
Fara...be careful about putting too much attention on him....I know that it would be comforting to know if he is FA or DA but since he isn't your boyfriend anymore....the focus can now be on you and on your healing. that is true. i am getting better at focusing on myself, but there are random times during my healing when i suddenly feel like i need to solve something. it's really strange, but i do spend so much less time wondering what happened with him because i have felt so comfortable to ask questions on this forum. at this point, all i care to know is if he did love me. if he cannot offer the consistency of a real relationship, then fine. but if he really did love me, then i can take a lot away from that and feel at peace. i don't want to type out our whole story on here because it is very very long, but there are many times when i do wonder if i was kept around because he loved me or if he just wanted companionship? i feel like he did actually love me. i really did feel that love from him. i know he cared a lot about me. we broke up because he could not handle a relationship in addition to his unique stressful life situations at the time. but i would still like to hear what others say they think the difference is. how do you determine one from the other? (DA/FAs who have love for you versus just wanting companionship?) |
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Post by tnr9 on May 11, 2018 8:18:43 GMT
Fara...be careful about putting too much attention on him....I know that it would be comforting to know if he is FA or DA but since he isn't your boyfriend anymore....the focus can now be on you and on your healing. that is true. i am getting better at focusing on myself, but there are random times during my healing when i suddenly feel like i need to solve something. it's really strange, but i do spend so much less time wondering what happened with him because i have felt so comfortable to ask questions on this forum. at this point, all i care to know is if he did love me. if he cannot offer the consistency of a real relationship, then fine. but if he really did love me, then i can take a lot away from that and feel at peace. i don't want to type out our whole story on here because it is very very long, but there are many times when i do wonder if i was kept around because he loved me or if he just wanted companionship? i feel like he did actually love me. i really did feel that love from him. i know he cared a lot about me. we broke up because he could not handle a relationship in addition to his unique stressful life situations at the time. but i would still like to hear what others say they think the difference is. how do you determine one from the other? (DA/FAs who have love for you versus just wanting companionship?) Fara..I don't think the determination of FA versus DA will answer your question....I think you already have it. He already said he loved you...from his perspective...so just go with that answer.😀 As APs, we tend to want "love" on our terms..full tilt, head on....and we get disappointed with anything less...but what he said to you is an honest answer from him and I think you should just allow yourself to take it in. |
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