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Post by goldilocks on May 15, 2018 20:17:52 GMT
Then what's the purpose of being in a relationship if you aren't going to open up? Are partners there for utilitarian purposes? Is it because avoidants need to feel a sense of control and independence, so they reel partners in long enough to get someone to chase them in order to get a sense of control and a self-esteem boost? since I'm "better off" alone, no, I'd not enter a relationship for utilitarian purposes. You're asking about being emotionally unavailable, not about being secretive then. I, as well as my DA, have opened up and shared with very personal things when we feel it's safe to do so(it's easy to get triggered). On the other hand we don't share every little detail from our lives. I don't think it's necessary to have an emotionally intimate relationship. I just don't like to feel someone's breath on my back. If you want DA, or anyone, to open up, you have to create a safe space first, rather than just have expectations. I'm on a similar page, It takes time for me to want to open up and if someone can consistently show up as safe over the long run, I can open up. My friends that I have known for over a decade have taught me that. And for me at least, if a man is willing to create a safe space consistently, I'd love to learn to have an emotionally open relationship. However, if that scenario is not in the cards for me, the next best thing is safety in my own company. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 15, 2018 20:39:10 GMT
I had a rather insightful experience when I tried to go through the "36 questions that lead to love" with B....it was pretty darn disastrous really. B did not want to answer many of them and the ones he did answer, he was really defensive about....I got the hint and stopped after question 8 I think. After that, I figured if he wanted to share something...he would bring it up,
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Post by yasmin on May 16, 2018 1:01:34 GMT
since I'm "better off" alone, no, I'd not enter a relationship for utilitarian purposes. You're asking about being emotionally unavailable, not about being secretive then. I, as well as my DA, have opened up and shared with very personal things when we feel it's safe to do so(it's easy to get triggered). On the other hand we don't share every little detail from our lives. I don't think it's necessary to have an emotionally intimate relationship. I just don't like to feel someone's breath on my back. If you want DA, or anyone, to open up, you have to create a safe space first, rather than just have expectations. I'm on a similar page, It takes time for me to want to open up and if someone can consistently show up as safe over the long run, I can open up. My friends that I have known for over a decade have taught me that. And for me at least, if a man is willing to create a safe space consistently, I'd love to learn to have an emotionally open relationship. However, if that scenario is not in the cards for me, the next best thing is safety in my own company. I feel the same. I'd be very happy to be happy with someone but 99% of the time I feel better off alone so in that mindset you don't easily invite people inside |
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Post by yasmin on May 16, 2018 1:03:44 GMT
I had a rather insightful experience when I tried to go through the "36 questions that lead to love" with B....it was pretty darn disastrous really. B did not want to answer many of them and the ones he did answer, he was really defensive about....I got the hint and stopped after question 8 I think. After that, I figured if he wanted to share something...he would bring it up, See if someone did that to me, I'd feel very manipulated. They are 36 questions to fall in love and for me that's going to make me feel instantly pushed into something false. It would be a cute / fun activity for some people but it's quite a loaded activity really if your actual intention is to get someone to fall in love with you. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 16, 2018 1:25:00 GMT
I had a rather insightful experience when I tried to go through the "36 questions that lead to love" with B....it was pretty darn disastrous really. B did not want to answer many of them and the ones he did answer, he was really defensive about....I got the hint and stopped after question 8 I think. After that, I figured if he wanted to share something...he would bring it up, See if someone did that to me, I'd feel very manipulated. They are 36 questions to fall in love and for me that's going to make me feel instantly pushed into something false. It would be a cute / fun activity for some people but it's quite a loaded activity really if your actual intention is to get someone to fall in love with you. Oh..I understand...it wasn't a great choice of questions to get to know someone. |
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flic
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Post by flic on May 16, 2018 5:30:03 GMT
See if someone did that to me, I'd feel very manipulated. They are 36 questions to fall in love and for me that's going to make me feel instantly pushed into something false. It would be a cute / fun activity for some people but it's quite a loaded activity really if your actual intention is to get someone to fall in love with you. Oh..I understand...it wasn't a great choice of questions to get to know someone. My exes therapist actually gave him that exercise to do with me when we were a couple, when he was trying to allow himself to be more vulnerable with me. I think it's actually designed for couples - to help them learn about each other in a safe way? For me, I appreciated it because it showed he WANTED to open up more, and for him it was a safe way of doing so. Didn't save the relationship, obviously, but I think if it's initiated by the Avoidant it can be really useful. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 16, 2018 10:21:54 GMT
Oh..I understand...it wasn't a great choice of questions to get to know someone. My exes therapist actually gave him that exercise to do with me when we were a couple, when he was trying to allow himself to be more vulnerable with me. I think it's actually designed for couples - to help them learn about each other in a safe way? For me, I appreciated it because it showed he WANTED to open up more, and for him it was a safe way of doing so. Didn't save the relationship, obviously, but I think if it's initiated by the Avoidant it can be really useful. I could see that flic...in my case, I thought it would be a unique way to get to know B. I did not tell him where I got the questions but simply said I wanted us to know some different things about each other then the standard questions. I guess..to Yasmin's earlier post..he must have felt that there was a manipulative aspect to them and as such, he shut down. This was really early in our relationship so it really was not a good choice by me. |
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flic
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Post by flic on May 16, 2018 12:32:40 GMT
My exes therapist actually gave him that exercise to do with me when we were a couple, when he was trying to allow himself to be more vulnerable with me. I think it's actually designed for couples - to help them learn about each other in a safe way? For me, I appreciated it because it showed he WANTED to open up more, and for him it was a safe way of doing so. Didn't save the relationship, obviously, but I think if it's initiated by the Avoidant it can be really useful. I could see that flic...in my case, I thought it would be a unique way to get to know B. I did not tell him where I got the questions but simply said I wanted us to know some different things about each other then the standard questions. I guess..to Yasmin's earlier post..he must have felt that there was a manipulative aspect to them and as such, he shut down. This was really early in our relationship so it really was not a good choice by me. Yeah, i can why he might have done that. As I said, i think it's a useful tool for Avoidants to use when they want to be more vulnerable. APs prob don't need more ammunition for leaning in  |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 17, 2018 0:35:23 GMT
In the relationship where I've been most DA, I don't even think I realized for years that I was being in any way secretive. It's almost like I had an inner world headspace that was mine and it didn't even OCCUR to me to share it. It was just so insular. After years of the relationship I eventually realized there were major aspects of my inner world that I never talked about. Maybe it also comes from having kept some sort of diary/journal avidly like AVIDLY since about the age of 9 and for decades after.
It reminds me of the ways in my youth it never occurred to me to talk about certain things with my parents. There wasn't a conscious choice/decision not to that I can recall. It was not like it felt like a secret life. Maybe it didn't even seem possible to share it. It just never occurred to me to share it in the same way there were many, many times it never occurred to me to ask anyone for help with any of my struggles.
I think a DA person may obviously keep some secrets on purpose or not share certain things so as to not hurt another person, but it may also be that the inner nature feels so normal and like the cruz of their identity to the point they may not quite realize how "secretive" they are being.
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Post by kelvain on May 17, 2018 4:15:52 GMT
My ex DA purposely kept things from me because she needed to be in control. OMG...I am sooooo glad I am done with all that!
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