Why be secretive....

Most behaviours have an underlying motivation - being secretive might give a person a sense of control, of being in charge of their own life by choosing whether or not to share information. Also as a form of self preservation - retaining autonomy when either another was trying to push boundaries or ones own boundaries were somewhat loose.

Some personality types don't feel the need to share - and perhaps this could be interpreted as being secretive.

I tend to find myself being secretive when I am threatened - when I doubt another person's motive, am mistrustful, am attempting to retain a certain distance in relationships.

In the above cases their really is nothing to hide - it's a coping mechanism, a form of control, of self protection.

Sometimes it feels (I say feels, because feelings are not facts ) that there is a fine line between secrecy and lies?

Or at the very least, it's easy to become mistrustful of someone when you know they are holding things back from you. Maybe it's the mass medias portrayal of what a romantic relationship is supposed to look like that is to blame. Reading the accounts on here, I can see how for some people, sharing too much too soon, or at all, could be very scary. Again, potentially it highlights the mismatch between types if someone needs a level of emotional intimacy which includes feeling like you really "know" the person, and the other person simply can't offer that.

Yes it is and that changes when you get into a relationship.

Not all relationships are the same, certainly not at the outset. Everyone knows everything about my mother. I don’t do that. My private stuff is private. Within a relationship, perhaps the question is where is the line between privacy and secrecy?

Then what's the purpose of being in a relationship if you aren't going to open up? Are partners there for utilitarian purposes? Is it because avoidants need to feel a sense of control and independence, so they reel partners in long enough to get someone to chase them in order to get a sense of control and a self-esteem boost?

since I'm "better off" alone, no, I'd not enter a relationship for utilitarian purposes.

You're asking about being emotionally unavailable, not about being secretive then. I, as well as my DA, have opened up and shared with very personal things when we feel it's safe to do so(it's easy to get triggered). On the other hand we don't share every little detail from our lives. I don't think it's necessary to have an emotionally intimate relationship.

I just don't like to feel someone's breath on my back.


If you want DA, or anyone, to open up, you have to create a safe space first, rather than just have expectations.