Post by standintheheart on Oct 27, 2018 7:35:47 GMT
Hi everybody. I'm BRAND new to this theory of attachment - as in I've only begun learning about it today. The reason I found it is looking for answers as to why my behavior with a love interest has been totally overruled by anxiety. I recognize it as a pattern. I believe her to be a DA type and, in this case, I definitely resonate with the AP type.
This past summer, I felt magnetically attracted to a coworker at a seasonal job. I know that my immediate want with someone I'm attracted to is to gain intimacy. I wanted to share everything about myself with her, in the hopes that she'd be enchanted by the "deeper" me, and I wanted her to do the same. To me, that's always felt like a hallmark of a mutual interest and attraction. I decided to confess my feelings, expecting her to not be interested. She said on the contrary that she did think she was attracted to me too, and that her pattern with anyone she likes is to avoid them. Hence, I had thought she had zero feelings for me. Because I saw none of the signs I was used to in someone who was interested in me. Liked me as a person, sure, but that's it. We could not begin to act on these things though, because she was in a long-term, long-distance relationship.
The entire summer, even pre-confession, I felt so anxious around her. I couldn't get a good read on her. I knew I was very attracted and desperately wanted to get to know her, but I saw how she kept everybody at a distance using jokes and redirecting any questions so as to never talk about herself. She said she hated talking about herself and her feelings. I had (and have) this abiding feeling that if only she'd let me in more, I'd feel less anxious and could be the more vibrant, charming, fun loving version of myself. In other words, more at peace.
I'm a songwriter, so in one of my songs I described the feeling as "standing with my heart in my hand, but it's getting heavy. I want to give it to you, could you take it already?"
It was hard to gain distance and perspective since I was away from home and would see her every day for work. I was losing sleep. 100% preoccupied, but not wanting to bring that energy to her for fear of scaring her off. One day I decided enough was enough, and told her I needed distance, I needed her to not talk to me because I craved being closer to her than was possible. 2 days later, she approached me and we hung out one-on-one so I felt temporarily better. She was giving me her attention, one-on-one, which I craved like a drug.
Now, 2 months after, we're in different cities. She's broken up with her boyfriend. I obsess over her. I fantasize constantly about 'what if she were here with me now, that would be good right?' I keep trying to find scenarios in which "we work." But there's that forever missing piece that I know I need. More intimacy. I ALWAYS want to talk feelings with her, in the hopes that I can get a handle on where she's at. But she doesn't like to talk feelings. The most feeling she's expressed to me is sadness and confusion and heartbreak over her recent breakup. Knowing that I was part of the reason she decided to break up, knowing that she'd said she was attracted to me, knowing that she seemed to want to talk to me still sometimes, makes my brain do all kinds of guesswork as to what I mean to her, and where I fit into the equation. It feels insane. It feels ANXIOUS and NEEDY and eventually I told her, once again, I had to not talk to her.
Her response was like, 'ok. yeah. that makes sense.' Dismissive. Not uncaring, but lacking what I want to hear, which is something from her heart about me. I always come to her with 'here are the deep and truthful and honest and raw feelings I have.' almost pleading for her to give me the same. I know it is not sustainable to constantly be doing that, so I had to withdraw. Though I YEARN for her. It's logically crazy. We're in different cities, she's just broken up with her 1st big-time boyfriend, I don't even LIKE her all of the time. I just WANT her, and feel stuck because she doesn't allow me to get any closer to her, at least by my definition.
I don't know what I'm asking here. But I know I want to find peace. I texted her, saying I'd love to talk, thinking I'd try again to get answers... but then took it back when I realized I'm nowhere near "over" her, knowing I'd wear her out and feel worn out by trying to get her to talk about her feelings toward me. I worry that I will let her go entirely, let her fade away, and get into this same mess with someone else, feeling anxious all over again. Part of me always scrambles for some hope in this scenario, so the current hope is that viewing this through an Attachment lens can help me know what actions to take to find peace in this. And then MAYBE I can reach out to her with what I've learned.
It's not quite like we're exes, but to me, it feels like it, because of all the time I've spent in my head with her as my focus. So, how can I gain peace in this situation? How, if/when I do reestablish contact, do I maintain that peace?
This past summer, I felt magnetically attracted to a coworker at a seasonal job. I know that my immediate want with someone I'm attracted to is to gain intimacy. I wanted to share everything about myself with her, in the hopes that she'd be enchanted by the "deeper" me, and I wanted her to do the same. To me, that's always felt like a hallmark of a mutual interest and attraction. I decided to confess my feelings, expecting her to not be interested. She said on the contrary that she did think she was attracted to me too, and that her pattern with anyone she likes is to avoid them. Hence, I had thought she had zero feelings for me. Because I saw none of the signs I was used to in someone who was interested in me. Liked me as a person, sure, but that's it. We could not begin to act on these things though, because she was in a long-term, long-distance relationship.
The entire summer, even pre-confession, I felt so anxious around her. I couldn't get a good read on her. I knew I was very attracted and desperately wanted to get to know her, but I saw how she kept everybody at a distance using jokes and redirecting any questions so as to never talk about herself. She said she hated talking about herself and her feelings. I had (and have) this abiding feeling that if only she'd let me in more, I'd feel less anxious and could be the more vibrant, charming, fun loving version of myself. In other words, more at peace.
I'm a songwriter, so in one of my songs I described the feeling as "standing with my heart in my hand, but it's getting heavy. I want to give it to you, could you take it already?"
It was hard to gain distance and perspective since I was away from home and would see her every day for work. I was losing sleep. 100% preoccupied, but not wanting to bring that energy to her for fear of scaring her off. One day I decided enough was enough, and told her I needed distance, I needed her to not talk to me because I craved being closer to her than was possible. 2 days later, she approached me and we hung out one-on-one so I felt temporarily better. She was giving me her attention, one-on-one, which I craved like a drug.
Now, 2 months after, we're in different cities. She's broken up with her boyfriend. I obsess over her. I fantasize constantly about 'what if she were here with me now, that would be good right?' I keep trying to find scenarios in which "we work." But there's that forever missing piece that I know I need. More intimacy. I ALWAYS want to talk feelings with her, in the hopes that I can get a handle on where she's at. But she doesn't like to talk feelings. The most feeling she's expressed to me is sadness and confusion and heartbreak over her recent breakup. Knowing that I was part of the reason she decided to break up, knowing that she'd said she was attracted to me, knowing that she seemed to want to talk to me still sometimes, makes my brain do all kinds of guesswork as to what I mean to her, and where I fit into the equation. It feels insane. It feels ANXIOUS and NEEDY and eventually I told her, once again, I had to not talk to her.
Her response was like, 'ok. yeah. that makes sense.' Dismissive. Not uncaring, but lacking what I want to hear, which is something from her heart about me. I always come to her with 'here are the deep and truthful and honest and raw feelings I have.' almost pleading for her to give me the same. I know it is not sustainable to constantly be doing that, so I had to withdraw. Though I YEARN for her. It's logically crazy. We're in different cities, she's just broken up with her 1st big-time boyfriend, I don't even LIKE her all of the time. I just WANT her, and feel stuck because she doesn't allow me to get any closer to her, at least by my definition.
I don't know what I'm asking here. But I know I want to find peace. I texted her, saying I'd love to talk, thinking I'd try again to get answers... but then took it back when I realized I'm nowhere near "over" her, knowing I'd wear her out and feel worn out by trying to get her to talk about her feelings toward me. I worry that I will let her go entirely, let her fade away, and get into this same mess with someone else, feeling anxious all over again. Part of me always scrambles for some hope in this scenario, so the current hope is that viewing this through an Attachment lens can help me know what actions to take to find peace in this. And then MAYBE I can reach out to her with what I've learned.
It's not quite like we're exes, but to me, it feels like it, because of all the time I've spent in my head with her as my focus. So, how can I gain peace in this situation? How, if/when I do reestablish contact, do I maintain that peace?
