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Post by tnr9 on May 18, 2018 17:05:33 GMT
Doesn't sound AP to me and I am an AP.
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Post by tnr9 on May 18, 2018 17:25:38 GMT
Doesn't sound AP to me and I am an AP. Okay, well I really don't know how to categorize him. Maybe he's just secure. He doesn't really get jealous, too. If he lies to you..then he is not secure...but does it really matter to catagorise him? If it wasn't a good relationship...can you simply say that it wasn't a good fit and move on to someone who doesn't trigger you as much? The fact is, knowing his attachment style really doesn't necessarily help...because people are more then just an attachment style. Sounds like you are better off moving on to someone else. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 18, 2018 17:49:12 GMT
Perhaps some of the male members will have thoughts on it. You can check back later or in the next few days and see if anyone else replies.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2018 21:27:31 GMT
Hi @femaleda.
Have you taken an attachment style test yourself?
I'm DA, and i found it very difficult to relate to your experience in the relationship as i thought your perspective seems to be pretty anxious. I don't understand FA thinking or behavior but perhaps you are an avoidant but FA? I'm just curious and not trying to negate you.
of course, all of us are unique and more than attachment styles.
I would caution you that if you are DA, you will struggle to find much empathy here, many posters are wounded AP, many unable to recognize their contribution to pain.
my therapist pointed me to this website as we work on attachment issues together.
She says that many of the posters perfectly illustrate the hostility and paranoid aspects of AP thinking and behavior.
she actually is using it as a reference to help me address some of the emotional abuse i endured from AP partners and my mother. She is doing this to help me see that i am not alone in what i experienced.
At any rate, I'm sorry you're hurting and i wish you the best.
If you are a DA who is looking to heal from any kind of trauma yourself this may not be a good venue.
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Post by bedlam71 on May 19, 2018 0:42:27 GMT
Hi @femaleda. Have you taken an attachment style test yourself? I'm DA, and i found it very difficult to relate to your experience in the relationship as i thought your perspective seems to be pretty anxious. I don't understand FA thinking or behavior but perhaps you are an avoidant but FA? I'm just curious and not trying to negate you. of course, all of us are unique and more than attachment styles. I would caution you that if you are DA, you will struggle to find much empathy here, many posters are wounded AP, many unable to recognize their contribution to pain. my therapist pointed me to this website as we work on attachment issues together. She says that many of the posters perfectly illustrate the hostility and paranoid aspects of AP thinking and behavior. she actually is using it as a reference to help me address some of the emotional abuse i endured from AP partners and my mother. She is doing this to help me see that i am not alone in what i experienced. At any rate, I'm sorry you're hurting and i wish you the best. If you are a DA who is looking to heal from any kind of trauma yourself this may not be a good venue. I certainly hope your therapist is working on your contribution to the relationship. Relationships are transactional and you reinforced some of those AP behaviors. |
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2018 0:44:40 GMT
Hi @femaleda . Have you taken an attachment style test yourself? I'm DA, and i found it very difficult to relate to your experience in the relationship as i thought your perspective seems to be pretty anxious. I don't understand FA thinking or behavior but perhaps you are an avoidant but FA? I'm just curious and not trying to negate you. of course, all of us are unique and more than attachment styles. I would caution you that if you are DA, you will struggle to find much empathy here, many posters are wounded AP, many unable to recognize their contribution to pain. my therapist pointed me to this website as we work on attachment issues together. She says that many of the posters perfectly illustrate the hostility and paranoid aspects of AP thinking and behavior. she actually is using it as a reference to help me address some of the emotional abuse i endured from AP partners and my mother. She is doing this to help me see that i am not alone in what i experienced. At any rate, I'm sorry you're hurting and i wish you the best. If you are a DA who is looking to heal from any kind of trauma yourself this may not be a good venue. I certainly hope your therapist is working on your contribution to the relationship. Relationships are transactional and you reinforced some of those AP behaviors. duly noted advice from one of the most hostile, paranoid, and judge mental posters here  |
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2018 0:51:46 GMT
returning the favor, bedlam71 , apply that enormous insight to all of your posts and questions and see that you are in fact part of your problem, a fact you rarely if ever acknowledge. Your posts have been a topic more than once, as they are highly provocative and judgemental. we can all learn from that. |
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Post by bedlam71 on May 19, 2018 1:02:01 GMT
That's funny
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2018 1:06:36 GMT
indeed! let's end it on a good note, shall we? i've read your stuff with interest , you have been struggling to understand for a while, concentrating the entire months that you've been here on your ex partner, or on avoidants, rather than your own contribution. you are guilty of not taking your own "therapist" advice. is that because you are a therapist? |
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Post by bedlam71 on May 19, 2018 1:20:18 GMT
I think most people are on this site to gain understanding of others behaviors. In turn, this can help with personal awareness. Isn't that what your therapist is having you do? And also, my original comment to your post is factual. Relationships are transactional and we reinforce behaviors in each other. So who is paranoid?
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Post by goldilocks on May 19, 2018 22:33:46 GMT
Hello from a DA woman :-) I'm a DA who just came out of a long straining relationship. It's going to be a pretty long post. I think I need to write everything down to calm myself down and draw a line. So, here we go: I met him 6 years ago on a language exchange website. I was just starting to learn the language of his country at that time and he was not that good at English either, but there was an instant connection. He told me that he didn't have a good relationship with his parents. He was studying in another city away from his parents, but admitted that he often felt lonely (I guess he might be an AP, but I'm not sure). The fact that he lived independently and didn't have much contact with his parents appealed to me. Even before we met in real life he would imply that he's interested in me, even more so when I told him that I had not dated anyone so far. What bothered me was, that sometimes he would tell me about other girls he was talking to and send screenshots of "funny conversations" he had with them. Although we were not officially dating I felt that nasty jealousy welling up in me. Thinking about it now, it would be an instant dealbreaker. What emotionas do you tend to feel when you feel jealous? What narrative to you tend to form? More along the lines of fear and thinking you may lose him or do you feel mostly put off and a decrease of attraction? do you feel the urge to withdraw or the urge to fight? We kept on chatting everyday until I finally visited his country for the first time (that trip was planned even before I got to know him). Since he was travelling himself in the first week of my stay in his country we had decided to meet 1 day after he came back from his trip. But since I met all my friends in the first week I had nobody to meet on the day he came back which I told him. He said that we could meet on the day he arrives, so we met for the first time in real life 1 day before we had actually planned to meet. We didn't talk that much, but he would come very close and even find ways to touch me somehow. Like taking my hand examining it or put is arm behind my back when we were sitting. I found it strange that someone does these things with a person he meets for the first time, but I didn't say anything, because I was afraid that it would have made things awkward. 1 week was left until I would go back to my country. On the 3rd day we met he suddenly took my hand which was the official beginning of our relationship. He liked being close and touching a lot and he seemed so happy and was smiling all the time. Sometimes he would show me something on his phone and whenever he did there was a message arriving from one of his female online friends which I didn't like. But at that time I was talking to other guys too, so I couldn't say anything. After several days I went back to my country and we were having a long distance relationship. Shortly after I arrived back home he would tell me that he loves me. It was late night and I was falling asleep, but as soon as he said those words I got so excited, but I just pretended to sleep and not have heard it. On the next day I told him that I felt so happy that he said it to me, but couldn't say it back.
Did you reallu want to be in the relationship? Did you like him enough to be exclusive? Did you actually trust him with your heart? Later I would sometimes resent him for not replying to my messages for several hours and I would do the same on purpose. Once he apparently wanted to show me a picture so he send a screenshot. What popped up? A message arriving from one of his female friends. It was driving me mad. I didn't believe that he didn't do it on purpose as he always insisted. I felt like he wanted to make me jealous and I started to resent him. I would also start to send him screenshots of conversations I had with other guys. After 6 months of separation I would travel to his country again. This time I did not make a lot of appointments with my friends since I wanted to spend more time with him. At that time he was staying in his parents' house since the semester was over. I thought he could spend the nights with me, but he would meet me during the day and go back home, because his parents told him so he said. I was disappointed, but at least I could spend daytime with him. Then on one day he suddenly had to go to a wedding. I was all by myself. I don't think he didn't know that in advance, but that's what he had told me. Got over it, too. Then one night I came back from a trip to another city and I wasn't feeling good. Since he was worried he called his parents and lied to them that he wouldn't come home because one of his friend was sick. I was ok with him lying because in his country people are pretty conservative about dating and stuff. He stayed the night. How did his behaviour make you feel? Was your response in line with your feelings? On another day he would ask me if I want to marry him. We had dated only 6 months then. First I asked when? He said when we're both ready. I said ok. Kind of ironic because when I was younger I would always make jokes that I don't need a boyfriend and that I will never get married etc. Anyway, I came back to my country again and 6 months later I asked him to visit me. He said that he didn't have enough money. I said that I would buy him a plane ticket and he could stay at my place, which he first refused, because it would be too much of a burden. We got into an argument. I felt betrayed because he would always say how much he missed me and how much he wants to be together with me, but would never make any attempts to actually visit me or help me financially so I could visit him. That's why I got mad when I offered him a way to be together at least for a few weeks. Eventually he gave in and came to visit me. Yes, I know. I should never have done that. It would be something that I would later resent him for. Did you truly want to be engaged? "Ok" is not a typical response to a proposal. A few months later it was time for me to spend 1 year in his country as an exchange student. He was working in another city at that time. But I wanted him to live with me, because I was afraid and insecure living in another country for 1 year. The thought of having someone to help me with bureaucratical stuff made me feel saver. Again, he was reluctant at first, because it would mean that he gives up his job and I provide for him in the beginning until he finds a new job in the city. But again, eventually he agreed and for the first time we spent 1 year living together. Big mistake. It took him quite a bit to find a job. I started to resent him. How can one trust someone so blindly and give everything up just for one person? Also, at his job he had to work in shifts and very long hours. I grew insecure and felt left and abandoned. He was really destroying his health with that job and I felt sorry. But at the same time there were so many inconveniences and behaviors of him that made me resent him even more. He did not know how to handle money. He bought things that were completely unnecessary. I resented him for all of that. The list of things I didn't like about him grew and grew. At some point I wanted him to stop talking to his female online friends and was even jealous of his male friends. He said he would break up contact and delete the messenger app on his phone. However, when I checked he had just hidden it keeping on talking to his female friends. I felt so hurt and devastated. This happened several times. He would always say and do the things I demanded just to please me only to keep on doing them behind my back. My resentment towards him grew to no end. At some point I was so sick and tired and decided to do exactly the same thing. Lie to him. He had blocked one of my male friends because of some conversation that seemed too flirty to him. I contacted that friend again and would meet him behind my bf's back. It worked, my bf had no clue. I didn't feel guilty, because he deserved no better. During that 1 year we lived together things started to get worse, I got depressed and I couldn't wait to get back to my country away from my bf that I resented and felt betrayed and suffocated by. [/quote] Both of you sound jealous and resentful and mistrusting one another. When I got back I had no plan. I dropped out of university (which I wanted to do anyway) and got back to my hometown. It was the darkest time of my life I can remember. My bf was in a hole. No proper job, he literally had to live from day to day. We argued a lot. He wanted to be together with me as soon as possible, but I needed some space. He expected me to find a job as soon as I arrived and when I said that I didn't want to work a needed some rest he blamed me for not doing anything to get together. He, who had never really contributed anything. I was the one who visited him and bought him a plane ticket. Why did I have to hear such nonsense from him? He said I was lazy and he was the one who works hard. Sure, he was physically working hard, but I had mental issues. I resented him so much for putting me under pressure when my life was just as messy as his.
At some point I just couldn't stand him anymore. I hold him he should take care of himself, because I wouldn't be there anymore. I wanted to break up. But he called me and told me that he doesn't want to break up because he still loves me. Unfortunately, I gave in. At that time he was also getting closer to his parents again, but apparently still not able to ask them for help. So he asked me for money. Later he told me he did that because he didn't want to burden his mother. Oh really? You don't want to burden your mother, but your girlfriend who is much more suffering now you can burden? I broke up with him after that incidence 2 more times. But whenever I did, after some time I started to miss him (or miss being with someone?) and we would get back together. Then a few months ago he came to my country on his own on a 1-year-visa. Unfortunately I was stupid enough to let him live with me again. I would pay the rent, instead he would pay for our food and stuff. But same thing happened, I started to resent him and all the things I thought I had forgotten came up again. I was jealous of him having female friends, watching explicit stuff, even listening to music from girls that acted sexy. I never felt secure with him. I always felt that he was lying to me. I couldn't trust him. And it turned out he WAS lying all the time. Even if I caught him doing the same sh*t again and again he wouldn't admit it, he would say that he wouldn't do it in the future, only to do it again. Sure, I was a controlfreak. But I didn't understand why he would lie to me. If he so wants to do that sh*t he could just break up and do it, I thought. Yet, he insisted and told me that I'm just too sensitive and I should change. It was a vicious circle. I didn't want to change. He didn't want to be honest. Several times I caught him and it always was so painful. I cried like I'd never cried before in my life. The person I should trust the most keeps on lying to me. Also, since he came here, his relationship with his family has been getting closer. He's always been denying it. As it happened I also got jealous of his family, which is ridiculous, I know. I don't know what triggers me. But when I first met him I liked the fact that he was distant from his parents and now that he was getting closer and even dependent (his mother sends him money so he can be here), I lost it. I resented and despised him for being so dependent on his parents, for getting closer to them and also for being dependent on me. I am seeing a lot of blame and resentment. And more jealousy and mistrust over petty things.Maybe this is necause he actually was unrealiable, maybe because you are FA Sometimes I made him cry, because I hurt his feelings, because I treated him like an insect that I wanted to get rid of, because I rarely was caring and affectionate, because I pushed him away. But even if he was crying I did not feel that he was sincere. I also thought "You have hurt me and made me cry like no one else did ever before, you deserve to suffer, too". So I never felt sorry when he was having a hard time because of me and I do not up to this point. I broke it off after I discovered once more that he had lied to me. I feel so hurt and traumatized. Looking back I realize that all the "nice" things he said just sounded fake and like lies to me. Things like "I'm thinking about you 24 hours a day" and "I miss you even when you just go into another room". He would come back from the restroom an tell me he missed me or text me "I miss you" while he was there. When we were separated he would say those things while at the same time taking hours to reply to my text messages. What he was saying and how he was acting did not match, so he always seemed to be fake and lying. Also, all the things he did to pleasure me would eventually turn against him, because he was not true to himself and consequently not to me as well. I think I tried to act against my nature having an image of a typical perfect relationship in my mind. Me acting like a provider caused codependency. I thought he could give me some love, instead I would provide for him, kind of. We did a lot of mistakes.
Thank you for reading so far. Any thoughts? Do you think he's an AP? As a DA, why do I get so jealous and controlling? I may have traits of an FA as well, or may have developed them during the relationship, I guess.
You sound more FA than DA in this relationship. Him being FA could bring that out if you are on the fence. But he could also be AP. He engages in protest behaviour. Jealousy and control stems from the need to keep the partner around, even at the expence of your dignity and your partner's freedom. This stems from self esteem issues as seen in FA and AP. As a DA/Secure, when I see a guy I am dating for a few month talk about other girls, I'd feel stressed and my urge would be to form a narrative of disgust or him just nog being the one. I'd feel more disgusted when I was DA. Nowadays I just sit with the discomfort and simply label it as stress and try to suspend the judgement and narrative, but I'd definitely withdraw and hold back my heart. I feel kind of turned off. Now that I have healed a lot, I might be open to repair if he can stop the behaviour but it would pause the relationship progress and I would not get engaged in that situation Acting against your nature tells me you are lacking respect for yourself and your feelings. You deserve better than this. |
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Post by goldilocks on May 20, 2018 12:26:12 GMT
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Post by squirrelkitty on May 20, 2018 13:05:49 GMT
WTF? I couldn't read all of this.
You demanded that he should change his whole life for you and then you resented him for being 'weak'? And now you're acting like a victim and looking for attention.
How's about you learn to control your own behaviour instead of blaming other people for your own existential anger?
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Post by goldilocks on May 20, 2018 15:26:24 GMT
I would caution you that if you are DA, you will struggle to find much empathy here, many posters are wounded AP, many unable to recognize their contribution to pain. my therapist pointed me to this website as we work on attachment issues together. She says that many of the posters perfectly illustrate the hostility and paranoid aspects of AP thinking and behavior. If you are annoyed with hostile/butthurt/paranoid people, feel free to block them so they can't bother you too much. This forum is not being moderated so they can linger about. |
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Post by squirrelkitty on May 20, 2018 21:50:33 GMT
WTF? I couldn't read all of this. You demanded that he should change his whole life for you and then you resented him for being 'weak'? And now you're acting like a victim and looking for attention. How's about you learn to control your own behaviour instead of blaming other people for your own existential anger? How about you stop being so butthurt? I'm aware that 50 % of it is my fault, because I chose to stay in the relationship and demanded all that stuff. But hey, he could have ended it himself. I was pretty emotional writing that thread, so maybe it came off as if I'm victimizing myself. Maybe I'm still doing it. You're free to tell me in a nicer way. But you yourself really need to work on yourself for getting emotional over some stranger's post. Guess you got some existential anger too and acting it out on people like me on the Internet. I agree that the guy's behaviour is equally as dysfunctional as yours. But it's abundantly clear that you just saw him as a tool (you were scared of living on your own and wanted help with admin). Then you got angry about his uselessness when he didn't find a job immediately. It was your own poor judgement that made you believe he'll be able to find a job just because that would suit you. If you look for a tool, that's what you'll get. You can't complain that he really did turn out to be a doormat, since that was exactly what you were looking for. Next time if you need help with admin, pay a translator or at least offer the locals who volunteer to help you a favour in return. That's just basic manners and you can't use your attachment style as an excuse. |
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