in love with me... at times? what? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

in love with me... at times? what? May 17, 2018 2:51:51 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on May 17, 2018 2:51:51 GMT

May 17, 2018 0:23:49 GMT leavethelighton said:

May 14, 2018 17:41:56 GMT robin said:

. . . . I cannot imagine that any secure person would be compelled to relentlessly analyse why an avoidant behaves as they do. AP's here do so because they sincerely want to know what they could have done differently.

This forum is an enlightening resource and I am deeply appreciative for the insights of its avoidant members like yourself, mrob . It takes both sides, I know. The best threads here are those where both AP's and avoidants patiently explain their inner workings to each other.

Wow, this is so true. I've spent so much of my life relentlessly analyzing the "why." It can seem so important to know it, to figure it out, to really UNDERSTAND. It has taken me a long time to really accept that there are situations I will not be able to understand.

It's true, I never want to give up. It can be very difficult to really accept that we can or should give up. I recently gave up on a friendship after 10 years of the struggle, and only because something about an entire decade made me realize how long 10 years is. Like, if someone wanted you in their life, they'd figure it out in less than 10 years, right?

Do I really have to give up??? (kidding)

And yet...I think in the process of wanting to know...of pressing for the "why", an AP will surely trigger engulfment triggers in aDA..it sucks...we go round and round in push/pull cycles...and it is an absolute miracle when we find a "moment" of stillness. Still..I think it is valuable to see the other side's valid needs and try our best to honor them.

For the avoidant side: Be aware of your partner’s anxious assumptions. Know their need for response … and respond. This is the common commerce of relationship: bid and respond. Ask for attention and receive attention. While it sounds simple, it is far from easy. Without it, the relationship cannot survive over time. Focus on consistent connection, because this is where their wounding happened. And this may trigger you.

For the anxious side: Be aware of your partner’s avoidant perceptions and strategies. They are as valid as your panic. Tatkin suggests: “If your partner needs time to switch to people mode, ask lovingly for that switch within the next 10 minutes or hour, and put yourself in a place where they can come to you versus you approaching them (which feels like threat and gets equated with control).” In other words, focus on their sense of agency and freedom, acknowledging their wholeness and their right to choose their own life (even when those choices seem insignificant in the grand scheme), because this is where their wounding happened. If you can show them that you respect their valid, separate needs, and that you are not burdened or harmed by them, they may feel honored at a core level, and they may feel safe to love you.