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Post by blueunif on Oct 31, 2018 0:26:59 GMT
In my work to move off old habits with my DA, I've been thinking about stating my boundaries as part of looking after myself.
I haven't done this yet bc I'm still trying to figure it out, (true AP style!)
Because to me, stating a boundary looks like my old AP complaining of "your'e not doing this for me".....the very thing that will backfire when said to a DA.
For example, I would need to spell out "When I'm upset and you don't comfort me, it hurts me deeply." I think this is a boundary. [I'm not sure how to leave the 'you' out because isn't it about the things THEY do, the way they are treating you, that you are making a boundary about???]
But for him, he's gonna hear the anxious complaint of the needy voice that he's not good enough. He's going to hear the 'you' accusation. And he's going to think "here she goes, it's all about her again".
I haven't had the guts to go very far with this yet. At the moment he's in reptilian brain mode (could be for weeks, months!) so I'm scared that if I start this it will make him retreat even further.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 0:53:21 GMT
It sounds like walking on egg shells - there isn't anything wrong with saying "when you do X, I feel Y. I would love it if we could do more of Z"
That sounds healthy to me. It's not just your responsibility to make the healthy communication you offer palatable to your partner, that is their responsibility to meet you halfway by having the intention to receive it in a healthy way too.
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 31, 2018 1:04:43 GMT
In my work to move off old habits with my DA, I've been thinking about stating my boundaries as part of looking after myself.
I haven't done this yet bc I'm still trying to figure it out, (true AP style!)
Because to me, stating a boundary looks like my old AP complaining of "your'e not doing this for me".....the very thing that will backfire when said to a DA.
For example, I would need to spell out "When I'm upset and you don't comfort me, it hurts me deeply." I think this is a boundary. [I'm not sure how to leave the 'you' out because isn't it about the things THEY do, the way they are treating you, that you are making a boundary about???]
But for him, he's gonna hear the anxious complaint of the needy voice that he's not good enough. He's going to hear the 'you' accusation. And he's going to think "here she goes, it's all about her again".
I haven't had the guts to go very far with this yet. At the moment he's in reptilian brain mode (could be for weeks, months!) so I'm scared that if I start this it will make him retreat even further.
Good reflections blueunif! Great intention to state your boundaries and also own your emotional reactions and avoid accusations as much as possible. I have a few ideas about tweaking "When I'm upset and you don't comfort me, it hurts me deeply." Could you replace "you don't comfort me" with a more objective and neutral description of the behaviour that you find hurtful? He might not know how to comfort you or realize that his response is uncomforting to you. Examples: "When I'm upset and you don't text me back within (period of time)" or "When I'm upset and you make plans to talk it out with me several days later instead of the same day" or "When I'm upset and you stand at the other side of the room/sit on the other side of the couch" or whatever. Or maybe you could just request things you want from him - back rub, visit, phone call, listening quietly, etc? Also the word "hurt" is a little tricky as it implies an action on the other person's part (hurting you) that may not line up with his intention or understanding of the situation. Alternative emotion words that do not carry that same subtle hint of accusation might include sad, scared, lonely, worried, frustrated, helpless, discouraged, etc. I didn't make all of this stuff up... mostly these are ideas from Non-Violent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg - interesting stuff).  |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 1:05:37 GMT
It sounds like walking on egg shells - there isn't anything wrong with saying "when you do X, I feel Y. I would love it if we could do more of Z" That sounds healthy to me. It's not just your responsibility to make the healthy communication you offer palatable to your partner, that is their responsibility to meet you halfway by having the intention to receive it in a healthy way too. I never used to walk on eggshells but I can say after a traumatic break up with an ex who doesn’t want to talk about emotions or feelings, I quickly learned to walk on eggshells or push him away further. I was highly activated and acted out in AP ways- so I feel like I need to compensate now for all that craziness. Now I feel suppressed. It’s hard. Maybe I should think less! I’m tired of analyzing. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 31, 2018 1:10:47 GMT
Also I agree with bloom that there is no need to nitpick heartfelt words spoken with the intention to build a bridge and solve a problem rather than to win at someone else's expense. Super subtle word choice things shouldn't matter much in a relationship characterized by trust and respect. I wouldn't want my previous post to become fodder for harsh/unbalanced AP self-criticism... or the fantasy that by saying some subtly different thing you can control what the other person does... Still, NVC - I find it's helpful stuff! |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 1:11:08 GMT
In my work to move off old habits with my DA, I've been thinking about stating my boundaries as part of looking after myself.
I haven't done this yet bc I'm still trying to figure it out, (true AP style!)
Because to me, stating a boundary looks like my old AP complaining of "your'e not doing this for me".....the very thing that will backfire when said to a DA.
For example, I would need to spell out "When I'm upset and you don't comfort me, it hurts me deeply." I think this is a boundary. [I'm not sure how to leave the 'you' out because isn't it about the things THEY do, the way they are treating you, that you are making a boundary about???]
But for him, he's gonna hear the anxious complaint of the needy voice that he's not good enough. He's going to hear the 'you' accusation. And he's going to think "here she goes, it's all about her again".
I haven't had the guts to go very far with this yet. At the moment he's in reptilian brain mode (could be for weeks, months!) so I'm scared that if I start this it will make him retreat even further.
I totally get how u feel...my ex DA and I see each and I’d like to bring up deeper topics but I know it’ll shut him down and probably make him feel physically sick. So, instead I usually keep things light but it’s superficial to me- safe to him. I’m thinking when is it a good time to bring up any topics or should I just let things be....let it ride. Exercise my self-control and have fun? That so goes against my grain. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 1:12:33 GMT
In my work to move off old habits with my DA, I've been thinking about stating my boundaries as part of looking after myself.
I haven't done this yet bc I'm still trying to figure it out, (true AP style!)
Because to me, stating a boundary looks like my old AP complaining of "your'e not doing this for me".....the very thing that will backfire when said to a DA.
For example, I would need to spell out "When I'm upset and you don't comfort me, it hurts me deeply." I think this is a boundary. [I'm not sure how to leave the 'you' out because isn't it about the things THEY do, the way they are treating you, that you are making a boundary about???]
But for him, he's gonna hear the anxious complaint of the needy voice that he's not good enough. He's going to hear the 'you' accusation. And he's going to think "here she goes, it's all about her again".
I haven't had the guts to go very far with this yet. At the moment he's in reptilian brain mode (could be for weeks, months!) so I'm scared that if I start this it will make him retreat even further.
Good reflections blueunif! Great intention to state your boundaries and also own your emotional reactions and avoid accusations as much as possible. I have a few ideas about tweaking "When I'm upset and you don't comfort me, it hurts me deeply." Could you replace "you don't comfort me" with a more objective and neutral description of the behaviour that you find hurtful? He might not know how to comfort you or realize that his response is uncomforting to you. Examples: "When I'm upset and you don't text me back within (period of time)" or "When I'm upset and you make plans to talk it out with me several days later instead of the same day" or "When I'm upset and you stand at the other side of the room/sit on the other side of the couch" or whatever. Or maybe you could just request things you want from him - back rub, visit, phone call, listening quietly, etc? Also the word "hurt" is a little tricky as it implies an action on the other person's part (hurting you) that may not line up with his intention or understanding of the situation. Alternative emotion words that do not carry that same subtle hint of accusation might include sad, scared, lonely, worried, frustrated, helpless, discouraged, etc. I didn't make all of this stuff up... mostly these are ideas from Non-Violent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg - interesting stuff). I love the specific feedback here to a partner. |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 31, 2018 1:49:53 GMT
It sounds like walking on egg shells - there isn't anything wrong with saying "when you do X, I feel Y. I would love it if we could do more of Z" That sounds healthy to me. It's not just your responsibility to make the healthy communication you offer palatable to your partner, that is their responsibility to meet you halfway by having the intention to receive it in a healthy way too. I never used to walk on eggshells but I can say after a traumatic break up with an ex who doesn’t want to talk about emotions or feelings, I quickly learned to walk on eggshells or push him away further. I was highly activated and acted out in AP ways- so I feel like I need to compensate now for all that craziness. Now I feel suppressed. It’s hard. Maybe I should think less! I’m tired of analyzing. Yeah tell me about it - the analysing is killing me, I'm exhausted!! |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 31, 2018 1:51:20 GMT
Also I agree with bloom that there is no need to nitpick heartfelt words spoken with the intention to build a bridge and solve a problem rather than to win at someone else's expense. Super subtle word choice things shouldn't matter much in a relationship characterized by trust and respect. I wouldn't want my previous post to become fodder for harsh/unbalanced AP self-criticism... or the fantasy that by saying some subtly different thing you can control what the other person does... Still, NVC - I find it's helpful stuff! Thanks. All very helpful. I have looked at NVC in the past. Some of it a bit cringey though and also partner would just shudder at the 'fakeness' of it. :/ |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 31, 2018 3:35:27 GMT
Dont walk on eggshells, say it and own it, he dips, then so be it. Youre just asking for your needs and this need is not some unhealthy thing. I agree with Bloom.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 4:56:54 GMT
"It helps me so much when i reach out for comfort and you help me. I appreciate you. I want to grow and that actually helps me. so thank you. if i can help you too i'd like to know how."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 5:10:30 GMT
in a little fuzzy from narcotics still but i have found it is possible to create a warmth and kindness around this kind of communication.
if you look closely you may see a time when he got it right and he needs to know about that, because it does feel good to know when we make someone feel good.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 31, 2018 10:30:26 GMT
From what I have read...it is always best to start with what you want in a positive way. Men want to make their partners happy and if you word it in such a way as to show him that he has provided that to you in the past, he is more likely to provide that to you in the future.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 14:34:16 GMT
Dont walk on eggshells, say it an own it, he dips, then so be it. Youre just asking for your needs and this need is not some unhealthy thing. I agree with Bloom. I agree with this. Own it, but also it should be a conversation about what you each need and want. You will have to be open to what he says his needs and boundaries are as well. |
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Post by blueunif on Nov 1, 2018 8:26:38 GMT
From what I have read...it is always best to start with what you want in a positive way. Men want to make their partners happy and if you word it in such a way as to show him that he has provided that to you in the past, he is more likely to provide that to you in the future. So true, thank you <3 |
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