|
|
Post by david21 on May 18, 2018 20:15:21 GMT
Most of the literature, if not all, I’ve read about dismissive avoidants states that they tend to come on very strong during the beginning stages of a relationship. Very loving, attentative, affectionate etc and then one day there’s a switch and their behaviour immediately changes leaving their partner wondering where the person they began dating suddenly went. I’m curious to hear from others if this was their experience as in my case I can’t say it was. Right from the get go my ex demonstrated many of the “distancing strategies” (especially the work one) accustomed to love avoidants (particularly DA’s). So, it was quite a struggle early on and there was certainly no big shift. It just became more and more difficult as time went on.
|
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on May 18, 2018 20:33:27 GMT
I'm more interested over why you'd date someone who was showing those qualities from the beginning..
Thrill of the chase?
To answer your question though, it's human nature to initially feel carefree and then to hit a moment of realising there is actual feelings developing and to panic and run. Many people show those behaviours.
I can't answer for others but my avoidance is pretty consistently obvious and I don't attach easily or desire relationships most of the time. I'm happy just to be by myself and for someone to change my mind usually takes a lot of work from their side.
|
|
|
|
Post by david21 on May 19, 2018 2:26:24 GMT
I'm more interested over why you'd date someone who was showing those qualities from the beginning.. Thrill of the chase? Because as humans, we are attracted to what is familiar to us. That is how my father treated me: aloof, cold, seemingly uncaring/uninterested and non emotional. So for me, that is what is familiar. That is my “blueprint” of love. Therefore, I am naturally attracted to those qualities. Furthermore, we often find partners who mimic the qualities of the parent we had issues with. We do this subconsciously/consciously in an effort to “right the wrongs” of the original relationship with the mindset of “if I can win the approval of this person who is just like my [insert parent/parental figure you had issues with] it will prove I am worthy. It will prove I am enough”. Sadly this never, ever works and only serves to reinforce the original beliefs about oneself. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2018 7:51:07 GMT
No. There was a stage when he was more enthusiastic, more interested, maybe idealizing me a bit- just like everyone when infatuated with a new person but I was always kept at arm's length.
I've never experienced love bombing that some people describe here.
|
|
|
|
Post by aislingt on May 19, 2018 8:18:48 GMT
What mechristie said. Perhaps what you describe is more FA than DA?
|
|
|
|
Post by scheme00 on May 19, 2018 10:49:14 GMT
My DA ex chased me at the beginning. Cooked me dinner. Lots of PDA. As soon as I got the feelz for her she went cold for the rest of the relationship. It was me putting in all the effort. That was my experience. Interesting to hear the other side of the coin.
|
|
|
|
Post by scheme00 on May 19, 2018 16:24:10 GMT
I think I acted like that. In the beginning I was loving and affectionate, but that behavior almost disappeared with time. My ex would tell me things like "Why have you changed so much?", "I don't know were my loving girlfriend is", "Please bring my loving girlfriend back"... Bait and switch! At least you recognize it. Do you lose interest in the person in a few months usually? |
|
|
|
Post by scheme00 on May 19, 2018 16:54:05 GMT
Bait and switch! At least you recognize it. Do you lose interest in the person in a few months usually? Well, I only had one relationship so far. Since it was a long-distance relationship, I think I didn't lose interest that fast. But in general, I get bored with people really fast (like within a few minutes or hours). Most of what they talk about is not interesting to me at all. I'm a fan of random chatting lol It's like I get a high in the beginning when talking to an interesting person, but that quickly vanishes and I can cut it off immediately. Similar to my ex! Do you want to be in a relationship or not at all? I’m glad you are here. We can sound very hateful (ap) towards Avoidants, please don’t take it personal on these boards...we are very sensitive and take things personal and often think everything that went wrong is the Avoidants fault. But I have learned so much from the Avoidants that share here. |
|
|
|
Post by squirrelkitty on May 22, 2018 18:33:52 GMT
Nope, I'm not familiar with this behaviour. My Da ex is a 'player', so he was just like a cool dude/ mate at first (although he was on his best behaviour for me compared to his previous relationships). He did ask me out on the first date, but only after I gave him an Xmas present.
At first he was just like a laid back friend with benefits, but at the same time, he called the shots. There wasn't any lovey-doveyness from his side. Basically he was just being a player and didn't take our relationship seriously. When I told him the dreaded L word, he got extremely dismissive for a while and basically messed up our emotional relationship completely. But I didn't give up just yet and he became really cute for a while. I don't mean that he was nicer to me (although he was), but that he allowed me to cutify him. He is insufferable independent and suffers from his own 'toxic masculinity' even more than his 'victims'.
tl;dr my ex was on an opposite trajectory than what you described
|
|
|
|
Post by squirrelkitty on May 23, 2018 9:23:55 GMT
david21Not sure this is relevant, but I think sometimes a DAs' various controlling strategies can be at cross purposes with their other controlling strategies :/ Two examples: 1. My DA ex: although he acted cool and distant a lot of the time and made it clear from the start that I shouldn't expect anything serious <=> he likes to nail things down quickly (e. g. by getting married) so that his future wife has to be monogamous. He was always a little paranoid of my platonic friends, although there was no need for that, while he was probably two timing me. Since he acted like a player and freaked when I told him the L word, I made sure to explain that I'm not looking to get married anytime soon. One would think that would calm him down, but he actually can't cope with ambiguity about the future (that might be his personality, rather than his attachment style?) We're still friends, after a fashion, and the other day he said something completely unrelated that gave me an opportunity to make a pun. I said he doesn't need to propose to me because we're past that. That really hurt him and I apologised. (This is 15 years later and he's married to someone else.) 2. My gay friend who is DA (and near-sociopathic) : He's got a semi-boyfriend about whom he makes very dismissive comments. He also tells other people that he loves the guy, but he hasn't told him. When the guy visited, they had a cuddle and my friend was glad that the guy didn't say anything romantic because he would have freaked out. (Previously he had a semi-boyfriend who didn't say anything and this drove my friend crazy.  ). Then they travelled together and had sex. But my friend says, the guy isn't good enough for him and they're not in a relationship (they are best friends and have sex.... Not a relationship at all). Now the guy also says they shouldn't rush things and should take it slow ( ) So my friend continued to be a player. When the guy did the same, my friend got jealous and told the guy he can keep having sex with other people but he can't have a relationship with anyone. - - > his player behaviour (DA) and his jealousy/ controlling behaviour (also DA) are at cross purposes.
|
|
).