Recognizing when I don't honor myself

tnr9, in my thread, juniper asked my why was I protecting my ex?  What is the "payoff"?  I think she is completely right.  There is a "payoff" to the action and figuring out what that is and why we need it is enlightening.  I knew what my script was (through therapy) but I am still not able to apply the knowledge and be released from it.  I think it's a life journey.

This is such an important awareness and intention to honour your own needs, tnr9!

For me it helps to recognize that all of my feelings are valid AND also that not all of my feelings are directly resulting from the person or situation but may be coming up as a result of deeply hurtful past experiences. i.e. the feelings can result from triggers, but they are no less real and no less important for me to tend to lovingly for that reason.

It can be a balancing act to figure out which feelings to bring to another person and ask them to adjust their behaviour for and which feelings to work on in yourself before bringing them up. But ideally, our important people would be receptive to hearing all of our feelings along with our reflections about where they may be coming from... so there is a difference between sharing our feelings and blaming our feelings on someone else. We play some role and have some responsibility for our own feelings. And at the same time, it's unrealistic to believe that our feelings are/should be impervious to others' behaviour. It's human to feel hurt when others mistreat us and we should be seeking out people who accept some responsibility for caring for our feelings, while we not losing sight of our own responsibility for our feelings.

I think it is key with anxious attachment to accept yourself as you are for now and seek out a partner who is willing to do some things to support you with your feelings as you work to transform them. It is not unreasonable to look for a partner who is willing to provide a little extra reassurance, consistency and closeness. Everybody's needs are different in relationships and it is totally valid if you need a little more of those things than some others. You can honour your needs and feelings by resisting shame about them, and the antidote to shame can be speaking them aloud. If you've done your own reflection, work and self-nurturance around your needs and feelings first, it is more likely you can voice those in a strong and measured way that will not overwhelm a secure (or somewhat secure) partner or friend.

I realize that the context you're talking about is different as it's a breakup, so you are needing to step up for yourself to care for your own needs and feelings in an extra strong way right now, while hopefully also getting some support from friends and community (definitely from your friends here on the boards). I agree with juniper that this is a time to look out for number one and remind yourself that you ARE number one to yourself: treasure yourself and respect yourself in the state you're in and with your feelings as they are, and remind yourself that you have your own back and can trust yourself to take care of yourself and not make harsh judgements about yourself. That is excellent practice for a future relationship where you can share yourself with another person with that much love and respect for yourself, which will definitely shine through and create a healthy foundation for communication.

I think there's no right or wrong way to process a breakup so try to interrupt any harsh judgements about how you 'should' be relating with B (e.g you 'should' be willing and able to share space with him in this community) and remind yourself that interrupting such judgements about yourself is part of your process of building unconditional self-love.

Keep up the greatly deserved self-honouring!

Tnr9 I think it can help to start with the small ways of honoring yourself. The examples would be different for every person, but an example might be you really want to be sitting outside at sunset instead of doing dishes but you feel like you should do the dishes, instead go outside and enjoy that sunset. Or you want to take a day off work but you feel guilty doing it-- schedule that day off work. Or even something little like you want another piece of cake at a party and there's only a few left, or even two left, or even one-- assuming everyone else has had cake, someone has to have the last piece! I mean these metaphorically, or literally. Make it your ambition to listen to yourself all throughout the day, to start hearing and validating that inner voice.

Then those little symbolic gestures can translate to the larger and more significant needs or desires of your inner voice when it comes to larger things like your relationships, lifestyle and career.

I think this may be a lifelong struggle for everyone, and perhaps even moreso for women than men. And it's not just our socialized sense of obligation to others, sometimes I think we're also sometimes avoiding that which might put us into places of greater emotional risk.

Also I don't mean to always have a you-first attitude-- it's important to care about and tend to others sometimes too, but not at the expense of ourselves in a harmful way or in the small ways that build up until we're living a life of deprivation.

On the church thing (if I remember correctly, is it a church group that B also attends?) give it awhile (a month or a few months???) until you have some clarity, because you have multiple competing desires here-- the desire to maintain your church community and also to work on getting over B-- but you don't have to stick with your original decision. At some point you could either return even though B is there and focus on the rest of the community, or tell him you realized you want or need that community and ask if he's willing to step away from it for awhile, or something of the sort-- you can find your way back to it eventually if it's what you want. You don't have to feel obligated to never go back on a previous decision.