Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

tnr9
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Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 21, 2018 2:39:35 GMT flic likes this

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Post by tnr9 on May 21, 2018 2:39:35 GMT

Hey boomerang....welcome to the forums. It is very typical AP behavior to want to understand our ex partner so that we can change the outcome....but it seems to me, even knowing about attachment theory..that this guy was very controlling and that he activated your fear often. In a good relationship, both parties work on the relationship and consider their partner as well as themself...I don't exactly hear that in your story...I heard about some changes..but who knew how long they would last. Taking this guy out of the equation..is the relationship you actually had the one you want? Be honest and don't go into making excuses for him....is it what you want as it was? If the answer is "no" then you have to be open to the possibility that your attachment pain is simply due to losing what is a familiar pattern for you and not specifically tied to this guy. I know that is not the answer you wanted..but I would ask that you consider what you want in a relationship before asking what your next step is with this guy.

scheme00
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Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 21, 2018 3:11:27 GMT via mobile tnr9 likes this

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Post by scheme00 on May 21, 2018 3:11:27 GMT

I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be involved in a relationship with someone where you are one slight mistake away from upsetting the person and thinking you may never hear from them again. I know it’s hard when you’re going through it, as I have been in your situation before but let me tell you feel so great after you let go to not be involved with someone who treats you like that.

Last Edit: May 21, 2018 3:12:33 GMT by scheme00

flic
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Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 21, 2018 10:14:52 GMT islandwaver and andy like this

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Post by flic on May 21, 2018 10:14:52 GMT

I agree with the above comments, and would add: thinking that if you'd just known about Attachment styles beforehand, anything would have been different in the long-run, is a dangerous thing to think. You're now aware of why he acts in a certain way, and how it triggers you to act in a certain way, but as therapists (multiple) keep telling me - it wouldn't have been enough to change anything - these wounds run deep.

So then, you have to ask yourself - are you happy with potentially continuing this cycle? Probably no, but probably you may well do anyway, such is the way with attachment wounds. So, all i can say is be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself, and keep exploring your own Attachment wounds and trying to heal them. People kept giving me that advice - I didn't necessarily listen, but I'm getting better at it. Keep reading the forum too, it all helps. xx

tnr9
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Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 21, 2018 16:39:52 GMT andy likes this

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Post by tnr9 on May 21, 2018 16:39:52 GMT

Hey boomerang...it is good that you are seeing the disconnect between what you want (forward progress) and where you are. One of the most beautiful and most sad aspects of AP is our ability to love someone and want that person...even when it is apparent that that person cannot, right now, give us what we need. It is ok that you love him, it is ok that you miss him, it is ok that you wish things had worked out differently...don't deny those feelings...but I would suggest you stop researching about him and really start to learn more about you. The irony is..the more secure we become..the better partner we attract...but we cannot attract a secure partner if we are still hyper focused on "the one that got away". Notice that you want to use your newfound information to be different with your ex so that he might be different with you.....but that begs the question...what is wrong with you as you are? Seriously.....all he has done is reenacted a pattern where you had to earn love by doing the "right" things...it is almost like gambling....if I bet this way...I could win...but love is not supposed to be that way. Begin to really invest in loving yourself the way you say you love this guy...be grace giving, have compassion, be loving towards yourself. Embrace every single aspect of who you are. Say to yourself..I am enough and mean it. It is hard work...but so much more rewarding in the end compared to rolling the dice with a guy who has not shown you the type of love you require...not consistently. There are a lot of great YouTube videos to help with self confidence and self love. You will be ok...even without this guy. 😀

scheme00
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Posts: 163

Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 21, 2018 18:02:25 GMT via mobile

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Post by scheme00 on May 21, 2018 18:02:25 GMT

Wow my post was quoted in bold! Glad to help see the light. Your separation will be hard because of your attachment issue but In the long run the temporary pain will be better than the long term prolonged constant suffering you will endure should you choose to try to settle for this relationship.

boomerang
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Posts: 79

Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 23, 2018 20:05:29 GMT

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Post by boomerang on May 23, 2018 20:05:29 GMT

it is so true about re-enacting a pattern where I had to do the right things to earn love. In my case, I took the path of doing what I wanted to do, and I fought back fiercely. But of course, I never "won" what I wanted. I don't fight with this guy, though. He has never said a mean thing to me and vice versa. I state what I need and want, he listens calmly, hates it, and withdraws, and then I hate it. That's our pattern of interaction.

What I am struggling with today is, what is it going to take for me to let this go? Really, what will it take?

I had a very bad experience with him this week that left me with a totally activated toxic mix of anger, hurt, and extreme anxiety. And at the same time, it was also clear he still is emotionally tied to me, as well--and he doesn't want to be. Which was also horrible.

We are weirdly kind of in the same place, except my way to solve it is to "fix" it and his is to run away. Classic AP/DA (or maybe FA, I'm not sure), I guess. I think we both want to run away, but we can't because, guess what, our paths cross all the time. And not paths I can change at the moment. Full on no contact is not possible. I am quite sure we each wish the other would just disappear. Poof! if I could teleport one or the other of us far, far away, it would be such a relief.

But I can't, so this means i have to really find a way, some way, to emotionally disengage, not just from him the person but especially from him the person in my head. But I can't seem to stop the activation. How do people do it?

I have a counselor, I journal, etc., but I do not seem to reach a point where some sort of self-protective mechanism says, done, enough--and I stop caring and can just disengage (even though I have a DA side, as well--which I am wishing would come to the fore at present).

I just want to turn my AP behavior OFF. How do AP people manage to let go? When you are not yet in that place where you really believe you are more important than the thing you have with this other person, how do you do it?

tnr9--thank you for your beautiful post--lots of thoughtful truths in there. I clearly have work to do in this area.

tnr9
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Posts: 3,782

Overcoming a DA Relationship Setback May 23, 2018 20:58:25 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2018 20:58:25 GMT

May 23, 2018 20:05:29 GMT boomerang said:

it is so true about re-enacting a pattern where I had to do the right things to earn love. In my case, I took the path of doing what I wanted to do, and I fought back fiercely. But of course, I never "won" what I wanted. I don't fight with this guy, though. He has never said a mean thing to me and vice versa. I state what I need and want, he listens calmly, hates it, and withdraws, and then I hate it. That's our pattern of interaction.

What I am struggling with today is, what is it going to take for me to let this go? Really, what will it take?

I had a very bad experience with him this week that left me with a totally activated toxic mix of anger, hurt, and extreme anxiety. And at the same time, it was also clear he still is emotionally tied to me, as well--and he doesn't want to be. Which was also horrible.

We are weirdly kind of in the same place, except my way to solve it is to "fix" it and his is to run away. Classic AP/DA (or maybe FA, I'm not sure), I guess. I think we both want to run away, but we can't because, guess what, our paths cross all the time. And not paths I can change at the moment. Full on no contact is not possible. I am quite sure we each wish the other would just disappear. Poof! if I could teleport one or the other of us far, far away, it would be such a relief.

But I can't, so this means i have to really find a way, some way, to emotionally disengage, not just from him the person but especially from him the person in my head. But I can't seem to stop the activation. How do people do it?

I have a counselor, I journal, etc., but I do not seem to reach a point where some sort of self-protective mechanism says, done, enough--and I stop caring and can just disengage (even though I have a DA side, as well--which I am wishing would come to the fore at present).

I just want to turn my AP behavior OFF. How do AP people manage to let go? When you are not yet in that place where you really believe you are more important than the thing you have with this other person, how do you do it?

tnr9--thank you for your beautiful post--lots of thoughtful truths in there. I clearly have work to do in this area.

I think the first thing that I have had to do is accept that (at times) I will want him back...it is visceral...and if I try to deny it, it simply grows bigger...so I have learned to accept it. In a weird way...accepting it has actually shortened the duration of any time of dwelling/obsessing because it just "is". I think it is the labeling of it as something bad that keeps us in a loop because it becomes an internal struggle between the child part and the parent part. The other thing I am doing is not reacting to the automatic thoughts...the ones that try to protect me by making up stories about him....I just acknowledge them as thoughts and not truths...and they do dissipate over time. As to seeing him and trying to have no reaction...if you figure out how to make that work, let me know...I see B every single Sunday and I get triggered...I think the more you can "limit contact" for now....the better off you are. I thought for a bit that I could have a normal friendship with B, but right now, that is not possible. So I am trying to limit contact and be good towards myself. APs are really good at trying to do what is right for someone else, but often at the expense of ourself.....so there is a balance that I hope to reach...eventually.