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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 17:04:09 GMT
Hi all APs.
I was just wondering, given that one of the attachment tests advises that you test yourself 3 times with various relationships in mind in order to determine your overall style, if anyone here is looking at a bigger picture - rather than the focus purely on romantic relationships?
I am doing so (not solely, but partly), as I do believe that how we relate to others is also linked into all of this.
What I mean is, a romantic relationship is where we bare all / open up / show our real selves ... more-so than with others.
But, surely how you relate to others also reflects your personality / wounds / strengths, etc?
A recent break-up showed me retrospectively just how much I have healed, without me realising it.
My resultant efforts at healing led me back to attachment .
This isn't intended to split types, but I am seeing patterns in posts / responses on this forum site which seem to relate very closely with expressed attachment types. I am mixed (Secure / AP / FA) and grew up with many DAs - so some traumas were shared, some not.
Any thoughts?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2018 3:34:54 GMT
Yes....I have been looking at all my relationships and have noticed that I too exhibit different attachments depending on the attachment of the other person...but Ialso a seeing improvements there as well...I have been less clingy and better able to be a friend.  |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 25, 2018 23:49:54 GMT
Yes, I wish these boards weren't just about primary romantic partners. For me this is very relevant to some friendships and familial relationships as well. And to my parenting identity! And in very different ways. I'm more DA than AP in my marriage, though it has moved more towards the secure realm in the 15 years of our relationship, especially the last few years. I'm more AP in the friendships I care about, probably because I tend to be drawn towards DA people though the ones I've particularly cared about all essentially ended and I mostly engage in a variety of somewhat fulfilling aquaintenceships now. I am not sure how to label my relationship with my parents/sister. I might tend towards DA there too, though I'm working on making those more secure.
And I'm not sure what I am exactly as a parent. I work hard to be a responsive, loving, and present parent who lets my kids be who they are, but I also see various aspects of attachment challenges. I had some PPD when they were babies and toddlers, and that kind of clouds it. I think I probably overcompensate with them.
It's all about learning balance, learning about the many nuances of who we are, observing patterns in ourselves. I think if you only look at your romantic relationships it's like missing the forest for the trees.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 5:59:55 GMT
Yes, I wish these boards weren't just about primary romantic partners. For me this is very relevant to some friendships and familial relationships as well. And to my parenting identity! And in very different ways. I'm more DA than AP in my marriage, though it has moved more towards the secure realm in the 15 years of our relationship, especially the last few years. I'm more AP in the friendships I care about, probably because I tend to be drawn towards DA people though the ones I've particularly cared about all essentially ended and I mostly engage in a variety of somewhat fulfilling aquaintenceships now. I am not sure how to label my relationship with my parents/sister. I might tend towards DA there too, though I'm working on making those more secure. And I'm not sure what I am exactly as a parent. I work hard to be a responsive, loving, and present parent who lets my kids be who they are, but I also see various aspects of attachment challenges. I had some PPD when they were babies and toddlers, and that kind of clouds it. I think I probably overcompensate with them. It's all about learning balance, learning about the many nuances of who we are, observing patterns in ourselves. I think if you only look at your romantic relationships it's like missing the forest for the trees.Precisely, compassionateavoid! Be kind to yourself about the PPD and subsequent effects though - remember, it's about being 'good enough', not perfect x |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 29, 2018 8:04:25 GMT
If I take an attachment test while thinking about any of my current non-romantic relationships I test quite secure. I might not have tested secure with some of those relationships even a couple years ago though. Since my romantic relationships are the ones that still tend to be less secure, those are the ones that I need to work on most. Maybe this is the case for some others?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2018 10:42:47 GMT
If I take an attachment test while thinking about any of my current non-romantic relationships I test quite secure. I might not have tested secure with some of those relationships even a couple years ago though. Since my romantic relationships are the ones that still tend to be less secure, those are the ones that I need to work on most. Maybe this is the case for some others? Typically our romantic relationship most mirror our relationship with our parents..so yes...this is where our insecurities are most likely to be triggered. We tend not to have the same expectations with friends that we do with partners so that definately plays a role....but it is good that you have made progress with becoming more secure with your friends. |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 30, 2018 6:21:27 GMT
If I take an attachment test while thinking about any of my current non-romantic relationships I test quite secure. I might not have tested secure with some of those relationships even a couple years ago though. Since my romantic relationships are the ones that still tend to be less secure, those are the ones that I need to work on most. Maybe this is the case for some others? Typically our romantic relationship most mirror our relationship with our parents..so yes...this is where our insecurities are most likely to be triggered. We tend not to have the same expectations with friends that we do with partners so that definately plays a role....but it is good that you have made progress with becoming more secure with your friends. That makes sense. Also, I hate to say it but it may also be partly because all my friends I've known for a long time. I'm not sure what it would be like with a new friend as I don't have any. I seem to be good at keeping friends around, it's romantic partners that keep leaving and reinforcing my belief that I will be left. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 30, 2018 12:02:35 GMT
Typically our romantic relationship most mirror our relationship with our parents..so yes...this is where our insecurities are most likely to be triggered. We tend not to have the same expectations with friends that we do with partners so that definately plays a role....but it is good that you have made progress with becoming more secure with your friends. That makes sense. Also, I hate to say it but it may also be partly because all my friends I've known for a long time. I'm not sure what it would be like with a new friend as I don't have any. I seem to be good at keeping friends around, it's romantic partners that keep leaving and reinforcing my belief that I will be left. Usually our requirement/expectations for friendships is very different from what we require/expect in a partner. We don't tend to look for an immediate connection with our friends, we tend not to expect our friends to fill the emotional/physical needs that we do with our partner...so what I would suggest you do is write down the characteristics of your long term friends on one side of a piece of paper...and on the other side..write down the characteristics of your prior partners...I suspect you will find that your friends actually display the characteristics that you need in a partner, while your partners characteristics actually mirror more the wounding from your past and simply reinforce the story that you will be abandoned. Also, just because your brain goes into auto pilot to pick a partner...you can use the list of your friends characteristics to weed out who is actually a good fit for you. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 12:21:32 GMT
That makes sense. Also, I hate to say it but it may also be partly because all my friends I've known for a long time. I'm not sure what it would be like with a new friend as I don't have any. I seem to be good at keeping friends around, it's romantic partners that keep leaving and reinforcing my belief that I will be left. Usually our requirement/expectations for friendships is very different from what we require/expect in a partner. We don't tend to look for an immediate connection with our friends, we tend not to expect our friends to fill the emotional/physical needs that we do with our partner...so what I would suggest you do is write down the characteristics of your long term friends on one side of a piece of paper...and on the other side..write down the characteristics of your prior partners...I suspect you will find that your friends actually display the characteristics that you need in a partner, while your partners characteristics actually mirror more the wounding from your past and simply reinforce the story that you will be abandoned. Also, just because your brain goes into auto pilot to pick a partner...you can use the list of your friends characteristics to weed out who is actually a good fit for you. i think this is excellent advice tnr9! my criteria for romantic relationship or any friendship that i cultivate is in line with the following, in terms of what i seek to provide to a friend (or my partner) and what i seek to have reciprocated: www.google.com/amp/s/truththeory.com/2013/12/31/the-four-types-of-friends-according-to-the-buddha/amp/there is a simple list of qualities of a good friend here, which covers the most precious aspects of an intimate relationship, in my perspective: www.bbncommunity.com/buddha-said-true-friend-7-qualities/ |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 30, 2018 18:31:11 GMT
That makes sense. Also, I hate to say it but it may also be partly because all my friends I've known for a long time. I'm not sure what it would be like with a new friend as I don't have any. I seem to be good at keeping friends around, it's romantic partners that keep leaving and reinforcing my belief that I will be left. Usually our requirement/expectations for friendships is very different from what we require/expect in a partner. We don't tend to look for an immediate connection with our friends, we tend not to expect our friends to fill the emotional/physical needs that we do with our partner...so what I would suggest you do is write down the characteristics of your long term friends on one side of a piece of paper...and on the other side..write down the characteristics of your prior partners...I suspect you will find that your friends actually display the characteristics that you need in a partner, while your partners characteristics actually mirror more the wounding from your past and simply reinforce the story that you will be abandoned. Also, just because your brain goes into auto pilot to pick a partner...you can use the list of your friends characteristics to weed out who is actually a good fit for you. This is insightful. I thought about this a lot and my friends are actually very similar to my romantic partners, including their attachment types. Some of my good friends are former romantic partners. Most of my friends have avoidant attachment styles (I asked them all), even if our friendship may be quite secure, and most people I've dated seem to have avoidant styles as well. My friends and past partners have similar personality traits and interests and qualities I am/was drawn to about them. When I told my best friends about the latest person I was dating (and then the way he broke up with me) most of them said, "he sounds so much like me." Do you think the key for me might be to look at how the relationships and our communication/interactions with each other differ and perhaps the reasons we have stayed close friends? It's hard, because I do need more from a partner than a friend (you don't usually expect a friend to make a commitment to you or to spend as much time with you, for example), and also I think sexual attraction requires a little mystery, whereas my friends and I are not mysterious to each other. Usually our requirement/expectations for friendships is very different from what we require/expect in a partner. We don't tend to look for an immediate connection with our friends, we tend not to expect our friends to fill the emotional/physical needs that we do with our partner...so what I would suggest you do is write down the characteristics of your long term friends on one side of a piece of paper...and on the other side..write down the characteristics of your prior partners...I suspect you will find that your friends actually display the characteristics that you need in a partner, while your partners characteristics actually mirror more the wounding from your past and simply reinforce the story that you will be abandoned. Also, just because your brain goes into auto pilot to pick a partner...you can use the list of your friends characteristics to weed out who is actually a good fit for you. i think this is excellent advice tnr9 ! my criteria for romantic relationship or any friendship that i cultivate is in line with the following, in terms of what i seek to provide to a friend (or my partner) and what i seek to have reciprocated: www.google.com/amp/s/truththeory.com/2013/12/31/the-four-types-of-friends-according-to-the-buddha/amp/there is a simple list of qualities of a good friend here, which covers the most precious aspects of an intimate relationship, in my perspective: www.bbncommunity.com/buddha-said-true-friend-7-qualities/I like these, thanks. |
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