Post by bananaleaf on May 16, 2018 17:21:57 GMT
I have been dating the most wonderful man for the last 2.5 months, and I really like him, enjoy spending time with him and I know he enjoys my company and we’ve gotten close. He is Avoidant, he experienced abuse from his father as a child, which his mother stood by and watched as she was also being abused- through fear she didn’t protect him. He’s Hugh functioning as a CEO of a very large company, and has a very busy and full life at work.
About me: I’m also a CEO of a global company, I’m also a single mother of two girls. I live 2.5 hours from him, but spend 3-4 days a week with him during the week as I work in his city, and also every other weekend. I am also anxious avoidant or co-dependant (I’ve not had any formal formal person tell me this, other than one coach I’ve worked with) I don’t know if there is a difference.
We met online, (I’m smiling as I write this) I was going on lots of dates and didn’t think for a second that it would ever work out between us when we started chatting, as he is 5 years younger than me, and I always dated men who were 10-15 years older than me. But, my assistant at work told me to give him a chance… I was scared the first time we arranged a date and I cancelled last minute… fast forward a week later and we met, and ended up seeing eachother each night for 5 days.
Two weeks later he took me to Paris for the weekend, and 4 weeks after that, we travelled 6,000 miles across the planet to have 2 weeks on a tiny island together- spending every waking, and sleeping moment together, which was a first for him, and me! It was paradise, and I left on the plane thinking that it was either going to be amazing, or, we were going to fall out and annoy each other and it’d be done… we had the most amazing time, thankfully.
During the last few weeks on our trip, we got very close. We both cried when I had to leave after the 39 hour journey home, as we didn’t want to part. He confided in me that he has suffered with sexual addiction in the past to Pornography, watching it for 2-4 hours a night, and suffered with a sexting addiction on dating apps. He said that he has an overwhelming need to start porn/dating apps when he thinks that the person isn’t right.
Also, He originally told me his longest relationship was 12 months, then in another conversation it changed to 9 months, and on our holiday he said it was just over 2 months. He’s confided in me that finds tiny faults with the women he dates, convinces himself that she isn’t the one, and can’t see a future with her- as a result when that happens the sex stops, they just become friends essentially, and then it ends. He’s not been in a relationship for 3 years, at all. He’s been in therapy for the above, including being avoidant for 6 years with the same therapist, who he tells me is proud of how far he’s come. He’s been very open about the fact he has these issues, and is aware of it. He’s shared with me that this is the first time he’s been ‘dating’ someone and he’s not had a compulsion to start texting/sexting or watching porn as soon as he finds a small fault with them… I have my faults and I have my issues too.
I guess my reason for writing to your community is that I’m struggling with the following: When we were on our paradise island, I referenced one day that we were in a relationship, to which he said he thought we were just dating. This somewhat upset me, as I thought that you don’t spend every waking moment texting/speaking/facetiming, AND travelling 6,000 miles across the world with someone you’re casually ‘dating’. He said we’d talk about it that night, and randomly over dinner said ‘I guess, ermmmm, we kinda are in a relationship’ to which I said, I didn’t want to rush anything or change the pace of anything. After we got back, I’ve met his Mother, and his brother, which was lovely.
Knowing he was avoidant, I am careful how I speak to him about commitment (which is rare), which is hard for me being anxious. He will say things like “You’re mine” / “You’re my baby girl” / “You’re my special girl” / “You’re my woman” when we’re kissing or falling asleep… or, “I would literally do anything for you…..” / “I like looking after you, and taking care of you” I sent him a late night text telling him I feel love of the purest kind when he’s stressed at work, or sharing the deepest parts of him, his addictions etc, it makes me want to show him love. I stated I wasn’t in love with him, but I loved him as a person who is honest and I care about. He freaked out a little and said nobody had ever said anything like that to him before. We didn’t really talk about it after that. He will say things like “I really care about you” when we’re cuddling, or after we’ve had sex… In a really sincere, sweet way.
The things I’m struggling with are the fact I don’t know what he’s really ever thinking. The guys I normally go for are very very direct about how they feel, and I’ve often I’ve sadly fallen for narcissists who want to be ‘fed’ and that feed me as a anxious to get their fix. SO, Naturally I’m finding dating a non-narcasitsic avoidant hard - as I have to be careful how I approach things, and be patient in the fact he’s not open to talking so much about this feelings towards me, I feel very anxious over certain things- especially when he reads a text and I can see he’s read it, and he doesn’t respond for a while, but, is online. It may only be an hour or so, but it makes me feel very anxious. It also makes me feel anxious, that now we’ve started to ‘settle’ slowly into one another, the intensity of the texting has slowed down…. And he’s happier to text less. I am working on those issues, as I imagine he’s working on his with his therapist. But, I guess I’m just posting because I find it hard.
I find it hard to know how to be when I am insecure and anxious, and because I care about the fact he’s had trauma in his early life, I respect the fact he needs to take things slow. One of the things I worry about is, that, he’ll never truly get serious with me because he doesn’t see it that way. Because I live far away, have kids, these are mental barriers for some people, and may make him feel ‘safe’ as an avoidant. He’s said from the get-go when we started chatting that he’s looking for ‘the one’ and someone to have a serious relationship with and I believe him. I’m just confused if I’m going to get hurt in the long run, or, if he’s just working through some things? As I said, he’s only ever had short relationships, and I worry because of that, he will want to explore other relationships, and not be satisfied by me, long term (if that were to happen) I also worry that he will ‘act out’ on his sexting addiction, and at some point, fall into that. I am already thinking about how I would respond… I know my heart would feel hurt, but at the same time, he’s been honest about this from the first week of dating, and he’s also been in therapy for it for a number of years. I would want to support him on it, and ensure that he knows I understand.
He’s explained that he doesn’t want to ever feel contained and worries that he would feel trapped in a relationship that was very serious. He said that sex doesn’t have to just be emotional sex, and can just be an act of that- sex. If the partner he’s with were to give him the space to have other lovers, he’d probably feel ok about the space he’s given and never want to act on it.
He’s read Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs, and Mating in Captivity, which I’ve also read. He said that a lot of relationships breakdown in his opinion as there is a huge lack of communication when you do want to sleep with someone else, or you’re feeling ignored… if you feel you want to ‘act out’ - and that we should be 100% honest about how we feel towards one another - even if it is that we want to sleep with others, so we can put it right in our relationship.
I’m finding it hard to communicate to him I’d like him to open up more about how he feels about me.
I feel anxious and I’m not doing myself any favours over analysing things. I just feel scared.
