Attachment Style: Self Help Suggestions

I'm working on this, Jess. It's turned out to be harder than I thought to keep it a reasonable length and not meander all over the experience

Full disclosure, I did not have a therapist, but that doesn’t mean I think not having one is the right way to go. It happened that I tried a couple who were not a good fit and it was a waste of time. I believe if I had a good one, the whole process would have been a lot faster and more efficient!

I was pretty severely textbook AP when I was younger. It took me six years after stumbling onto a description of AP to move into secure, and that was still after many, many years of overanalyzing why my dating life was so tumultuous and draining, and trying to check and adjust the whole way. Learning about AP was really exciting -- it was like I'd found my user manual! -- but then I had no idea what to do with that information. It just never occurred to me that the logical action was, learn to be more secure (which meant healing). So I never had that goal.

I’d say the most important pieces were these three:
1. increase self-confidence (this was deliberate, and building block key to the rest)
2. figure out where my AP had come from so I could heal from it (accident!)
3. recognize exactly what my AP behaviors and triggers are and figure out better ways to manage them (half deliberate, but wasn't aware of it in those attachment terms).

What's helped secondarily, because I’m a big nerd, is learning more about the other quadrants and really understanding the interactions between different types of partners (whether that's two people with different attachment styles or something else), and researching different perspectives on what makes a good partnership and a healthy self. So, so much reading and watching videos, on everything relationship-related.

For self-confidence: after a break up that devastated me, I went no contact (which, I never do as an AP, so focusing on myself for once was difficult but empowering) and decided I needed to cope with it by challenging myself. Really challenging myself, all the time. I tried a couple sports-related activities at this time that I'd always wanted to try and never did. I said yes to invitations to do things I normally wouldn't because they were far out of my comfort zone. I took charge of my career in ways I never had before, which was a major life change, and I planned a very extensive trip I'd been thinking about taking for years and had zero actual reason not to follow through on. I continued exercising a LOT and was in the best shape of my life 6 months after the breakup. I spent time in beautiful places and with good friends. It took about 4.5 months to regain my confidence once I was really focused on doing so, but I had gone above and beyond and actually built it anew and to be way, way higher than it ever had been.

I hadn’t thought about this in terms of the attachment quadrant (AP is low view of self, high view of others), it was knowing myself well enough to know that I needed to rebuild after the breakup, but in retrospect, that’s why that step was so helpful in the process.

During this time, I also happened to start looking up signs of emotional abuse (more reading!), since I was wondering if there were patterns I should think about in my exes. I'd once briefly dated a guy who love-bombed then gaslighted me, which is a truly viscerally horrible thing. He was malicious and I ran away quickly. Anyway, this led me to PD and abuse, which led to something pretty darn important: I had no idea where my AP came from. But then I read all about multi-generational and extended family impacts of trauma, and that was very enlightening, since I’d never thought about it outside of parents (and mine are nice). Suddenly, I had this understanding of responsibility and feelings I’d taken on that weren’t actually mine, and an understanding of why I knew what a “healthy” relationship looked like yet would also accept insecure romantic ones with meh boundaries as normal. As my confidence improved, I was able to process this in a really useful way.

Finally, I am an extremely reasonable person MOST of the time. But, very rarely, I’m not, which I always found inexplicably strange. Plus, I felt this kind of… let’s say attraction to “coolness with an edge.” After reflecting on a lot of my anxious-avoidant trap disaster relationships, I sorted out that both those things were related to AP triggering. I’d realized a few years ago that the great exhausting consuming “passion” I felt for some of my ex partners was my anxiety being triggered. That’s why it felt overwhelming yet also awful after a while. More recently, I realized that every time I’ve ever felt overbearing, responding disproportionately to something followed by overwhelming anxiety, it’s always been my fear of abandonment being triggered. There’s more to this, of course, but simply put, I can identify when and how my responses are attachment problems now, and am still working out the best ways to de-escalate or manage it if it does happen. Changes in perspective on self and others and healthy boundaries has also naturally improved this.

All of this over a long period of time eventually just completely clicked and I “got” attachment theory. It started to come in waves, partially because my ex and I were trying to work things out eventually and I was doing so much to understand what had gone wrong the first time, and throughout that process I would periodically have these great insights. Since our problems really were so heavily attachment-related, it all tied in. And eventually, it occurred to me to try taking the tests again –I’d moved into secure and I’ve stayed there. When I took the test is when I realized what this whole process had been for me – I hadn’t known it, but all that work was healing and learning what was secure. It’s very freeing. For example, I can state my needs for the first time without feeling ashamed, communicate everything that’s going on in a coherent way, and I have much better boundaries. I’m also not really attracted to “edgy” partners now… I just see it as instability that isn’t cute anymore.

jess92, it's wonderful, what you are doing!
your sincerity and dedication will bring you what you need, when you need it.
🌸

juniper it's a good job I've taken my make-up off... that genuinely just made me well up. Can't express how glad I am to have found this forum, and every one here. Thank you 

Thanks alexandra, as always 


I've been working my way through all of the useful links that anne12 sent, they're all great and it is especially interesting reading through the list of AP behaviours and resulting issues in a relationship. It may seem bizarre, but I almost have to laugh when I read through behaviour lists and recognise things that I know I do, partly because I understand now why I act like that occasionally. It's almost like reading a description of myself, verbatim. I hadn't thought about looking at secure behaviours but that will definitely be helpful.

I actually had a conversation with one of my exes in the last couple of days - he's textbook secure and we remained amicable after we split up. I have discussed my AP style with him and he is absolutely sure that he suggested something along the same lines whilst we were together, and we then discussed some of the 'episodes' I'd had early on in our relationship. I can't recall him speaking to me about possible attachment issues, but I certainly recognise the scenarios that we have since discussed as being hugely AP so hopefully I'm on the right track to becoming more familiar with myself. I've also started writing down a list of things that I can recall throughout my life that I would, when being as objective as I possibly can, class as my AP acting up. 

That's funny that you should mention PMS as I've always felt the same, despite there being no specific correlation if I am having an overly emotional day or suffering 'mood swings', I generally assume it's PMS. Do you tend to recognise now if you're beginning to trigger, and you're able to stop it happening? My worry is that I feel like I can retrospectively look at my reactions and class them as AP behaviours but, as seems to be associated with AP, when I am right in the thick of it, it feels like there's no way out and I'm just spiraling. 

Great suggestion to speak with someone that is more secure. I suppose the 'up side' of being AP is that I'm not too scared or worried to discuss my thoughts with people, and I have got a handful of people that I am very close to and can openly discuss almost anything with so listening to their insight I'm sure will help me until I'm confident enough to trust my own security and judgement.

Glad to hear there was no lasting damage!