|
|
Post by BreakingTheSpell on Sept 6, 2018 11:16:16 GMT
My boyfriend and I have been friends for one year before we started dating. We dated for 10 months. We were smitten, making plans, the sweetest couple ever.
Doing for the other what you would have to pay to another person to do. Talking about moving in together, jobs, kids. We bought a ticket to go meet his parents.
10 days ago he tells me that he has been offered deployment in Australia.
In my case, I cannot do distance. A couple of weeks is fine, but 18 months with possibility to extension is a no. So I told him that if he takes the offer, the relationship is over because I wont put myself in that situation ever again (did it 3 times in my life already with devastating results ). So he says that a relationship with me is worth 10 times more than any job offer, and plans to tell his boss that he will refuse the offer.
Yesterday he tells me that he has been thinking about it more thoroughly and that he has decided to take the deployment. He didn't ask me to go with him. I told him I cannot stand long distance and our relationship will fail. Then he starts talking about how much he will be saving because he is getting accommodation, plane tickets, a car and at the end of his deployment we can go on a one month roadtrip through Australia!!!
Did he really hear what I said? We are no longer having a relationship, I wont be his pleasent company until he steps on the plane. He has chosen to leave and leave me behind. I want to preserve my dignity. I am not going to beg for "marry me so I can enter on your visa too" or "I will wait as much as you need to find yourself, if you come back in 5 years I will still be here for you, and I will avoid meeting other guys"
He is the sweetest person in the world and has set the bar so high now.... but I did not like that he didnt choose me. Am I a narcissistic bitch? If anything goes wrong and he does not get to fly, I will be the consolation prize and I dont like the place where he has put me. SO I am staying firm in my decision of the break up.
Attachment profiles: I am an aware FA in treatment, he is secure with mild tendencies to DA. I am emotionally unstable and he is super stable, we compliment each other well in that regard. He is aware of my attachment issues and helps me with them, he does a good job.
Opinions are welcome...
I dont want to wait. I am 35. Biological clock ticking.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 6, 2018 11:30:01 GMT
First, I think it is incredibly brave that you recognized that you do not want to be in a LDR with him since the other LDRs you have been in have not worked out well. I think he is trying to figure out a way how he can still have the relationship with you and have the job in Australia. I would not take it as he was not paying attention to you, I would see it as his struggle between his purpose and his relationship. If it were me..and again, I have no history with this guy...I would thank him for trying to figure out how to make it work..but then, I would restate that I was not interested in an LDR and leave it at that....but then again...I am AP so I am sure some of the earned secures will post here soon.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 6, 2018 12:08:27 GMT
Did you react right away (instinctively - in a fight, flight, freeze state) when he told you?
The sudden shift in his decision, can put you into a chock state of mind (you were not prepared):
So he says that a relationship with me is worth 10 times more than any job offer, and plans to tell his boss that he will refuse the offer.
Yesterday he tells me that he has been thinking about it more thoroughly and that he has decided to take the deployment.
Making dicisions (breaking up a relationsship) from an activated state of mind (fight, flight, freeze) is not recommended.
You can try to use the water tank exercise when ever you get a chock. It gives you some time to get out of the instinctive reptile state of mind/regulating the nerveussystem. Then you can move from reactive to proactive.
Have you asked him, why he came to the decision, without any furter discussion with you?
"He didnt ask me to go with him" - if he have asked you, would you then go with him ? Does he know?
Did he think, that your statement about breaking up, dident leave room for any further discussion?
Have you talked about when you both wanted kids, a timeframe?
Did he know about your LDR dealbreaker?
Have the two of you made a "couple bubble" that you can refer to?
Have you asked him "what are your thoughts about us and our future together"?
Men can deceive (betray/dissapoint) women in many ways. By failing with decisions that are selfish and which do not take into account both him and his girlfriend/wife (and children), the whole unit.
Reactive vs. proactive: (Stephen Covey to be proactive in "7 Good Habits"):
(Impact => Reaction (where you may think things are just happening to you - your felings and reactions happens automatically)
When you take control, that is, that you are proactive, you make a conscious choice between the influence and the reaction. It looks like this:
Impact => choice => (re) action!)
The process BE PROACTIVE is simplified said:
You become aware of the situation - what happens?
What do you (or do not), think and experience (feelings and or sensations in the body) YOU?
What effect do your thoughts / actions have?
What could you do / think differently, which was better for you?
Decide to do it in the new way - to make a conscious choice
|
|
|
|
Post by BreakingTheSpell on Sept 6, 2018 14:51:13 GMT
Did you react right away (instinctively) when he told you? I told him right away I couldnt do LDR, but the break up happened this morning, so one day in between.The sudden shift in his decision, can put you into a chock state of mind (you were not prepared): So he says that a relationship with me is worth 10 times more than any job offer, and plans to tell his boss that he will refuse the offer. Yesterday he tells me that he has been thinking about it more thoroughly and that he has decided to take the deployment.Have you asked him, why he came to the decision, without any furter discussion with you? No I didnt. I know his reasons but I dont know why he didnt talk to me about it before deciding."He didnt ask me to go with him" - if he have asked you, would you then go with him ? Does he know? I cannot go unless on a spouse visa and that means getting married, so it doesnt surprise me that he didnt ask me.Did he think, that your statement about breaking up, dident leave room for any further discussion? That is true. He already knew, from 10 ago, that I cannot do LDR and there would be an end to the relationship if he left.Have you talked about when you both wanted kids, a timeframe? Yes, we were planning to move in together and get our first baby next year. Hence this cancels all of our plans.Did he know about your LDR dealbreaker? yes definitely.Have the two of you made a "couple bubble" that you can refer to? Yes, we are learning how to build it.Have you asked him "what are your thoughts about us and our future together"? Yes, he seemed very committed to me. We want the same things and we started making plans to get them.Men can deceive (betray/dissapoint) women in many ways. By failing with decisions that are selfish and which do not take into account both him and his girlfriend/wife (and children), the whole unit. I am realizing it happens more often than it seems. |
|
|
|
Post by BreakingTheSpell on Sept 6, 2018 15:34:10 GMT
Thank you Anne.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 15:37:38 GMT
I don't know if this is a boundaries issue or just that life is taking you in opposing directions. Perhaps he thought at first he was more committed to the relationship than he really was. Not knowing what his choices are or if he has a job if he remains where he is, it's hard to say.
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Sept 6, 2018 22:01:55 GMT
"(Sometimes guys needs to be told things very clearly more than once)"
As a guy...I can second this!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Sept 7, 2018 0:12:49 GMT
You aren't being too strict if it's really what you want. Just be sure you're not deciding this out of fear because of your previous experience (you're older and wiser, it's a different relationship than the other ones. Maybe LDR could work now). Is there a secure friend who could help you see things more clearly if you aren't sure whether you're making a fear based reaction?
But if you are sure, it is okay to not want to do LDR.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2018 1:29:51 GMT
I think you should tell him you're feeling abandoned by him making a decision largely without you that contradicts what you said you both wanted and were working towards. That you don't feel comfortable in an LDR (assuming that's still true) but got triggered by his sudden announcement and didn't have the emotional resources available to discuss what other options he may be open to so you can both make an informed decision.
That may be difficult for you because it opens up vulnerability, but it's how I'm reading your posts? You don't sound closed off to other possibilities, such as moving there, but you seem hurt he didn't just ask you first because you're afraid he decided to leave you because he really wants to.
And maybe he did, which would be terrible, and I can understand why you'd have a lot of doubts about broaching this with him honestly if he could do that. However, if that's the case, the worst that happens at this point is things stay the same (you're broken up) but you don't have to wonder if he was actually the guy for you. You'll know for sure if you've made the right decision.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. it would hit me really, really hard as well.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2018 1:32:23 GMT
(It's also possible that he didn't ask you because it's unfair to make someone move far away and start a new life for a while who never showed any interest in wanting to do that.)
|
|
|
|
Post by BreakingTheSpell on Sept 7, 2018 12:23:15 GMT
I don't know if this is a boundaries issue or just that life is taking you in opposing directions. Perhaps he thought at first he was more committed to the relationship than he really was. Not knowing what his choices are or if he has a job if he remains where he is, it's hard to say. Yes the panorama is not always as simple as it looks. We are in a European country, he is European and I am not. He has a steady job at the moment, and even if he lost it, he can look for another one and get plenty of unemployment benefits in the meantime. The deployment was offered to several in his office, and he volunteered first. He is the favorite to get it because he is the cheapest since he has no family moving on the deployment with him. I am on a residence permit that is tied to my working contract. If I quit, I need to leave the country. I wont be allowed to enter Australia without a job or a spouse visa. Even if I eventually succeed to reside in Australia while he is there, when he comes back to Europe I will have the same issue. No visa without a job. I would have to go back to my home country, get a job offer from there, have my work visa issued and only then enter the EU again. I did it once and it took me 3 years to get a job offer. So, no, I am not going to Australia, and I am not moving from where I am. He knows all of this, and it is perhaps one of the reasons he didnt even ask me to go with him. The spouse visa would make all much simple, entering Australia and returning to Europe, but he didnt propose that either. |
|
|
|
Post by BreakingTheSpell on Sept 7, 2018 12:30:22 GMT
You aren't being too strict if it's really what you want. Just be sure you're not deciding this out of fear because of your previous experience (you're older and wiser, it's a different relationship than the other ones. Maybe LDR could work now). Is there a secure friend who could help you see things more clearly if you aren't sure whether you're making a fear based reaction? But if you are sure, it is okay to not want to do LDR. Because I am older and wiser, and I know myself better, is that I know the reason why the LDR doesnt work for me. I used to think that the trust was not enough, or that I needed sex, or that somebody was more prone to cheat but those are not the reasons LDR didnt work for me. The true reason is that I cannot regulate my nervous system on my own. I am a two-person-system person. I dont do well when I am alone or single (unless it is a short period of time) and after a bad day I need to arrive home to my safe heaven. I get immediately calmed when I look into his eyes. Yes I am dependent on his presence and I am not ashamed to acknowledge. This is a feature of mine, doesn't mean everybody is comfortable being like this. But this feature of mine was clearly explained even before we started dating. And everything I heard in the past 10 months was "I am not going anywhere". So I firmly believed that he was going nowhere. Until he decided to go somewhere. I will be talking to my secure friend tonight. Thanks leavethelighton |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 14:41:45 GMT
I don't know if this is a boundaries issue or just that life is taking you in opposing directions. Perhaps he thought at first he was more committed to the relationship than he really was. Not knowing what his choices are or if he has a job if he remains where he is, it's hard to say. Yes the panorama is not always as simple as it looks. We are in a European country, he is European and I am not. He has a steady job at the moment, and even if he lost it, he can look for another one and get plenty of unemployment benefits in the meantime. The deployment was offered to several in his office, and he volunteered first. He is the favorite to get it because he is the cheapest since he has no family moving on the deployment with him. I am on a residence permit that is tied to my working contract. If I quit, I need to leave the country. I wont be allowed to enter Australia without a job or a spouse visa. Even if I eventually succeed to reside in Australia while he is there, when he comes back to Europe I will have the same issue. No visa without a job. I would have to go back to my home country, get a job offer from there, have my work visa issued and only then enter the EU again. I did it once and it took me 3 years to get a job offer. So, no, I am not going to Australia, and I am not moving from where I am. He knows all of this, and it is perhaps one of the reasons he didnt even ask me to go with him. The spouse visa would make all much simple, entering Australia and returning to Europe, but he didnt propose that either. I am sorry. It sounds like he's making the choice and it was an abrupt change from what he initially said. It also sounds like he's not giving you much of an explanation as to why he changed his mind. |
|
